Vision of my current state.
I hadn't sleep for weeks.Not physically,emotionaly.Cause this process should give energy and make illusions fade away.But when i close my eyes in the middle of the night,i can't see dreams,i can't rest,i can't even feel morning refreshing.And the only dream i had for this month was a nightmare,which action happened right into my brains.It is rather complicated...I was talking to my central nerves system about future and real time,about consequences of modern behavior.I know it sound ridiculous,but since then,i tryed to analize all positive and negative things in my life,i am not in a mood of talking about my deeds,meanwhile i want to share my emotion from this analizing.
Do you bilieve in fate?No seriously.Sometimes i think that there is no choices.Nothing but a straight line.Then illusion comes afterwards,when you ask "why me?And what if?"When you look back,see the brances,like a prunedbonsai tree or forked lightning.If you had done something differently,it wouldn't be you,it would be someone else looking back,asking a different set of question.Cause if it is all like this,then i should be the biggest bastard of modern days.Who the hell programs destiny?in a deep,no in a Marin hollow of my mind i cannot get my eyes from watching the fire,car accidents and global catastrophies,rapes and shit like this.Masking like an quiet young man in a simple life,i know that sometimes i look innormal to myself.You may think that i don't have close friends to share all this,but for some reasons i don't want to,but i want to know if it ok for human to think like this.To suggest life as straight line,and to bury worsiest vices so deep,that they are invisible even for me.
From all that my head spinning like on a freaking rollercoaster at rainy day.And no one should help me to figured out with it,but it is really hard to keep standing with this weigth on my neck.Loost of a close relative in a childhood,too serious relation to mistakes(with no serious consiquences) made me almost indifferent to mental wounds,but for others their applications dissaperars in a days,mine can remind about themselves for years,making borng day more ugly...interesting.I need someone just to read...And if you make it to this point,please let me know in a comment for this post.I just want to know if the same feelings came to you...
I want to take cigarettes from my bag,but i don't smoke for years,for a reason.Modeling of ships is left behind journalist apportunities(not best idea in my life).Photocamera is lost in a big shielf right in a left from my bed.Need to breathe...Go for a walk?Fine but all friends are far far far away from me.Would you mind to go with me for a walk?;)Coffee can't fix this too,but i want to sleep,to know if i am still alive,and not living in a fucking matix,or crap like this.Nah,i think i should take my motorcycle and to ride away in a night.Hope it wouldn't be my last ride:).
p.s.Don't think that i write in English unreasonable.
With best regardsAlexD(my pseudonym as a photographer)