a rambling of sorts that may have little actual meaning
The New Perspective that I have made as my goal for the new year, the one embodied by a stretching silver coastline, keeps slipping. Due to various events that occur from day to day, I'm finding that it is difficult to remain focused on my new, refreshed outlook. One day I feel infinite and invulnerable because of something that happened, the next I feel like I'm back in the same rut I've been in for the last ... I don't even know how long. Since the end of summer is probably accurate, and serves to make a point of the time frame I'm talking about. Oh yes, major shifts have occurred during this period of being in a trench of muddled, confusing misery and doubt about both my life and myself as a person, but in the end it can all be gathered together into a psychological era that I am trying to overturn the effects of. However, the New Perspective encompasses much more than this, and is meant to cover all Eras of my life so far, I think, of which I estimate there are 6 that are relevant. I hope for the New Perspective to open the 7th.
What I've been trying to do when my focus on the New Perspective falters is remind myself of my new-found interest in finding myself, which is in fact what is at the core of the perspective. I feel like over the years so far I've constantly been pulled this way or that in terms of ideas, attitudes, likes, dislikes, philosophies, people, and so on (whether by my own will to emulate those I admire or by others gradually forcing their wills upon me). It is difficult to explain exactly, so I will have to leave it at that in regards to what exactly these "ideas, attitudes, philosophies, etc" are. I'm trying to cut out my own little nook of existence, I suppose, that is well-defined and actually makes me happy. I'm tired of facades, for I hold my tongue far too much in life in an effort to not displease people around me.
So what I've been trying to do is look at the bigger picture when things aren't going so great, decide that I just need to fuck whatever is not working for me and instead seek out those things that genuinely do work for me. If the dish soap my parents swear by is leaving my dishes unclean, I'm going to go try a different brand that I know nothing about until I find one that cooperates with my dishes, since there is no amount of frustration on my part that will make the dish soap function to my needs. If people are being assholes about something, whatever, fuck it, I'll go focus on people who are not assholes, since really there is no point in being drawn down into a brooding trench of being quietly pissed-as-fuck off about assholes. Why bother with that shit? Instead, I'll go call a friend and have a nice little chat and then eat some dinner and play some video games with a smile on my face. I'm trying to concentrate on the things and the people in my life that are real and actual and not continuously mull over all the unhappy things that stew in my head that don't do any good anyway, so why even waste the energy.
For example, I have become 100% fed up with the person on the other side of my bedroom wall who is always playing their thumping techno music way too loud. Last semester I tolerated it, not wanting to be mean or cause some kind of issue or confrontation, but was constantly pissed about it. This semester I've started banging on the wall. I don't fucking care, it's way. too. loud. That's just rude, and I'm not tolerating it anymore.
The problem is that sometimes I'm never really sure who really is in my life, or what my life is really composed of. Thus, the intense new desire to discover my real self. It's almost like when you transition from being a kid into adolescence and eventually the beginnings of adulthood and suddenly you become aware of certain things, and so you completely revamp yourself. Where I am now is a transition into true adulthood, I guess, where I finally leave behind the things that were never really part of me and gather to myself the things that define how I want to live my life (and not be worrying necessarily about what others think, or whether my interest in [whatever] is cool enough or accepted by my peers). This is where it gets hard to keep a firm grip on the New Perspective, since it's hard to grab hold to something that is not yet firmly tangible, understandable, or cohesive.
What I've been trying to do when my focus on the New Perspective falters is remind myself of my new-found interest in finding myself, which is in fact what is at the core of the perspective. I feel like over the years so far I've constantly been pulled this way or that in terms of ideas, attitudes, likes, dislikes, philosophies, people, and so on (whether by my own will to emulate those I admire or by others gradually forcing their wills upon me). It is difficult to explain exactly, so I will have to leave it at that in regards to what exactly these "ideas, attitudes, philosophies, etc" are. I'm trying to cut out my own little nook of existence, I suppose, that is well-defined and actually makes me happy. I'm tired of facades, for I hold my tongue far too much in life in an effort to not displease people around me.
So what I've been trying to do is look at the bigger picture when things aren't going so great, decide that I just need to fuck whatever is not working for me and instead seek out those things that genuinely do work for me. If the dish soap my parents swear by is leaving my dishes unclean, I'm going to go try a different brand that I know nothing about until I find one that cooperates with my dishes, since there is no amount of frustration on my part that will make the dish soap function to my needs. If people are being assholes about something, whatever, fuck it, I'll go focus on people who are not assholes, since really there is no point in being drawn down into a brooding trench of being quietly pissed-as-fuck off about assholes. Why bother with that shit? Instead, I'll go call a friend and have a nice little chat and then eat some dinner and play some video games with a smile on my face. I'm trying to concentrate on the things and the people in my life that are real and actual and not continuously mull over all the unhappy things that stew in my head that don't do any good anyway, so why even waste the energy.
For example, I have become 100% fed up with the person on the other side of my bedroom wall who is always playing their thumping techno music way too loud. Last semester I tolerated it, not wanting to be mean or cause some kind of issue or confrontation, but was constantly pissed about it. This semester I've started banging on the wall. I don't fucking care, it's way. too. loud. That's just rude, and I'm not tolerating it anymore.
The problem is that sometimes I'm never really sure who really is in my life, or what my life is really composed of. Thus, the intense new desire to discover my real self. It's almost like when you transition from being a kid into adolescence and eventually the beginnings of adulthood and suddenly you become aware of certain things, and so you completely revamp yourself. Where I am now is a transition into true adulthood, I guess, where I finally leave behind the things that were never really part of me and gather to myself the things that define how I want to live my life (and not be worrying necessarily about what others think, or whether my interest in [whatever] is cool enough or accepted by my peers). This is where it gets hard to keep a firm grip on the New Perspective, since it's hard to grab hold to something that is not yet firmly tangible, understandable, or cohesive.