Time to recap.
I'll start with the fact that this is not without intention and this is also without bitterness, need to explain myself or forgive anyone. This is to help me understand where I am and what I am and maybe help me to realise where to go and where I want to be.
I shall recap my memories of university, although of course, it is not where things started. Yet, it is the only period of life thus far that I look back and say, I should change that. But I can't, unlike the computer games I play do so. Everytime I do so my housemate asks me why am I bothering to start all over again. I'm not sure. Like my drawings, maybe, I find that if we don't place the lines correctly from the start, the end result is always sub par. Mistakes and errors are made in the foundations.
In my first year of uni, I was escaping a rather depressing year where I did nothing at all. Despite having achieved straight distinctions for my final year of college and having held a prestigious scholarship, I still felt surprisingly inferior. Not only that, I had gotten a place in dentistry uni melb. True, I did not understand the significance of becoming a dentist then that I do now. I was still religious and the terrible battle of good and evil still raged on in my mind As I stepped into the unfamiliar territory of college that would consume the next five years of my life I did not understand the opportunity that was being given to me.
Maybe, had I understood what was being presented before me, I would have done things differently.
Maybe it was arrogance that filled me? That I believed I understood enough of the world?
Perhaps it was my religion that did me in?
Warnings that will ensure I consider these weaknesses in the future.
I remember settling in well. After all, I was still intelligent and bold enough to gain a certain respect, if a little odd socially. Unfortunately, getting into dental school was not enough to bolster my confidence. I remember clearly, people commenting on how I should be doing a part time job, how I'd never made any money. Perhaps, it was a cultural shock. Perhaps I cared about other people's opinions too much. I took it to heart although now I think about it, why did I take it to heart? The people who said such things upon recollection, did not say it in a fair spirit. Were they jealous that my family was well to do? Did they feel bitter they had to receive responsibility early? Maybe they genuinely believed people should do things like earn their own money after the age of 17. Yet, why the flash of anger in their voice? Or worse for me - the contempt. Upon reflecting this, Maybe I was weaker than I thought I was. An interesting revelation.
My first major problem occured with a girl I was interested in. I remember growing fond of her after a few months. I decided I would ask her out in semester two. Unfortunately, she had become attached to another person. I rejected this idea although others told me of it - why? after awhile - it becomes comes to me clearly. At first I believed it was religion that I was angry at. God had failed me. The universe did not work the way it should. Good girls get together with bad guys. However,... that in itself is not a failure. Any cynic worth his salt could ahve told me that. And was I not a cynic? No, I understand what had happened now with a clearer vision. It wasn't that a good girl had gone for a bad guy. It was that a girl had chosen between me and him and she had chosen him instead. In all fairness, I was never actually an option to her. I was not on her list. But in my mind I should have been. My anger, my feeling of ineptitude originates from that. And I believe the echoes of that event still occur within my mind. Six years though, is a pitifully long period of time to get over something akin to a first heartbreak. Have I gotten over it? I wish I could say with a clear certainty yes. But there is a grain of doubt in my mind. I have not proven it yet. Not to myself at least. Will it ever be able to be proven?
There is a trap here. I have heard of it. It's a rather mailicious one. Here, listen to my logic. The feeling of inferiority causes one to prove themselves better. Yet, the very act of having to prove yourself better serves only to prove that you are inferior. Yet of course. We cannot simply walk away and say it did not happen. You lost a battle and that too is true. How then do we overcome it?
The answer to that also comes to me now. What does one do when they lose a game of chess? Because it is not as dire, we don't take it to heart. We don't mope about it for years and think of how to humiliate the other guy. Andif we walk away from the game we never grow better. We learn from the game. It becomes one of many many losses to the road of improvement. We are not inferior. Merely learning. And learning means making mistakes and losing. Albeit the consequences are larger now and I have heard that mourning is not always an evil thing.
Maybe then, I have gotten over my first year. Was that not an experience to remember and to learn from. As I consider it afresh. That was precisely what it should be. This is a stunning revelation. Time will tell of its truth.
I will stop here this night. It is enough of revelation. And continue this soon to further unravel our hang ups about uni life
I shall recap my memories of university, although of course, it is not where things started. Yet, it is the only period of life thus far that I look back and say, I should change that. But I can't, unlike the computer games I play do so. Everytime I do so my housemate asks me why am I bothering to start all over again. I'm not sure. Like my drawings, maybe, I find that if we don't place the lines correctly from the start, the end result is always sub par. Mistakes and errors are made in the foundations.
In my first year of uni, I was escaping a rather depressing year where I did nothing at all. Despite having achieved straight distinctions for my final year of college and having held a prestigious scholarship, I still felt surprisingly inferior. Not only that, I had gotten a place in dentistry uni melb. True, I did not understand the significance of becoming a dentist then that I do now. I was still religious and the terrible battle of good and evil still raged on in my mind As I stepped into the unfamiliar territory of college that would consume the next five years of my life I did not understand the opportunity that was being given to me.
Maybe, had I understood what was being presented before me, I would have done things differently.
Maybe it was arrogance that filled me? That I believed I understood enough of the world?
Perhaps it was my religion that did me in?
Warnings that will ensure I consider these weaknesses in the future.
I remember settling in well. After all, I was still intelligent and bold enough to gain a certain respect, if a little odd socially. Unfortunately, getting into dental school was not enough to bolster my confidence. I remember clearly, people commenting on how I should be doing a part time job, how I'd never made any money. Perhaps, it was a cultural shock. Perhaps I cared about other people's opinions too much. I took it to heart although now I think about it, why did I take it to heart? The people who said such things upon recollection, did not say it in a fair spirit. Were they jealous that my family was well to do? Did they feel bitter they had to receive responsibility early? Maybe they genuinely believed people should do things like earn their own money after the age of 17. Yet, why the flash of anger in their voice? Or worse for me - the contempt. Upon reflecting this, Maybe I was weaker than I thought I was. An interesting revelation.
My first major problem occured with a girl I was interested in. I remember growing fond of her after a few months. I decided I would ask her out in semester two. Unfortunately, she had become attached to another person. I rejected this idea although others told me of it - why? after awhile - it becomes comes to me clearly. At first I believed it was religion that I was angry at. God had failed me. The universe did not work the way it should. Good girls get together with bad guys. However,... that in itself is not a failure. Any cynic worth his salt could ahve told me that. And was I not a cynic? No, I understand what had happened now with a clearer vision. It wasn't that a good girl had gone for a bad guy. It was that a girl had chosen between me and him and she had chosen him instead. In all fairness, I was never actually an option to her. I was not on her list. But in my mind I should have been. My anger, my feeling of ineptitude originates from that. And I believe the echoes of that event still occur within my mind. Six years though, is a pitifully long period of time to get over something akin to a first heartbreak. Have I gotten over it? I wish I could say with a clear certainty yes. But there is a grain of doubt in my mind. I have not proven it yet. Not to myself at least. Will it ever be able to be proven?
There is a trap here. I have heard of it. It's a rather mailicious one. Here, listen to my logic. The feeling of inferiority causes one to prove themselves better. Yet, the very act of having to prove yourself better serves only to prove that you are inferior. Yet of course. We cannot simply walk away and say it did not happen. You lost a battle and that too is true. How then do we overcome it?
The answer to that also comes to me now. What does one do when they lose a game of chess? Because it is not as dire, we don't take it to heart. We don't mope about it for years and think of how to humiliate the other guy. Andif we walk away from the game we never grow better. We learn from the game. It becomes one of many many losses to the road of improvement. We are not inferior. Merely learning. And learning means making mistakes and losing. Albeit the consequences are larger now and I have heard that mourning is not always an evil thing.
Maybe then, I have gotten over my first year. Was that not an experience to remember and to learn from. As I consider it afresh. That was precisely what it should be. This is a stunning revelation. Time will tell of its truth.
I will stop here this night. It is enough of revelation. And continue this soon to further unravel our hang ups about uni life