On Grief
I've been trying to keep really busy for the past three weeks since Jason and I broke up. It's been easy because school was so hard (rather depressing really, I've never worked so hard in my life- and while I still managed to pass, I definitely could have done better) - but I feel... unfocused and without guidance.
I study but I don't focus, and though I spend hours and hours in the library at a time - I feel like a lot of that time goes wasted. At night I watch the movie Gigi (the one with Leslie Carson and Maurice Chevalier - not Gigli with Bennifer) over and over again. It's a strange time of my life I must confess.
Things I started in the last three weeks:
1. Decided to do more research and have approached people about it
2. Will be working as a volunteer in a free women's health clinic this summer
3. Started working as a high class tutor again - though seeing some of the poverty at the hospital, I feel ashamed for my ridiculously overpriced desires (ie: a pair of Christian Louboutins, or something pretty from Agent Provacateur). I suddenly want to give all my belongings away.
4. Started to go clubbing with the other students
Overall, it's been an interesting and slightly overwhelming three weeks. My sense of calm and numbness has dissolved away into a feeling of constant and dull aching in my chest. I miss Jason a lot, the way someone misses a lost kidney - but it's also perpetually accompanied (luckily) by my common sense which tells me that nothing has changed at all and nothing will change at all if I return to him now.
I feel opinionated and alone, though I'm constantly surrounded by kindly friends from med school... (they were even kind enough to throw me a birthday party at a club in the meat packing district - which was really - like the best party ever and I had a great time) - but after all that is over, it brings into sharp contrast the inherent loss of meaning in one's life when love is gone. I give advice on buying dildos and hiding hickies, on long lasting love triangles and neccesary break ups - but I wonder how I can dare to talk of anythign of the sort when I can't even see what I should have for my own life.
Love brings a different kind of meaning to a life that I don't think the best career can ever do - a kind of softness that dulls pain at the edges and brings into sharp resolution the happiness in sharing life with others. It's just a pity that I don't care to look for anything like this right now.
So I grieve now. I just wish I could spend the time sobbing with Gigi instead of continuously reading pages and pages and endless pages.
I study but I don't focus, and though I spend hours and hours in the library at a time - I feel like a lot of that time goes wasted. At night I watch the movie Gigi (the one with Leslie Carson and Maurice Chevalier - not Gigli with Bennifer) over and over again. It's a strange time of my life I must confess.
Things I started in the last three weeks:
1. Decided to do more research and have approached people about it
2. Will be working as a volunteer in a free women's health clinic this summer
3. Started working as a high class tutor again - though seeing some of the poverty at the hospital, I feel ashamed for my ridiculously overpriced desires (ie: a pair of Christian Louboutins, or something pretty from Agent Provacateur). I suddenly want to give all my belongings away.
4. Started to go clubbing with the other students
Overall, it's been an interesting and slightly overwhelming three weeks. My sense of calm and numbness has dissolved away into a feeling of constant and dull aching in my chest. I miss Jason a lot, the way someone misses a lost kidney - but it's also perpetually accompanied (luckily) by my common sense which tells me that nothing has changed at all and nothing will change at all if I return to him now.
I feel opinionated and alone, though I'm constantly surrounded by kindly friends from med school... (they were even kind enough to throw me a birthday party at a club in the meat packing district - which was really - like the best party ever and I had a great time) - but after all that is over, it brings into sharp contrast the inherent loss of meaning in one's life when love is gone. I give advice on buying dildos and hiding hickies, on long lasting love triangles and neccesary break ups - but I wonder how I can dare to talk of anythign of the sort when I can't even see what I should have for my own life.
Love brings a different kind of meaning to a life that I don't think the best career can ever do - a kind of softness that dulls pain at the edges and brings into sharp resolution the happiness in sharing life with others. It's just a pity that I don't care to look for anything like this right now.
So I grieve now. I just wish I could spend the time sobbing with Gigi instead of continuously reading pages and pages and endless pages.