le grr
I have no idea what is going on. I am SO agitated. Frustrated. Irritable. Pent-up. Absolutely everything is pissing me off. It is completely irrational.
Yesterday on the bus there was a young woman standing in front of me staring at herself in the reflection in the window, giving bedroom eyes and pouting her lips, while her companion was trying to have a conversation with her. She didn't even look at him when she responded, still caught in her own reflection. I wanted to SCREAM. How incredibly rude, vain, and shameless. Everybody is vain to some extent, but this just got under my skin. Doesn't anyone have any shame anymore?
Why did that bother me so much?
I guess I'm just hyperconscious of my actions and appearance when I'm in public. This is due to my anxiety issues, and largely why people think I'm distant or unapproachable. I'm so focussed on being socially appropriate that it turns me to stone. So I guess when I see people being so shameless and inappropriate in public it makes me rage. Perhaps it's a bit of jealousy.
I want to make friends. This is in no way a comment on my current friends...I love you all. But I realized that the one thing really lacking for me are 'buddies'. When I lived in Toronto, I had a constant circle of amazing friends. You didn't call on Friday and say "what are you doing tonight?" you called and said "what are WE doing tonight?" (although we always knew...the Q Bar beckoned. Those liquid filled peanuts and motor oil/vomit beer). I think the key to this is finding friends at school. I've been going to Concordia for almost 2 years now and I haven't made ONE friend. In fact, in the two years I've barely even spoken to a single person. This is not out of a lack on interest, like I said I WANT to make friends. I'm just so shy, and I know that I don't look very approachable.
How do I change this? I try to smile, I try to look warm even when I'm terrified. My father suggested I hang out at Reggie's (the campus bar) and just see if I can strike up conversation. But I just couldn't...
Making friends used to be so efforless...it just happened, you didn't need to work at it. *sigh*
There are some young girls who moved in to the apartment beside mine. I really want to make contact but I don't know how. Again, the faja suggested heading up with a bottle of hooch and introducing myself. I just need the balls.
I think I'm a good person, and a better friend. Where is the disconnect?? HELP!!