An Incredibly Accurate Prediction of the Future
I have predicted the future of telephone customer services. This is set perhaps twenty, thirty years in the future.
From it, you will probably glean what kind of a morning I had.
Operator: Good morning! This call will be recorded for training purposes, and for us to pass to bored relatives for a laugh, and for the government to monitor in case you say anything that could be construed as possibly relating to a subject that might be close to a mild security inconvenience. You are caller 4,581,697,235,460 since the counter was reset. Thank you for holding.
Me: Hi, yes, I've been on hold for about four months now...out of interest, when were the counters reset?
Operator: On Tuesday.
Me: Wow. That's quite a backlog.
Operator: Mmhmm. So how can I help you today?
Me: I'd like to apply for a bursary, please-
Operator: Certainly, if you go to our website at www-
Me: Hold it, don't you dare put the phone down yet. I've been to the website. I've scoured that website. I've picked apart the coding of that website, and nowhere does it refer to a bursary.
Operator: Oh. Are you sure...? Well perhaps it's undergoing some technical difficulties, if you wait-
Me: Or, you could just send me the forms or whatever so I can just apply.
Operator: Of course. I'll email-
Me: No. You won't.
Operator: But I thought you wanted-
Me: Oh I do, but you won't. Because you didn't the last two times. I want it posted by overnight recorded delivery, with an armed guard of seventeen space-ninjas, to ensure its arrival.
Operator: I see, well I'll have to put you through to our Mail department for that-
Me: Nice try, but I already spoke to them, and they put me back to you.
Operator: Oh...ah...um, I'll put you through to finance then-
Me: Get yor hand off that transfer button!! I've already spoken to Finance, Accounting, Funding, Internal banking, External banking, Fees, Loans, Payments, and "The Money Department". All of them claimed ignorance of this bursary. What I want. Is for you. To send me this damn form so I can send it back and you can pretend to lose it.
Operator: I'm afraid we're out of forms right now, and, sadly, there's a fault with our printers, if you call back tomorrow-
Me: So why don't you nip upstairs and use the Finance Depatment's printer?
Operator: Can't possibly. Regulations. I could put you through to my manager and he'll explain-
Me: Stop trying to get rid of me!!
Operator: If that's all, I'll put you through to the Billing Department.
Me: Billing?
Operator: To discuss payment for the space-ninja couriers.
Me: Alright, that's it. I'm coming in to the office to get that form. Please note, I will be armed.
Operator: I'm afraid we don't have a local office.
Me: I know. I'm going to hang up now and book a flight to New Delhi. This will cost about half the bursary, but I don't care. I won't surrender-
Operator: Actually although our Headquarters are in New Delhi, this department is situated in the Himalayas. Where even the Buddhist monks are afraid to build a monastery.
Me: I won't surrender!!!
Operator: Thankyou for calling, would you mind filling out a customer satisfaction survey?
Me: Wh...what?!
Operator: Thank you for your cooperation, please hold!
*Dial tone*
Automated Voice: Your call is in a queue...please hold until one of our expert survey personnel has finished looking at porn and can be bothered to pick up the phone...