Fic: - Aftermath of Valentine's Day - Glee.
TITLE: Let's hear your speech
AUTHORS: the_girl_20 and voodoochild_101
FANDOM: Glee / #Glitter
PAIRING: Terri/Emma, mentions of Terri/Will
SUMMARY: The day after Valentine's Day
RATING: PG-13
WORD COUNT: ~4,000
DISCLAIMER: Don't own 'em. They're Ryan Murphy's.
SPOILERS: None
AUTHORS' NOTES 1: Based on the Twitter based Role Play known as Glitter (the_glitter). Check out the twitter accounts of Terri and Emma.
AUTHORS' NOTES 2: This fic follows Valentine's Day - Terri and Valentine's Day - Emma. It most likely will not make sense unless you have read both of those.
AUTHORS' NOTES 3: Emma and Terri's 'End of Hiatus' fics will take off from the end of this fic.
Emma turns over in her sleep and throws out an arm to snuggle into Terri. She starts to stir when she discovers that the other side of the bed is empty and cold. She opens her eyes, noting that itís not yet fully light. She gets out of bed, puts on a robe and heads into the living room where she finds Terri standing, looking out of the window, cradling a cup of coffee. She approaches her and hugs her from behind.
"Morning."
Terri jumps slightly at the unexpected contact. She turns in Emma's arms and gives her a small smile. Emma leans in for a good-morning kiss but Terri avoids her lips and kisses her on the cheek instead.
"Sorry, coffee breath. You want tea?" she asks, moving out of Emma's embrace and heading into the kitchen.
Emma blinks, puzzled.
"Uh...sure...thanks."
'Coffee breath' hasn't stopped Terri before. Not even morning breath has. Still, she shrugs it off and follows her into the kitchen, leaning against the entry way.
"Sleep well?" she asks, conversationally.
Terri busies herself making tea and doesn't look at Emma as she replies.
"Uh...yeah...fine. Just woke up a little early, you know?"
"That's funny," Emma says as she walks into the kitchen. She comes to a stop beside Terri, her back resting on the counter, arms crossed loosely at her stomach. "Because you kept me up all night with your tossing and turning..." She turns her body towards Terri's and rests a hand at the small of her back. "So I know you didn't sleep well..."
Terri's hands still and her body tenses for a second. She glances at Emma and then back down at the teapot.
"I'm sorry, I...I didn't mean to keep you awake...I was just...restless, I guess."
She pecks Emma on the cheek again by way of an apology before turning away and pouring the tea.
"I wasn't scolding you, Terri."
She rubs Terri's back. A few beats pass. She takes a deep breath.
"Is it... Is it because it was your first Valentine's Day with someone new? It's okay if that's the reason... It's normal..."
Terri turns sharply.
"What? No! No, it's...it wasn't anything to do with that. I loved spending the day with you yesterday."
She leans in and presses her lips firmly, but chastely, against Emma's. She pulls back and looks into her eyes.
"I loved every minute we spent together yesterday, OK?"
Emma smiles, reassured. She reaches out to cup Terri's face. "Me too..." She moves in for a kiss.
Terri turns away, gently removing Emma's hand from her face. She looks down at the counter.
"Your tea will get cold."
At that, Emma drops her hand back to her side and stares at Terri, taking her in. Emma's beyond confused right now and she doesn't like the fact that Terri is being reserved around her.
"That's never stopped us before..."
She's unsure of what else to say. So she goes all in.
"What's wrong?"
Terri rubs her eyes.
"Nothing's wrong. I'm just...tired. Like you said, I didn't get much sleep."
Terri folds her arms across her chest, looking at Emma for a long moment. Then she walks out of the kitchen. Emma follows her, leaving the untouched cup of tea on the counter.
ìTerri... if I've done something wrong, can you just tell me? I don't like this game...."
Emma stops in between the kitchen and the living room, keeping a certain amount of space between herself and Terri. The question has possibly come from out of the blue, but in her mind, it's completely valid. Sheís so new to this ërelationshipí stuff that she feels sheís always playing catch-up. But somethingís definitely off about Terriís behaviour.
"You haven't let me touch you since yesterday morning. Every time I try, you avoid it. You avoid me. Am I doing something wrong?"
Emma has never felt so small and vulnerable before.
"What?î
Terri appears in the doorway, aghast. She walks up to Emma, taking her face in her hands and looking into her eyes.
ìGod, Emma, no...don't ever think that."
She leans in, kissing Emma deeply, desperately. The kiss draws to an end but Terri keeps her forehead pressed against Emma's, as they both catch their breath.
"You haven't done anything wrong...you...you're perfect. God, I love you so much...î Terri says, her voice faltering, her words punctuated by gasping sobs. ìI'm so...I love you...you have to...know...that."
"...I... I do. And I love you, too. You have to know that..." she returns, worry evident in her voice.
Emma starts to panic and a million things go through her head at once. The main one is concern for the woman apparently breaking down in front of her. She wonders if reaching out to wipe away Terri's tears is going to result in Terri trying to push her away. She risks it.
Terri leans into the contact, her own hand coming up to cover Emma's. She turns her face and kisses Emma's palm. She opens her eyes to see Emma looking at her with such concern that something inside her breaks. She pulls Emma forward and wraps her arms around her waist, squeezing her tightly and burying her face into Emma's neck. She whispers the same words over and over again.
"I'm so sorry."
Emma holds her back just as tight. She's officially scared now. After a minute she pulls back slightly so that she can catch Terri's eyes. She searches them and finds deep regret.
"Tell me what you're sorry for..." she whispers.
Terri looks into Emma's eyes and then leans in for another kiss. She knows this could be the last one for a while so she makes it count. She brings her hand up to the back of Emma's neck, stroking the soft skin there while her lips claim Emma's in a bittersweet kiss.
When she draws away, she runs her thumb over Emma's lower lip, watching its progress so that she doesn't need to look Emma in the eye.
"When I went out yesterday morning...I went to see Will..."
Emma watches Terri's actions and places the look from yesterday - guilt. When Terri mentions Will's name she tries not to tense up. She feels like it's a competition, which is ridiculous. Besides, Terri chose to be with her. She shouldn't feel so insecure now. She gives a small, gentle smile instead, as she leads them to the couch.
"It's okay," she says, kissing Terri on the lips. "You spent every day with each other for the last 16 years. It's going to take some adjusting. It's okay for you, because you have me." She smiles. "And he... well..." She swallows down her own guilt. It's not like she intended to fall for Terri...it just happened. "Was he... Okay?"
Terri closes her eyes as Emma speaks because it hurts too much to look at her. Emma is possibly the most wonderful, most understanding person in the world. Terri almost wishes that Emma would react the way that she would have upon hearing such a confession; with anger. She fights down the jealousy she feels even at the thought of Emma telling her something like this.
She opens her eyes and reaches out to take Emma's hand.
"No. No, he wasn't okay at all. He was all sad and scruffy and he...was crying and I felt so awful and I..." her voice catches, but she resists the urge to dissolve into tears again. She lifts her head and looks into Emma's eyes. "He kissed me."
Emma blinks and her entire body tenses.
"He um...he what?" she asks softly as she takes her hand out of Terri's. Her eyebrows knit together as she takes this in. Then she asks, "Did you...did you...kiss him back?"
Terri hesitates, every fibre in her body is screaming at her to lie, to cover it up, to make it go away.
Instead, she nods.
Emma stands up and walks to the middle of the living room where she stays rooted to the spot, staring at Terri.
"Wh...Why would you do that?"
Terri wants to stand up and go to her and hold her. But she doesn't. She stays seated, looking up at the hurt that's clear to see on Emma's face. 'Why?' That's the worst question she could have asked. Because Terri can't explain it to herself, let alone someone else.
"I...I don't know."
Emma folds her arms over her chest defensively. She turns her body away from Terri, but turns her head to look at her. "So yesterday... yesterday was all about you feeling guilty?" She asks. "That's why you wouldn't let me..." Her voice catches, so she stops talking and clears her throat instead and turns her head away.
Terri does stand now and takes a couple of steps towards Emma, her hand reaching out instinctively to touch her shoulder but she stops it and clenches it into a fist, drawing it back in and letting it drop.
"No. Well, maybe...a little. I don't know,î she says, because she doesnít have the courage to say that she doesnít deserve Emma, in case she agrees. ìI just...I just wanted to show you how much I love you."
Emma turns back around and notices that Terri is closer than she would like. She takes two steps back. "You wanted to assuage your guilt."
Terri feels the edges of her temper flare at the accusation, but it is dampened by the fact she knows it's true. And by how much it hurts that Emma has moved further away from her.
"I guess I did. Because I knew what I'd done was wrong and I hated myself for doing something that would hurt you and I wanted to show you how much you mean to me."
Emmaís chin falls to her chest.
"It's tainted," she whispers, her eyes blurring with tears that she blinks against.
"No...God, don't say that,î Terri gasps.
Her legs move of their own accord and she closes the distance between them in a heartbeat, her hand reaching out to touch Emma's cheek.
Emma has to fight against every urge to lean into Terri's touch. She turns her head away from Terri's hand. Terri reels back a little, stung by the rejection. She feels her defences starting to rise, even though she knows she's in the wrong.
It was just a kiss, this much is true, but it still hurts. It would have hurt on any other day but especially more knowing that it happened on Valentines' Day. That Terri walked out of the house to go to Will's, while she waited at home like a little puppy... She closes her eyes against the image that pops into her head of Terri and Will. Her stomach lurches as she pictures the two of them doing more than just kissing. She eyes Terri, warily.
"I'm so sorry," Terri says, helplessly.
Emma nods.
"You said that already."
She refuses to meet Terri's eyes. She sniffles a bit and then moves back to the couch, sitting on the edge, back straight. She's having difficulty getting these images out of her head. She doesnít want to ask Terri if anything more happened. Both for fear of confirmation and for fear of starting a fight if nothing happened. She's torn because she wants to know, but doesn't know if she can handle anymore.
Terri has no idea what to do. Emma looks so small and broken sitting there, and it's because of her. Her conscience nags her to be completely honest. But she doesn't think she'd survive the look in Emma's eyes.
She walks forward cautiously and kneels down in front of Emma, careful not to touch her.
"How can I fix this?"
Emma doesn't know how to respond, because honestly, she doesn't know if this can be fixed. So she asks the question that's been grating her, however random it feels in the moment. She doesn't feel like she can answer Terri's question until she has an answer to hers first.
"Did you sleep with him?" she asks softly, her voice tight with emotion. Oddly enough, the only one missing is anger.
Terri looks down at the floor. The answer is 'No'. And she could leave it at that. Emma might even believe it. But she can't do it; she can't betray her trust even further. Slowly she raises her head and meets Emma's eyes.
"No, I didn't sleep with him," she says, and sees relief spark in Emma's eyes for a brief second before she continues. "But it went further than a kiss.î
Emma swallows past the lump in her throat. She's fighting so hard against tears that her body aches...it just adds to the dull thumping in her chest and her head. Her question was answered. It went further than a kiss, but not as far as sleeping with him, so what more does she need to know?
"How...how far?"
Terri flinches at the question, as she gets a flashback of Will's body on top of hers, grinding into her.
"Emma...you don't want to hear...î she trails off, unsure of what to say. ìI stopped it before it went too far."
Emma sucks in a deep, shaky breath.
"How far?" she repeats.
She looks into Terri's eyes and tries to find answers. Terri stands and walks away, her right hand cradles her abdomen protectively. A habit she picked up while wearing the pregnancy pad. She turns back to face Emma.
"I love you, I know you don't want to hear that right now, but I have to say it before I tell you this," she says.
Emma closes her eyes and presses her lips together. She stays quiet and waits. Terri takes a deep breath.
"We...took some of our clothes off. And there was some...touching. Then I stopped it."
Emma doesn't say anything. She just sits there willing herself not to cry. At least not in front of Terri. Her silence cuts Terri far deeper than screaming and shouting would. She moves back to her previous position, kneeling in front of Emma. She tries to catch her eye but Emma won't look at her.
"Emma, I stopped it because I didn't want to hurt you," she says, pleading.
Emma's head snaps around to look at Terri.
"Because you didn't want t... That's the only reason you stopped it?"
Her eyebrows knit together, hurt. Terri is confused by this reaction.
"Wh...isn't that a good thing? Not wanting to hurt you?" she asks.
"If that's the only reason why you stopped it, then no. No it is not a good thing, Terri," Emma replies in a low tone, shaking her head not to agree with her point, but because she is shocked and disappointed.
Emma looks so crestfallen, it breaks Terri's heart. She thinks back over her words and it hits her; the reason Emmaís upset. The problem is, she isnít wrong. Terri leans forward and puts her hands on Emma's knees, causing her to look up sharply.
"I want to tell you that I didn't want him...I can't do that," she says, her voice breaking. "But I can tell you that I wanted you more. Which is why I stopped it and came home. To you."
"So that's why you went there? Because you..." She swallows. "You wanted him?"
She stands up again, to move to the armchair to get away from Terri, but Terri moves with her and tries to grab hold of her wrist, only to have Emma pull away, cradling her forearm like she's been burned.
"No, wait. Don't answer that," Emma continues. "I don't know why I keep asking questions. I have to be a glutton for punishment. I just... I have to be..."
"No, I promise I didn't go there because I wanted to sleep with him. I just needed to make sure he was okay. And he wasn't and he was crying and it was because of things I'd done, choices I'd made. And then he hugged me and it was all so familiar and...things just got out of hand," Terri says.
Emma just stares at Terri. A dozen questions are flying around in her head, but she doesn't have the energy. She sits down heavily.
"Emma...say something," Terri begs.
Emma opens her mouth to talk, but closes it a second later. She shakes her head and tucks her legs up on the armchair, hugging her knees and turns away from Terri.
A tear escapes and she uses her shoulder to wipe it away, hoping that Terri doesnít notice the action because if she does, she'll walk over to her and beg and plead and cry and that will just destroy Emma even more.
She doesn't even know why she's still here. And with that thought, she gets up and goes into the bedroom to change out of her robe. She closes the door behind her, softly.
Terri watches her go with a growing ache in her chest. It's obvious that Emma is crying, that she made Emma cry. A tear makes its way down her own cheek as she walks to the bedroom door. She rests her hand on the handle but can't bring herself to open it. It doesn't feel like she has the right to. She rests her forehead against the wood, letting her tears fall onto the carpet. She knocks lightly.
"Emma? Baby? Talk to me, please," she hates how pathetic she sounds but she can't help it. "Please, I love you...I'll do anything...just tell me what to do."
She holds her breath, awaiting a response. It doesnít come.
Emma hasn't moved from the door. She's leaning back against it, trying to pull herself together, but tears are running down her face. After a few moments, when she feels like she's let enough out to get her through however long this will last for before she leaves, she pushes away from the door to get dressed.
Despite what her work attire says of her, she does own casual clothes. She puts on a pair of jeans and a hooded jumper, throwing on a random pair of shoes.
She runs her hands over her face and moves back towards the door, where finally she speaks.
"You can move away from the door," she says softly.
The quiet words startle Terri upright. Her hand is still on the handle so she pushes the door open to reveal Emma standing there. Her face is dry but her eyes are red and puffy and this unleashes a fresh wave of Terriís own tears. She doesn't plan the next words that come out of her mouth.
"God, you're beautiful," she says in a breathless whisper.
"Don't," Emma says firmly.
It's the only sign of emotion she's shown and she's surprised by how harsh she sounds. She closes her eyes.
"I'm sorry," she whispers. "Just...please don't."
She walks past Terri, careful not to touch her in any way, even by accident. She stops and turns around on the spot.
"You could have gone to see him. On any other day that wouldn't have made you feel so nostalgic," her voice cracks halfway through but by this point she doesn't care. "You could have picked up the phone. On any other day that wouldn't have made you feel so guilty for choosing me. Because you did choose me, Terri."
Emma doesn't bother wiping the few tears that have escaped and it takes every ounce of willpower Terri has not to go to her and kiss them away. She swallows hard against the knot of emotion in her throat.
"You're right, I did choose you...and I don't regret that for one second," she says, taking a step forward. "And you're right, I shouldn't have gone there yesterday. I was wrong and I'm sorry."
It's probably the most honest she's ever been.
"I need to fix this Emma. I need you. Tell me what to do to make it better."
Again, Emma takes a step back. She knows this will hurt Terri, but she can't be close to her right now. She just can't. She's hurt and betrayed and sad and she doesn't know what to do.
"Yeah, it really seems like you regretted going there when you let him kiss you... and touch you..." Emma says, sadly.
She starts to move towards the front door but stops after a few steps and hangs her head.
"I need for you to give me space." She doesn't look at Terri. She doesn't want to see her break. "I need for you to understand that I need to process this. And think. A lot."
Emma blinks hard against tears and turns her head a little bit, still not looking at Terri.
"Thank you for your honesty. However reluctant you were..."
Terri's insides turn to ice as she realises Emma's heading for the door. She starts towards her, panicked. This canít happen, not again.
"No...no, Emma...don't leave me...not like this."
Terri moves around Emma and stands in front of the door, blocking her exit. Terri holds her hands up in a gesture of surrender.
"If you need time to think, that's fine, I can give you that. If you need space...I'll...Iíll sleep on the couch...just...don't leave me," the last words are barely above a whisper
Emma tries not to let her emotions get the better of her. She needs to remain strong, at least until she gets to her car. She doesn't turn away from Terri, but she doesn't look at her either.
"How do you expect us to live together after this? We would be on top of each other in a tense environment and that would just make things worse..." she notes that her voice is shaking but chooses to ignore it. "If you want to try to resolve this, you need to let me leave."
She doesn't want to say the next part but she feels that she needs to make her point clear.
"I can't be around you right now. I need to deal with this and then maybe we can talk... But I can't right now. I'm sorry."
She needs to get out of here soon because she doesn't know how long she can keep her emotions in check. She's already coming apart at the seams.
"Please," Emma whispers, taking in a shuddery breath. "If you love me, you'll let me go."
She bites her bottom lip to keep from crying.
If only she hadn't said that final sentence. Terri would have pushed and begged and fought. Instead she steps aside, away from the door.
Emma lets out a breath and closes her eyes, her emotions taking over. She doesn't bother to wipe her tears away now. She just whispers a shaky 'thank you' before she gathers the last of her strength and walks out the door. As soon as her feet hit the landing, her tears run freely. She doesn't look back.
When the door closes Terri turns and slumps against it, wrapping her arms around herself and sliding down the wood, sobs wracking her frame.
When she finally finds the energy to drag herself up off the floor, she stumbles blindly to the bedroom, where the first thing she sees is the tiger cub she gave Emma yesterday. She picks it up and clutches it to her face, her tears soaking into its fur. She falls into the bed and her senses are assaulted by Emma's scent. She pulls the covers over her head, thinking that maybe she'll never leave there again.
Sad!fic is sad. Do not fear. We are writing a fluffy gone smutty fic to balance this atrocity out!
AUTHORS: the_girl_20 and voodoochild_101
FANDOM: Glee / #Glitter
PAIRING: Terri/Emma, mentions of Terri/Will
SUMMARY: The day after Valentine's Day
RATING: PG-13
WORD COUNT: ~4,000
DISCLAIMER: Don't own 'em. They're Ryan Murphy's.
SPOILERS: None
AUTHORS' NOTES 1: Based on the Twitter based Role Play known as Glitter (the_glitter). Check out the twitter accounts of Terri and Emma.
AUTHORS' NOTES 2: This fic follows Valentine's Day - Terri and Valentine's Day - Emma. It most likely will not make sense unless you have read both of those.
AUTHORS' NOTES 3: Emma and Terri's 'End of Hiatus' fics will take off from the end of this fic.
Emma turns over in her sleep and throws out an arm to snuggle into Terri. She starts to stir when she discovers that the other side of the bed is empty and cold. She opens her eyes, noting that itís not yet fully light. She gets out of bed, puts on a robe and heads into the living room where she finds Terri standing, looking out of the window, cradling a cup of coffee. She approaches her and hugs her from behind.
"Morning."
Terri jumps slightly at the unexpected contact. She turns in Emma's arms and gives her a small smile. Emma leans in for a good-morning kiss but Terri avoids her lips and kisses her on the cheek instead.
"Sorry, coffee breath. You want tea?" she asks, moving out of Emma's embrace and heading into the kitchen.
Emma blinks, puzzled.
"Uh...sure...thanks."
'Coffee breath' hasn't stopped Terri before. Not even morning breath has. Still, she shrugs it off and follows her into the kitchen, leaning against the entry way.
"Sleep well?" she asks, conversationally.
Terri busies herself making tea and doesn't look at Emma as she replies.
"Uh...yeah...fine. Just woke up a little early, you know?"
"That's funny," Emma says as she walks into the kitchen. She comes to a stop beside Terri, her back resting on the counter, arms crossed loosely at her stomach. "Because you kept me up all night with your tossing and turning..." She turns her body towards Terri's and rests a hand at the small of her back. "So I know you didn't sleep well..."
Terri's hands still and her body tenses for a second. She glances at Emma and then back down at the teapot.
"I'm sorry, I...I didn't mean to keep you awake...I was just...restless, I guess."
She pecks Emma on the cheek again by way of an apology before turning away and pouring the tea.
"I wasn't scolding you, Terri."
She rubs Terri's back. A few beats pass. She takes a deep breath.
"Is it... Is it because it was your first Valentine's Day with someone new? It's okay if that's the reason... It's normal..."
Terri turns sharply.
"What? No! No, it's...it wasn't anything to do with that. I loved spending the day with you yesterday."
She leans in and presses her lips firmly, but chastely, against Emma's. She pulls back and looks into her eyes.
"I loved every minute we spent together yesterday, OK?"
Emma smiles, reassured. She reaches out to cup Terri's face. "Me too..." She moves in for a kiss.
Terri turns away, gently removing Emma's hand from her face. She looks down at the counter.
"Your tea will get cold."
At that, Emma drops her hand back to her side and stares at Terri, taking her in. Emma's beyond confused right now and she doesn't like the fact that Terri is being reserved around her.
"That's never stopped us before..."
She's unsure of what else to say. So she goes all in.
"What's wrong?"
Terri rubs her eyes.
"Nothing's wrong. I'm just...tired. Like you said, I didn't get much sleep."
Terri folds her arms across her chest, looking at Emma for a long moment. Then she walks out of the kitchen. Emma follows her, leaving the untouched cup of tea on the counter.
ìTerri... if I've done something wrong, can you just tell me? I don't like this game...."
Emma stops in between the kitchen and the living room, keeping a certain amount of space between herself and Terri. The question has possibly come from out of the blue, but in her mind, it's completely valid. Sheís so new to this ërelationshipí stuff that she feels sheís always playing catch-up. But somethingís definitely off about Terriís behaviour.
"You haven't let me touch you since yesterday morning. Every time I try, you avoid it. You avoid me. Am I doing something wrong?"
Emma has never felt so small and vulnerable before.
"What?î
Terri appears in the doorway, aghast. She walks up to Emma, taking her face in her hands and looking into her eyes.
ìGod, Emma, no...don't ever think that."
She leans in, kissing Emma deeply, desperately. The kiss draws to an end but Terri keeps her forehead pressed against Emma's, as they both catch their breath.
"You haven't done anything wrong...you...you're perfect. God, I love you so much...î Terri says, her voice faltering, her words punctuated by gasping sobs. ìI'm so...I love you...you have to...know...that."
"...I... I do. And I love you, too. You have to know that..." she returns, worry evident in her voice.
Emma starts to panic and a million things go through her head at once. The main one is concern for the woman apparently breaking down in front of her. She wonders if reaching out to wipe away Terri's tears is going to result in Terri trying to push her away. She risks it.
Terri leans into the contact, her own hand coming up to cover Emma's. She turns her face and kisses Emma's palm. She opens her eyes to see Emma looking at her with such concern that something inside her breaks. She pulls Emma forward and wraps her arms around her waist, squeezing her tightly and burying her face into Emma's neck. She whispers the same words over and over again.
"I'm so sorry."
Emma holds her back just as tight. She's officially scared now. After a minute she pulls back slightly so that she can catch Terri's eyes. She searches them and finds deep regret.
"Tell me what you're sorry for..." she whispers.
Terri looks into Emma's eyes and then leans in for another kiss. She knows this could be the last one for a while so she makes it count. She brings her hand up to the back of Emma's neck, stroking the soft skin there while her lips claim Emma's in a bittersweet kiss.
When she draws away, she runs her thumb over Emma's lower lip, watching its progress so that she doesn't need to look Emma in the eye.
"When I went out yesterday morning...I went to see Will..."
Emma watches Terri's actions and places the look from yesterday - guilt. When Terri mentions Will's name she tries not to tense up. She feels like it's a competition, which is ridiculous. Besides, Terri chose to be with her. She shouldn't feel so insecure now. She gives a small, gentle smile instead, as she leads them to the couch.
"It's okay," she says, kissing Terri on the lips. "You spent every day with each other for the last 16 years. It's going to take some adjusting. It's okay for you, because you have me." She smiles. "And he... well..." She swallows down her own guilt. It's not like she intended to fall for Terri...it just happened. "Was he... Okay?"
Terri closes her eyes as Emma speaks because it hurts too much to look at her. Emma is possibly the most wonderful, most understanding person in the world. Terri almost wishes that Emma would react the way that she would have upon hearing such a confession; with anger. She fights down the jealousy she feels even at the thought of Emma telling her something like this.
She opens her eyes and reaches out to take Emma's hand.
"No. No, he wasn't okay at all. He was all sad and scruffy and he...was crying and I felt so awful and I..." her voice catches, but she resists the urge to dissolve into tears again. She lifts her head and looks into Emma's eyes. "He kissed me."
Emma blinks and her entire body tenses.
"He um...he what?" she asks softly as she takes her hand out of Terri's. Her eyebrows knit together as she takes this in. Then she asks, "Did you...did you...kiss him back?"
Terri hesitates, every fibre in her body is screaming at her to lie, to cover it up, to make it go away.
Instead, she nods.
Emma stands up and walks to the middle of the living room where she stays rooted to the spot, staring at Terri.
"Wh...Why would you do that?"
Terri wants to stand up and go to her and hold her. But she doesn't. She stays seated, looking up at the hurt that's clear to see on Emma's face. 'Why?' That's the worst question she could have asked. Because Terri can't explain it to herself, let alone someone else.
"I...I don't know."
Emma folds her arms over her chest defensively. She turns her body away from Terri, but turns her head to look at her. "So yesterday... yesterday was all about you feeling guilty?" She asks. "That's why you wouldn't let me..." Her voice catches, so she stops talking and clears her throat instead and turns her head away.
Terri does stand now and takes a couple of steps towards Emma, her hand reaching out instinctively to touch her shoulder but she stops it and clenches it into a fist, drawing it back in and letting it drop.
"No. Well, maybe...a little. I don't know,î she says, because she doesnít have the courage to say that she doesnít deserve Emma, in case she agrees. ìI just...I just wanted to show you how much I love you."
Emma turns back around and notices that Terri is closer than she would like. She takes two steps back. "You wanted to assuage your guilt."
Terri feels the edges of her temper flare at the accusation, but it is dampened by the fact she knows it's true. And by how much it hurts that Emma has moved further away from her.
"I guess I did. Because I knew what I'd done was wrong and I hated myself for doing something that would hurt you and I wanted to show you how much you mean to me."
Emmaís chin falls to her chest.
"It's tainted," she whispers, her eyes blurring with tears that she blinks against.
"No...God, don't say that,î Terri gasps.
Her legs move of their own accord and she closes the distance between them in a heartbeat, her hand reaching out to touch Emma's cheek.
Emma has to fight against every urge to lean into Terri's touch. She turns her head away from Terri's hand. Terri reels back a little, stung by the rejection. She feels her defences starting to rise, even though she knows she's in the wrong.
It was just a kiss, this much is true, but it still hurts. It would have hurt on any other day but especially more knowing that it happened on Valentines' Day. That Terri walked out of the house to go to Will's, while she waited at home like a little puppy... She closes her eyes against the image that pops into her head of Terri and Will. Her stomach lurches as she pictures the two of them doing more than just kissing. She eyes Terri, warily.
"I'm so sorry," Terri says, helplessly.
Emma nods.
"You said that already."
She refuses to meet Terri's eyes. She sniffles a bit and then moves back to the couch, sitting on the edge, back straight. She's having difficulty getting these images out of her head. She doesnít want to ask Terri if anything more happened. Both for fear of confirmation and for fear of starting a fight if nothing happened. She's torn because she wants to know, but doesn't know if she can handle anymore.
Terri has no idea what to do. Emma looks so small and broken sitting there, and it's because of her. Her conscience nags her to be completely honest. But she doesn't think she'd survive the look in Emma's eyes.
She walks forward cautiously and kneels down in front of Emma, careful not to touch her.
"How can I fix this?"
Emma doesn't know how to respond, because honestly, she doesn't know if this can be fixed. So she asks the question that's been grating her, however random it feels in the moment. She doesn't feel like she can answer Terri's question until she has an answer to hers first.
"Did you sleep with him?" she asks softly, her voice tight with emotion. Oddly enough, the only one missing is anger.
Terri looks down at the floor. The answer is 'No'. And she could leave it at that. Emma might even believe it. But she can't do it; she can't betray her trust even further. Slowly she raises her head and meets Emma's eyes.
"No, I didn't sleep with him," she says, and sees relief spark in Emma's eyes for a brief second before she continues. "But it went further than a kiss.î
Emma swallows past the lump in her throat. She's fighting so hard against tears that her body aches...it just adds to the dull thumping in her chest and her head. Her question was answered. It went further than a kiss, but not as far as sleeping with him, so what more does she need to know?
"How...how far?"
Terri flinches at the question, as she gets a flashback of Will's body on top of hers, grinding into her.
"Emma...you don't want to hear...î she trails off, unsure of what to say. ìI stopped it before it went too far."
Emma sucks in a deep, shaky breath.
"How far?" she repeats.
She looks into Terri's eyes and tries to find answers. Terri stands and walks away, her right hand cradles her abdomen protectively. A habit she picked up while wearing the pregnancy pad. She turns back to face Emma.
"I love you, I know you don't want to hear that right now, but I have to say it before I tell you this," she says.
Emma closes her eyes and presses her lips together. She stays quiet and waits. Terri takes a deep breath.
"We...took some of our clothes off. And there was some...touching. Then I stopped it."
Emma doesn't say anything. She just sits there willing herself not to cry. At least not in front of Terri. Her silence cuts Terri far deeper than screaming and shouting would. She moves back to her previous position, kneeling in front of Emma. She tries to catch her eye but Emma won't look at her.
"Emma, I stopped it because I didn't want to hurt you," she says, pleading.
Emma's head snaps around to look at Terri.
"Because you didn't want t... That's the only reason you stopped it?"
Her eyebrows knit together, hurt. Terri is confused by this reaction.
"Wh...isn't that a good thing? Not wanting to hurt you?" she asks.
"If that's the only reason why you stopped it, then no. No it is not a good thing, Terri," Emma replies in a low tone, shaking her head not to agree with her point, but because she is shocked and disappointed.
Emma looks so crestfallen, it breaks Terri's heart. She thinks back over her words and it hits her; the reason Emmaís upset. The problem is, she isnít wrong. Terri leans forward and puts her hands on Emma's knees, causing her to look up sharply.
"I want to tell you that I didn't want him...I can't do that," she says, her voice breaking. "But I can tell you that I wanted you more. Which is why I stopped it and came home. To you."
"So that's why you went there? Because you..." She swallows. "You wanted him?"
She stands up again, to move to the armchair to get away from Terri, but Terri moves with her and tries to grab hold of her wrist, only to have Emma pull away, cradling her forearm like she's been burned.
"No, wait. Don't answer that," Emma continues. "I don't know why I keep asking questions. I have to be a glutton for punishment. I just... I have to be..."
"No, I promise I didn't go there because I wanted to sleep with him. I just needed to make sure he was okay. And he wasn't and he was crying and it was because of things I'd done, choices I'd made. And then he hugged me and it was all so familiar and...things just got out of hand," Terri says.
Emma just stares at Terri. A dozen questions are flying around in her head, but she doesn't have the energy. She sits down heavily.
"Emma...say something," Terri begs.
Emma opens her mouth to talk, but closes it a second later. She shakes her head and tucks her legs up on the armchair, hugging her knees and turns away from Terri.
A tear escapes and she uses her shoulder to wipe it away, hoping that Terri doesnít notice the action because if she does, she'll walk over to her and beg and plead and cry and that will just destroy Emma even more.
She doesn't even know why she's still here. And with that thought, she gets up and goes into the bedroom to change out of her robe. She closes the door behind her, softly.
Terri watches her go with a growing ache in her chest. It's obvious that Emma is crying, that she made Emma cry. A tear makes its way down her own cheek as she walks to the bedroom door. She rests her hand on the handle but can't bring herself to open it. It doesn't feel like she has the right to. She rests her forehead against the wood, letting her tears fall onto the carpet. She knocks lightly.
"Emma? Baby? Talk to me, please," she hates how pathetic she sounds but she can't help it. "Please, I love you...I'll do anything...just tell me what to do."
She holds her breath, awaiting a response. It doesnít come.
Emma hasn't moved from the door. She's leaning back against it, trying to pull herself together, but tears are running down her face. After a few moments, when she feels like she's let enough out to get her through however long this will last for before she leaves, she pushes away from the door to get dressed.
Despite what her work attire says of her, she does own casual clothes. She puts on a pair of jeans and a hooded jumper, throwing on a random pair of shoes.
She runs her hands over her face and moves back towards the door, where finally she speaks.
"You can move away from the door," she says softly.
The quiet words startle Terri upright. Her hand is still on the handle so she pushes the door open to reveal Emma standing there. Her face is dry but her eyes are red and puffy and this unleashes a fresh wave of Terriís own tears. She doesn't plan the next words that come out of her mouth.
"God, you're beautiful," she says in a breathless whisper.
"Don't," Emma says firmly.
It's the only sign of emotion she's shown and she's surprised by how harsh she sounds. She closes her eyes.
"I'm sorry," she whispers. "Just...please don't."
She walks past Terri, careful not to touch her in any way, even by accident. She stops and turns around on the spot.
"You could have gone to see him. On any other day that wouldn't have made you feel so nostalgic," her voice cracks halfway through but by this point she doesn't care. "You could have picked up the phone. On any other day that wouldn't have made you feel so guilty for choosing me. Because you did choose me, Terri."
Emma doesn't bother wiping the few tears that have escaped and it takes every ounce of willpower Terri has not to go to her and kiss them away. She swallows hard against the knot of emotion in her throat.
"You're right, I did choose you...and I don't regret that for one second," she says, taking a step forward. "And you're right, I shouldn't have gone there yesterday. I was wrong and I'm sorry."
It's probably the most honest she's ever been.
"I need to fix this Emma. I need you. Tell me what to do to make it better."
Again, Emma takes a step back. She knows this will hurt Terri, but she can't be close to her right now. She just can't. She's hurt and betrayed and sad and she doesn't know what to do.
"Yeah, it really seems like you regretted going there when you let him kiss you... and touch you..." Emma says, sadly.
She starts to move towards the front door but stops after a few steps and hangs her head.
"I need for you to give me space." She doesn't look at Terri. She doesn't want to see her break. "I need for you to understand that I need to process this. And think. A lot."
Emma blinks hard against tears and turns her head a little bit, still not looking at Terri.
"Thank you for your honesty. However reluctant you were..."
Terri's insides turn to ice as she realises Emma's heading for the door. She starts towards her, panicked. This canít happen, not again.
"No...no, Emma...don't leave me...not like this."
Terri moves around Emma and stands in front of the door, blocking her exit. Terri holds her hands up in a gesture of surrender.
"If you need time to think, that's fine, I can give you that. If you need space...I'll...Iíll sleep on the couch...just...don't leave me," the last words are barely above a whisper
Emma tries not to let her emotions get the better of her. She needs to remain strong, at least until she gets to her car. She doesn't turn away from Terri, but she doesn't look at her either.
"How do you expect us to live together after this? We would be on top of each other in a tense environment and that would just make things worse..." she notes that her voice is shaking but chooses to ignore it. "If you want to try to resolve this, you need to let me leave."
She doesn't want to say the next part but she feels that she needs to make her point clear.
"I can't be around you right now. I need to deal with this and then maybe we can talk... But I can't right now. I'm sorry."
She needs to get out of here soon because she doesn't know how long she can keep her emotions in check. She's already coming apart at the seams.
"Please," Emma whispers, taking in a shuddery breath. "If you love me, you'll let me go."
She bites her bottom lip to keep from crying.
If only she hadn't said that final sentence. Terri would have pushed and begged and fought. Instead she steps aside, away from the door.
Emma lets out a breath and closes her eyes, her emotions taking over. She doesn't bother to wipe her tears away now. She just whispers a shaky 'thank you' before she gathers the last of her strength and walks out the door. As soon as her feet hit the landing, her tears run freely. She doesn't look back.
When the door closes Terri turns and slumps against it, wrapping her arms around herself and sliding down the wood, sobs wracking her frame.
When she finally finds the energy to drag herself up off the floor, she stumbles blindly to the bedroom, where the first thing she sees is the tiger cub she gave Emma yesterday. She picks it up and clutches it to her face, her tears soaking into its fur. She falls into the bed and her senses are assaulted by Emma's scent. She pulls the covers over her head, thinking that maybe she'll never leave there again.
Sad!fic is sad. Do not fear. We are writing a fluffy gone smutty fic to balance this atrocity out!