Social Interaction and the Art of Faking It
As anyone who knows me will attest, I'm really not very good with people.
I'm not a recluse. I like people, and I have a handful of close friends whom I'm very lucky to know. I'm just not terribly good at being social.
My main problems are things I'm told are common in Aspergians - I have an odd sense of humor and almost no filter, and I tend to miss social cues. It can make things a bit difficult.
What I have learned is how to fake it with reasonable success. Being social doesn't come naturally to me, but I'm learning. Still have trouble with some of the finer points, but I'm learning nonetheless.
There are a number of things that really helped me to begin to figure this whole thing out. At this point I will begin to sound like a rather odd self-help book, but I really don't care.
1. Everyone else is faking it, too.
This is more a motivational thing than a strategy, but it's no less important. It is the simple revelation that nobody really knows what they're doing when it comes to other people, because while there are certainly guidelines, there are no set rules. It's easier for some than others and it generally improves with practice, but at the end of the day everyone's making it up as they go along. It sounds obvious, but it's part of where I got the courage to try the rest.
2. Confidence
One of the more interesting guidelines for human interaction is that people are strongly attracted to confidence - and that I do have. Actually, what I have borders on and sometimes crosses into arrogance, but I'm working on that bit. Regardless, if I act like I know what I'm doing, people assume that I do. If I can make the attempt to talk and laugh at myself when I inevitably make a mistake, then I can get pretty far.
2b. People, in general, are fairly nice. Confidence is not just engaging when talked to, but having the courage to initiate. People generally respond well if engaged with a grin and an interesting topic. Still working on this bit.
3. Smiling
This one also sounds obvious, but it's more helpful than you might realize. People respond well to amiability - if you grin, they grin back, and everything starts out on a pleasant footing. I'm a fairly happy person and I learned years ago to give a genuine smile on command because it was useful for taking pictures, so this isn't too hard.
4. Questions
People like to talk about themselves. I do know this - get me started on myself, and I can keep talking long after anyone's interested. I did say I was bad at this. One of the tricks to being social is remembering that everyone else enjoys talking about themselves as well. It is therefore helpful to make "small talk" - to ask questions and seem interested in the minutia of other people's lives. Even if I don't much care, I have to seem as if I do and to try to remember the data gleaned in this manner. I'm still working on that second bit. I started trying to ask more questions because I finally realized that I talked too much (a realization which took far too long to come, but again I'm not that good at this). I kept trying because I realized that other people are capable of being interesting (Sometimes. But even if they aren't, it behooves me to act as if they are.). Of course, I'm not always terribly good at thinking of questions to ask, but making the attempt seems to count for a fair bit.
5. Social Filter
There are things that should not be talked about in mixed company. Most of these I learn by rote, because not only do I miss social cues I'm open-minded and somewhat difficult to embarrass, but these are apparently important to know. This is not just the obvious, like sex, but casual comments about God and the nonexistence thereof. Those are a bit not good.
5b. People are often offended by swearing, even if I'm not. Use alternatives - frak, for example. Avoids offense, and adds to the geek-girl image. Or kuso, which at least isn't rude in English. Or 'Gods,' which is a good alternative even given lack of belief. The plural, to me, makes it less specific to a particular religious allegiance.
6. Paying Attention
I'm terrible at this one, which given its importance is quite unfortunate. Paying attention to other people - and judging when they're interested in what you're saying - is really, really important in conversation. It's also important to take note of what they're saying, because I am expected to respond appropriately. Proper attention is important in general - this all has to do with those social cues that so often fly directly over my head.
7. Politeness
Sometimes confusing - the level required varies based on situation, and Mom always tells me to be more polite than whoever I'm talking to seems to require. Do I really need to call everyone older than me ma'am or sir? I have no objections to the titles as terms of respect, but I do not extend respect merely based on age. Conclusion: Mom is Southern and sometimes over-formal. But she isn't wrong about being polite to people being important. People are less likely to be forgiving of foibles if I'm rude, and though I can fake being sociable, normal is quite beyond me.
8. Make an Effort
Try to interact with people. Do not retreat to the book. I may be happy to put it down and talk, but people who see me reading don't know that. And apparently it's rude.
9. Communicate
People cannot read my mind, and I should not assume that they can. If I have a concern - or an idea, or a passing interest - it helps to mention it.
10. Compassion
Caring about people's problems - and showing this emotion appropriately - is important to friendship. I have no problems with the caring part, but beyond "that sucks," I often have no idea what to do to commiserate. Listening seems to be helpful in and of itself, though, and that I can do.
11. Don't Be Afraid to Fake It - Everyone Else Is!
All of these are merely guidelines, gleaned from parental advice, experience, and good fiction (taken with several grains of salt to account for imperfect realism), but I think they're useful. And I do have friends, who are excellent if not terribly numerous, so I must be doing something right.
I'm not a recluse. I like people, and I have a handful of close friends whom I'm very lucky to know. I'm just not terribly good at being social.
My main problems are things I'm told are common in Aspergians - I have an odd sense of humor and almost no filter, and I tend to miss social cues. It can make things a bit difficult.
What I have learned is how to fake it with reasonable success. Being social doesn't come naturally to me, but I'm learning. Still have trouble with some of the finer points, but I'm learning nonetheless.
There are a number of things that really helped me to begin to figure this whole thing out. At this point I will begin to sound like a rather odd self-help book, but I really don't care.
1. Everyone else is faking it, too.
This is more a motivational thing than a strategy, but it's no less important. It is the simple revelation that nobody really knows what they're doing when it comes to other people, because while there are certainly guidelines, there are no set rules. It's easier for some than others and it generally improves with practice, but at the end of the day everyone's making it up as they go along. It sounds obvious, but it's part of where I got the courage to try the rest.
2. Confidence
One of the more interesting guidelines for human interaction is that people are strongly attracted to confidence - and that I do have. Actually, what I have borders on and sometimes crosses into arrogance, but I'm working on that bit. Regardless, if I act like I know what I'm doing, people assume that I do. If I can make the attempt to talk and laugh at myself when I inevitably make a mistake, then I can get pretty far.
2b. People, in general, are fairly nice. Confidence is not just engaging when talked to, but having the courage to initiate. People generally respond well if engaged with a grin and an interesting topic. Still working on this bit.
3. Smiling
This one also sounds obvious, but it's more helpful than you might realize. People respond well to amiability - if you grin, they grin back, and everything starts out on a pleasant footing. I'm a fairly happy person and I learned years ago to give a genuine smile on command because it was useful for taking pictures, so this isn't too hard.
4. Questions
People like to talk about themselves. I do know this - get me started on myself, and I can keep talking long after anyone's interested. I did say I was bad at this. One of the tricks to being social is remembering that everyone else enjoys talking about themselves as well. It is therefore helpful to make "small talk" - to ask questions and seem interested in the minutia of other people's lives. Even if I don't much care, I have to seem as if I do and to try to remember the data gleaned in this manner. I'm still working on that second bit. I started trying to ask more questions because I finally realized that I talked too much (a realization which took far too long to come, but again I'm not that good at this). I kept trying because I realized that other people are capable of being interesting (Sometimes. But even if they aren't, it behooves me to act as if they are.). Of course, I'm not always terribly good at thinking of questions to ask, but making the attempt seems to count for a fair bit.
5. Social Filter
There are things that should not be talked about in mixed company. Most of these I learn by rote, because not only do I miss social cues I'm open-minded and somewhat difficult to embarrass, but these are apparently important to know. This is not just the obvious, like sex, but casual comments about God and the nonexistence thereof. Those are a bit not good.
5b. People are often offended by swearing, even if I'm not. Use alternatives - frak, for example. Avoids offense, and adds to the geek-girl image. Or kuso, which at least isn't rude in English. Or 'Gods,' which is a good alternative even given lack of belief. The plural, to me, makes it less specific to a particular religious allegiance.
6. Paying Attention
I'm terrible at this one, which given its importance is quite unfortunate. Paying attention to other people - and judging when they're interested in what you're saying - is really, really important in conversation. It's also important to take note of what they're saying, because I am expected to respond appropriately. Proper attention is important in general - this all has to do with those social cues that so often fly directly over my head.
7. Politeness
Sometimes confusing - the level required varies based on situation, and Mom always tells me to be more polite than whoever I'm talking to seems to require. Do I really need to call everyone older than me ma'am or sir? I have no objections to the titles as terms of respect, but I do not extend respect merely based on age. Conclusion: Mom is Southern and sometimes over-formal. But she isn't wrong about being polite to people being important. People are less likely to be forgiving of foibles if I'm rude, and though I can fake being sociable, normal is quite beyond me.
8. Make an Effort
Try to interact with people. Do not retreat to the book. I may be happy to put it down and talk, but people who see me reading don't know that. And apparently it's rude.
9. Communicate
People cannot read my mind, and I should not assume that they can. If I have a concern - or an idea, or a passing interest - it helps to mention it.
10. Compassion
Caring about people's problems - and showing this emotion appropriately - is important to friendship. I have no problems with the caring part, but beyond "that sucks," I often have no idea what to do to commiserate. Listening seems to be helpful in and of itself, though, and that I can do.
11. Don't Be Afraid to Fake It - Everyone Else Is!
All of these are merely guidelines, gleaned from parental advice, experience, and good fiction (taken with several grains of salt to account for imperfect realism), but I think they're useful. And I do have friends, who are excellent if not terribly numerous, so I must be doing something right.