Anger (RPS - Tennant/Simm, R)
Title: Anger
Author: von_gelmini
Fandom: RPF/RPS
Characters: David Tennant/John Simm
Rating: R
WordCount: 3830
Warnings: Non-Monogamous Relationships, D/s, Power Exchange, RPF/S
Disclaimer: This is a work of Fiction. I do not know any of these people. These events never happened. This story is not meant to imply any sort of actual relationship between the people whose names & likenesses are used within. No intent to harm or damage anyone is meant. It’s 100% MAKE-BELIEVE. NOT REAL. NEVER HAPPENED.
If RPF/RPS squicks you, please don't read.
Written as a sequel to and in the same universe as: That Chair and After the Party.
Anger
David had been trying his best to keep his agitation in check all week, but it was beginning to bleed out. He’d actually lost his temper at a young woman on the set of a morning talk show for absolutely no reason. He apologized of course to the poor girl, and felt like shite afterwards. He didn’t feel like himself and nothing seemed to be pulling him out of it. He couldn’t put his finger on what it was that was irritating him enough to lose his act like that. Nothing unusual had happened. Nothing was going wrong in his life. In fact, things were going pretty well. It was an adjustment, sure, to not be working as intensively as he’d been as the Doctor, but he was working steadily and had a few exciting things in the queue. It didn’t feel like it was a post-Doctor depression, but there was something from that time he was definitely missing. There was this low buzz of something just beneath the surface. And the longer it went on, the more he became angry with himself for not being in better control. And with that, the more he just became plain angry.
He begged off the last two dinners he and Georgia were supposed to go to, and had pretty much decided that he was going to be out with the ‘flu’ or something for a few days and not take any but the most unavoidable calls. He needed to take some time to figure out what was off with him. He stretched out on his sofa and tried some of the self-hypnosis techniques he had learned from Darren. With his vivid imagination, he’d found that he was quite susceptible to those mental exercises and used them often when he needed to simultaneously focus and relax.
When he opened his eyes, he felt something cold on his hand. His fingers had slipped down between the sofa’s cushions and something was entangled in them. He pulled his hand out. A slender gold chain with a cross, its clasp broken, was wrapped around his fingers. He frowned at it. It wasn’t his and he was pretty sure it wasn’t Georgia’s. And there hadn’t been anyone else... John. John wore a chain like this and last time -- gosh it was almost six months ago, wasn’t it? -- his had broken and they couldn’t find it.
David absently played with the chain and thought back to that time. John had brought something out in himself he hadn’t even dreamed was there. Times since then he’d wondered if it had even been real. Most people would be disgusted by what he’d done. So he put those feelings on and wore them around for awhile. It was, wasn’t it? Disgusting? The way he’d let himself be beaten, the way he’d begged for John to hurt him more? The attraction was normal. It wasn’t like John was the first man he’d ever shagged. But the other things? And yet truth be told, he didn’t feel disgusted. He just felt need and desire, but not disgust or even shame. Those were just the emotions he imagined that he was supposed to feel.
And there it was. Simply remembering those things -- John’s voice as it commanded him, the possessive touch of his hands, the whips, the leather cuffs binding his wrists and ankles, the stinging pain and then the even more intense pleasure -- was stirring his cock. He reached down and rubbed himself a little, through his trousers. “You are a perv.” he muttered, talking to it. But for the first time in days, he’d felt calmer. “You want your Master, don’t you?” he said and smiled.
John was in town prepping a play for the fall, but in just a few weeks David would begin principal shooting for his next project and be gone for a few months. So for this short window of time, it could be entirely possible that they might run into each other... especially if David put some work into it. Of course he did have John’s mobile number and he could just call him up to chat. Just checking in on an old friend to say ‘hi.’ It had been so long since anything else passed between them. He wasn’t sure they’d pick up where they’d left off. But no harm in just giving him a ring to see how things were going, was there?
He mulled it over some more. Getting up, he stuffed the chain into the pocket of his jeans. He distracted himself with fixing dinner, then with the washing up. He checked his messages, took care of some correspondence; but when he started absently going through the pile of scripts he’d rejected days ago, he knew he was avoiding the situation, and that the agitation was back. He sat down and sighed, irritated with himself. He fished in his pocket for his mobile. When he brought it out it was tangled up in that prophetic little chain. He scrolled through his phone book until he found John’s number. He smiled at the picture tagged to it. It was from when he’d gone to see Speaking in Tongues. That was the last time that he’d been with John. Even though they had both more than enjoyed themselves and said they’d meet up again when their schedules permitted, enough time had passed that David felt uncertain of the reception he’d get, calling out of the blue. It’s not exactly like he could call and say, “Hi John, I’ve been in a foul mood lately and need you to tie me up, beat the shite out of me and fuck me silly.” Although that’s exactly what he wanted to say.
He tapped the ‘call’ icon and waited. It went straight to voice mail. David breathed a sigh of relief as he listened to the message and left his own. He tried to sound casual. “Hi, John. It’s David. I’ve got a few weeks in town before I have to start filming again and I was wondering if you’d like to get together for dinner or something. Give me a call, okay?” He rung off. So it was in John’s court now, and that was how David liked things between them, John in control.
Stupid little schoolgirl, he thought to himself. You are not going to sit here and stare at the bloody phone all night. He paced nervously, picked up the old script, realized what he was doing and threw it across the room. He growled and scruffled his fingers angrily through his hair. He could not believe he was letting himself get into this state. It’s not like he was a desperately horny teenager or something. He had plenty of opportunity for that anytime he wanted. Sure, he felt the itch earlier when he’d been thinking about John, but that couldn’t be all this was. It’s not like if it was just wanting a man he couldn’t have satisfied that discretely. Probably the other things too. It would be risky, being as well-known as he was, but since John first led him to discover his kink, he’d heard rumors of people and places where that could be satisfied as well.
So if it wasn’t sex, if it wasn’t sex with another man, if it wasn’t kink, what was it? He knew the answer but shook his head. That wasn’t an option. Once in a while. An assignation here or there. That was all it was. Fun and friendship. Nothing more. Not ever anything more. Couldn’t be. David wouldn’t let it be. No matter how many times John had reassured him about the arrangement he had with his wife, David just couldn’t. No. No going and falling in love with a married man. Stop, rewind, erase. No going and falling for a married man. Not the other word. Not ever.
He reached out and swept the entire pile of crappy scripts off the table. “Fuck!” he swore and frustrated, kicked at the scattered pages. He sat down in the middle of the pile and began to gather them up when his mobile rang. Looking at it he saw the picture of him and John together. “Hello,” he answered, hoping that the big smile on his face didn’t show in his tone of voice.
“David,” John said brightly.
“John.”
“I was thinking about you all week. You must’ve read my mind. I’m so glad you called.”
“Really?” David knew he was failing miserably at hiding himself. Some actor, he thought. “I’ve missed you.” No point in artifice, he wasn’t at all good for it tonight. “You wanna grab some dinner? It’s late, though; you’ve probably already eaten, or have plans or something. Not tonight, but you know, sometime soon, if you can get away…”
“David,” John said a little loudly to break through. “You’re babbling.” He could tell that something was off with his friend. Seriously off. David was always a fast talker but this was way outside the norm. And the whole ‘I’ve missed you’ thing, right off. Whatever was wrong, John could tell that part of it had to do with him.
“Yeah, I am,” he said sheepishly.
“Yes,” John said straightforwardly. He’d make arrangements. It was painfully obvious that David needed him, and he felt guilty that he hadn’t talked to him for so long.
“What? Yes, I mean, what yes?”
“Are you at your flat?” John asked.
“Nothing really doing.”
“For the next couple of days?” he asked. This was going to take more than just a quick shag to put things right. He’d just left the last time they were together, figuring everything was all right. Stupid. He’d done it before, but that had been with people in the scene. There’d always been others to pick up the messes he left behind. He’d forgotten that while he and David played, David wasn’t part of that whole thing. He’d been alone all this time, with all these new feelings stirred up. Stirring up feelings. A big part of why he hadn’t called, of why he just left things hanging.
“Really? You can get a couple of days free?” David was nervous, but hopeful.
“Absolutely.” John cursed himself. It wasn’t just that his friend needed him. It was because hearing David on his voice mail had stirred things up in him, too. If there hadn’t been that edge to his voice though, John would’ve just not answered, would’ve run away again.
“Not a problem. I’ve pretty much told everyone I haven’t been feeling well.”
“Are you?”
“Not really,” David said a little sadly, “I just... I’ve been out of sorts lately.”
“I think I can fix that,” John said. “I have to finish this thing up at the theatre, but I should be there in about... an hour?”
“See you then.”
David had just enough time for a quick shower and to get himself ready. Although he decided not to do anything to take the edge off his desire, no matter how pressing it became. And as he thought about being with John again, it did indeed become pressing. Did he really have feelings for him beyond just the physical? When he thought about his future, he thought of settling down with Georgia. Married, a house, babies. He wanted that, he did. But he couldn’t imagine Georgia agreeing to the kind of arrangement John had. He couldn’t imagine telling her what he and John did together.
But if the way he’d been feeling lately was any indicator, it was going to be hard if not impossible to give up what he had with John. Hard to give up wanting there to be even more between them. Like what? He thought to himself. Honestly, what could there be between them other than the occasional shag and whatever it was that you called what they did together? If he wanted things to go on, he’d need to learn from John, learn how to compartmentalize his life. John said a few days. While they would spend much of that time fucking and playing their games, there would be other times too. Times to just spend being together. He would find time to ask John how he manages all... this.
The doorbell brought him out of himself and he sprung up lightly and ran to answer it. “John!” he said, grinning. He wrapped his arms around the shorter man and dragged him into his flat.
John laughed. “David.” He reached up and pulled the taller man down into a kiss. “I’m glad to see you too.” He slithered out of David’s grasp and shirked his coat, hanging it on a peg. “I’d forgotten what an enthusiastic puppy you are.”
David blushed a deep red. “I haven’t forgotten anything,” he said.
“It has been too long, hasn’t it?” John went into the lounge and sat on the sofa. “Come sit next to me. Tell me everything.” He held his arm wide in invitation.
David curled up into John’s arm and put all worries out of his head. It just felt so good to let himself be held. “I don’t want to go that long again, if we can help it, John. I need you. I don’t know if I should be telling you this.”
“This only works if we’re honest with each other,” John said. “I don’t want to actually hurt you, David. I’m sorry I left it so long. Life, you know?” he said, lying. There had been plenty of opportunities to snag an evening or a few hours here or there. Too many. John felt himself wanting them all, growing too close to David. So he did what he did best -- avoid the whole issue. He distracted himself in other aspects of his life. Pleasant aspects. Ordered aspects. Aspects that didn’t make him crazy to think about.
David laughed. “Boy, don’t I.”
“You’ve been doing a lot lately, or so I’ve read.” John pulled back and looked seriously at David. “Why didn’t you call me if you were going through this? I might not’ve been able to get away, but it sounds like you just needed a mate sometimes, huh?”
“Going through what? What exactly am I going through?” David sat up. “Bloody hell, John, I’m a fuckin’ wreck lately.”
The language surprised him. He was the one who usually had the trash mouth, not David. “I don’t know, David. I’ve got an idea, but you’re going to have to talk to me.”
“Talking wasn’t exactly what I had in mind,” David said. Surprising himself at his brazenness, he quickly looked down at his hands and stopped talking. What was he doing?
John reached out and lifted David’s face. “Talking first. Then I can give you what you need and not just what you want.”
“I totally lost my temper today.” He shook his head sadly at the memory. “This poor girl, I don’t even remember what she did, it wasn’t anything really. I think I actually made her cry. God, John. I went and apologized, of course, and I think she believed me, that I was just feeling under the weather, but I’m not. I’m just fine,” he added, sounding anything but.
John took hold of David’s hand. Turning it over, he unbuckled his watch and took it off, laying it on the end table. His fingers stroked the inside of David’s wrist lightly. David immediately relaxed into the touch, and let his hand fall back farther, exposing more of the sensitive skin of his wrist.
“You’re right, that doesn’t sound like you,” John said. He looked at David affectionately, all the while still tracing patterns lazily on his wrist.
“I’ve just been on edge for a couple of weeks now. No reason at all for it.”
“Since coming back from America?” David nodded. “I know things didn’t go as you’d hoped there,” John said. With his free hand he reached into his pocket and took out a narrow black leather band. He snapped it around David’s wrist were his watch had been. He turned David’s hand palm down again and held it loosely.
“That’s the work,” David said with a shrug. “It would’ve been nice, but it’s not like there weren’t other offers. I’m not hurting for work. It wasn’t even the best property, just the best at the time.”
John could feel the tension leaving through David’s hand. He watched the other man’s face relax as he spoke. The corners of John’s mouth turned up. “I’m glad you’re not committed to a US series, actually.”
“You are?” David looked surprised.
“But that’s selfish of me,” he admitted. “It would have been good for your career.”
David gave him a little smile. “But I don’t think it would’ve been good for me.”
“So it all turned out for the best, then. You’re busy and you’re working, and...” John let it trail off for David to fill in the blanks.
“And I’m restless and angry and frustrated and driving myself and everyone I know absolutely starkers and I don’t know why or how to stop.”
John loosely circled his thumb and forefinger around David’s thin wrist, imitating the leather band. “You and Georgia still getting on?”
David winced. “She’s been wonderful. When we’re together, it’s still got that spark. I can really see myself being with her for a long time. Home, kids, all that. And I’m pretty sure she feels the same way.”
John reached up and touched David lightly on his scrunched up forehead. “So why is the look on your face telling me something else?”
David sighed, trying to force his expression to flatten. “It isn’t enough,” he said. “It should be. It’s bloody marvelous, actually. So why isn’t it enough?” Biting his lip, he swallowed back a sob. “I’m must be fucking nuts,” he said, pinching the bridge of his nose with his free hand.
“What else do you need, David?” John asked quietly, after David had composed himself.
“You,” David said, looking John in the eye.
John gave David’s hand a quick squeeze. “I know.”
David snorted. “You are a cocky bastard.”
“That’s not what I meant,” John said. “I started something with you,” he began, “and then I walked away.”
“Schedules, life, I understand. It’s nothing we can’t go back to though, if you’re still interested in me that way,” David gnawed his lip. “I mean, it’s not like we ever talked about it, or anything, like it wasn’t...”
John took David’s face in both hands and kissed him full on the lips. “Would you shut up for five seconds please?”
“Running on again?”
He kissed David again. “Yes,” he mumbled against the other man’s lips. “Quiet now.”
David smiled and opened to John’s kiss then meeting it with his own desire. He broke the kiss and looked John in the eyes. “Are we done with the talking part yet?” he said smirking.
“Cheeky bastard.”
“So put me in my place.”
“There is nothing I’d rather do...”
David sighed at the implied ‘...but.’ “So, not done with the talking.”
“No.”
“It’s not like you to just want to just talk like this,” David said.
“I know.” John scooted a little back from his friend, but touched his hand again, just resting their fingers against each other.
“Okay. I’m listening.”
“How much do you know about what we were doing, the whole BDSM thing?” John asked.
“Well, I Googled around a bit after the first couple of times. Some of it was pretty, well, not what we’d been into so I just figured,” David shrugged, trailing off. “Not much at all,” he answered.
“You do know that there’s a whole underground scene. Lots of people very discretely experimenting with pleasure and pain, and with the exchange of power.”
“And a lot not very discretely too.”
“But enough that if you were interested in continuing to try things, I could introduce you. You could find other people who were into the sorts of things you like.”
“Other people,” David said, disappointed. “In other words, not you.”
“I just thought that if I wasn’t here, or whatever...”
David pulled his hand back into his lap. His fingers played with the leather strap John had put on his wrist.
“I mean, David,” John continued, “that if you meant you needed scene play when you said you needed me, there are other ways of finding it.”
David got up and went into the kitchen, leaving John on the sofa alone. He turned on the tap like he was getting a drink but just stood there gripping the edge of the sink, white knuckled. He was not going to cry. His life was fine before and it would be just fine again. He closed his eyes. It was obvious that John was not serious about what happened and was just trying to finish things off between them. He took in several slow, deep breaths that were a lot more ragged than he’d hoped for.
He raised his head when he felt the sudden warmth of John’s hand splayed on his back between his shoulders. When he opened his eyes, the tears poured out silently.
“I’m sorry, John,” he said. “I think you should leave.”
“Fuck, I’m sorry. I’m terrible at these things.”
“It’s okay, really. I shouldn’t have called.”
“David, will you stop?”
“No.” David looked angrily at John. “Please leave.”
“I want you too, David,” he blurted out. “I missed you, too.”
David quirked his left eyebrow. “What do you mean?”
John sighed, his shoulders dropping. “What I mean is, it’s different with you. It’s different and I got scared and I ran away.”
“John, I don’t just want the things that we do,” David said, stepping closer to John. “Not with someone else. And I don’t know what to do with feeling that way.”
“I know what I want to do,” John said. “I want to stop running.” He slid his arms around David’s waist. “I want you to belong to me, David. Not just for a night here or there. I want to own you, complete with everything that goes with that.”
“But what about...”
John put his finger to David’s lips. “I know. There’s a lot to work out. Our lives aren’t simple. Mine is down-right complicated. I still love my family. And my kids? They’re my life. But I want to work something out. I’m not willing to give you up.”
David leaned his head down and rested his forehead on John’s. “Then we’ll figure something out because I need you, John. I need to be yours.”
John reached out and his hand encircled David’s wrist, tightly. “You are.” He leaned up and kissed David’s lips. “I want to sleep with you tonight. We have the whole weekend ahead and then some. I just want to hold you right now and feel you sleeping next to me.”
“That sounds perfect,” David said, and he let John lead him to his bedroom.
Author: von_gelmini
Fandom: RPF/RPS
Characters: David Tennant/John Simm
Rating: R
WordCount: 3830
Warnings: Non-Monogamous Relationships, D/s, Power Exchange, RPF/S
Disclaimer: This is a work of Fiction. I do not know any of these people. These events never happened. This story is not meant to imply any sort of actual relationship between the people whose names & likenesses are used within. No intent to harm or damage anyone is meant. It’s 100% MAKE-BELIEVE. NOT REAL. NEVER HAPPENED.
If RPF/RPS squicks you, please don't read.
Written as a sequel to and in the same universe as: That Chair and After the Party.
Anger
David had been trying his best to keep his agitation in check all week, but it was beginning to bleed out. He’d actually lost his temper at a young woman on the set of a morning talk show for absolutely no reason. He apologized of course to the poor girl, and felt like shite afterwards. He didn’t feel like himself and nothing seemed to be pulling him out of it. He couldn’t put his finger on what it was that was irritating him enough to lose his act like that. Nothing unusual had happened. Nothing was going wrong in his life. In fact, things were going pretty well. It was an adjustment, sure, to not be working as intensively as he’d been as the Doctor, but he was working steadily and had a few exciting things in the queue. It didn’t feel like it was a post-Doctor depression, but there was something from that time he was definitely missing. There was this low buzz of something just beneath the surface. And the longer it went on, the more he became angry with himself for not being in better control. And with that, the more he just became plain angry.
He begged off the last two dinners he and Georgia were supposed to go to, and had pretty much decided that he was going to be out with the ‘flu’ or something for a few days and not take any but the most unavoidable calls. He needed to take some time to figure out what was off with him. He stretched out on his sofa and tried some of the self-hypnosis techniques he had learned from Darren. With his vivid imagination, he’d found that he was quite susceptible to those mental exercises and used them often when he needed to simultaneously focus and relax.
When he opened his eyes, he felt something cold on his hand. His fingers had slipped down between the sofa’s cushions and something was entangled in them. He pulled his hand out. A slender gold chain with a cross, its clasp broken, was wrapped around his fingers. He frowned at it. It wasn’t his and he was pretty sure it wasn’t Georgia’s. And there hadn’t been anyone else... John. John wore a chain like this and last time -- gosh it was almost six months ago, wasn’t it? -- his had broken and they couldn’t find it.
David absently played with the chain and thought back to that time. John had brought something out in himself he hadn’t even dreamed was there. Times since then he’d wondered if it had even been real. Most people would be disgusted by what he’d done. So he put those feelings on and wore them around for awhile. It was, wasn’t it? Disgusting? The way he’d let himself be beaten, the way he’d begged for John to hurt him more? The attraction was normal. It wasn’t like John was the first man he’d ever shagged. But the other things? And yet truth be told, he didn’t feel disgusted. He just felt need and desire, but not disgust or even shame. Those were just the emotions he imagined that he was supposed to feel.
And there it was. Simply remembering those things -- John’s voice as it commanded him, the possessive touch of his hands, the whips, the leather cuffs binding his wrists and ankles, the stinging pain and then the even more intense pleasure -- was stirring his cock. He reached down and rubbed himself a little, through his trousers. “You are a perv.” he muttered, talking to it. But for the first time in days, he’d felt calmer. “You want your Master, don’t you?” he said and smiled.
John was in town prepping a play for the fall, but in just a few weeks David would begin principal shooting for his next project and be gone for a few months. So for this short window of time, it could be entirely possible that they might run into each other... especially if David put some work into it. Of course he did have John’s mobile number and he could just call him up to chat. Just checking in on an old friend to say ‘hi.’ It had been so long since anything else passed between them. He wasn’t sure they’d pick up where they’d left off. But no harm in just giving him a ring to see how things were going, was there?
He mulled it over some more. Getting up, he stuffed the chain into the pocket of his jeans. He distracted himself with fixing dinner, then with the washing up. He checked his messages, took care of some correspondence; but when he started absently going through the pile of scripts he’d rejected days ago, he knew he was avoiding the situation, and that the agitation was back. He sat down and sighed, irritated with himself. He fished in his pocket for his mobile. When he brought it out it was tangled up in that prophetic little chain. He scrolled through his phone book until he found John’s number. He smiled at the picture tagged to it. It was from when he’d gone to see Speaking in Tongues. That was the last time that he’d been with John. Even though they had both more than enjoyed themselves and said they’d meet up again when their schedules permitted, enough time had passed that David felt uncertain of the reception he’d get, calling out of the blue. It’s not exactly like he could call and say, “Hi John, I’ve been in a foul mood lately and need you to tie me up, beat the shite out of me and fuck me silly.” Although that’s exactly what he wanted to say.
He tapped the ‘call’ icon and waited. It went straight to voice mail. David breathed a sigh of relief as he listened to the message and left his own. He tried to sound casual. “Hi, John. It’s David. I’ve got a few weeks in town before I have to start filming again and I was wondering if you’d like to get together for dinner or something. Give me a call, okay?” He rung off. So it was in John’s court now, and that was how David liked things between them, John in control.
Stupid little schoolgirl, he thought to himself. You are not going to sit here and stare at the bloody phone all night. He paced nervously, picked up the old script, realized what he was doing and threw it across the room. He growled and scruffled his fingers angrily through his hair. He could not believe he was letting himself get into this state. It’s not like he was a desperately horny teenager or something. He had plenty of opportunity for that anytime he wanted. Sure, he felt the itch earlier when he’d been thinking about John, but that couldn’t be all this was. It’s not like if it was just wanting a man he couldn’t have satisfied that discretely. Probably the other things too. It would be risky, being as well-known as he was, but since John first led him to discover his kink, he’d heard rumors of people and places where that could be satisfied as well.
So if it wasn’t sex, if it wasn’t sex with another man, if it wasn’t kink, what was it? He knew the answer but shook his head. That wasn’t an option. Once in a while. An assignation here or there. That was all it was. Fun and friendship. Nothing more. Not ever anything more. Couldn’t be. David wouldn’t let it be. No matter how many times John had reassured him about the arrangement he had with his wife, David just couldn’t. No. No going and falling in love with a married man. Stop, rewind, erase. No going and falling for a married man. Not the other word. Not ever.
He reached out and swept the entire pile of crappy scripts off the table. “Fuck!” he swore and frustrated, kicked at the scattered pages. He sat down in the middle of the pile and began to gather them up when his mobile rang. Looking at it he saw the picture of him and John together. “Hello,” he answered, hoping that the big smile on his face didn’t show in his tone of voice.
“David,” John said brightly.
“John.”
“I was thinking about you all week. You must’ve read my mind. I’m so glad you called.”
“Really?” David knew he was failing miserably at hiding himself. Some actor, he thought. “I’ve missed you.” No point in artifice, he wasn’t at all good for it tonight. “You wanna grab some dinner? It’s late, though; you’ve probably already eaten, or have plans or something. Not tonight, but you know, sometime soon, if you can get away…”
“David,” John said a little loudly to break through. “You’re babbling.” He could tell that something was off with his friend. Seriously off. David was always a fast talker but this was way outside the norm. And the whole ‘I’ve missed you’ thing, right off. Whatever was wrong, John could tell that part of it had to do with him.
“Yeah, I am,” he said sheepishly.
“Yes,” John said straightforwardly. He’d make arrangements. It was painfully obvious that David needed him, and he felt guilty that he hadn’t talked to him for so long.
“What? Yes, I mean, what yes?”
“Are you at your flat?” John asked.
“Nothing really doing.”
“For the next couple of days?” he asked. This was going to take more than just a quick shag to put things right. He’d just left the last time they were together, figuring everything was all right. Stupid. He’d done it before, but that had been with people in the scene. There’d always been others to pick up the messes he left behind. He’d forgotten that while he and David played, David wasn’t part of that whole thing. He’d been alone all this time, with all these new feelings stirred up. Stirring up feelings. A big part of why he hadn’t called, of why he just left things hanging.
“Really? You can get a couple of days free?” David was nervous, but hopeful.
“Absolutely.” John cursed himself. It wasn’t just that his friend needed him. It was because hearing David on his voice mail had stirred things up in him, too. If there hadn’t been that edge to his voice though, John would’ve just not answered, would’ve run away again.
“Not a problem. I’ve pretty much told everyone I haven’t been feeling well.”
“Are you?”
“Not really,” David said a little sadly, “I just... I’ve been out of sorts lately.”
“I think I can fix that,” John said. “I have to finish this thing up at the theatre, but I should be there in about... an hour?”
“See you then.”
David had just enough time for a quick shower and to get himself ready. Although he decided not to do anything to take the edge off his desire, no matter how pressing it became. And as he thought about being with John again, it did indeed become pressing. Did he really have feelings for him beyond just the physical? When he thought about his future, he thought of settling down with Georgia. Married, a house, babies. He wanted that, he did. But he couldn’t imagine Georgia agreeing to the kind of arrangement John had. He couldn’t imagine telling her what he and John did together.
But if the way he’d been feeling lately was any indicator, it was going to be hard if not impossible to give up what he had with John. Hard to give up wanting there to be even more between them. Like what? He thought to himself. Honestly, what could there be between them other than the occasional shag and whatever it was that you called what they did together? If he wanted things to go on, he’d need to learn from John, learn how to compartmentalize his life. John said a few days. While they would spend much of that time fucking and playing their games, there would be other times too. Times to just spend being together. He would find time to ask John how he manages all... this.
The doorbell brought him out of himself and he sprung up lightly and ran to answer it. “John!” he said, grinning. He wrapped his arms around the shorter man and dragged him into his flat.
John laughed. “David.” He reached up and pulled the taller man down into a kiss. “I’m glad to see you too.” He slithered out of David’s grasp and shirked his coat, hanging it on a peg. “I’d forgotten what an enthusiastic puppy you are.”
David blushed a deep red. “I haven’t forgotten anything,” he said.
“It has been too long, hasn’t it?” John went into the lounge and sat on the sofa. “Come sit next to me. Tell me everything.” He held his arm wide in invitation.
David curled up into John’s arm and put all worries out of his head. It just felt so good to let himself be held. “I don’t want to go that long again, if we can help it, John. I need you. I don’t know if I should be telling you this.”
“This only works if we’re honest with each other,” John said. “I don’t want to actually hurt you, David. I’m sorry I left it so long. Life, you know?” he said, lying. There had been plenty of opportunities to snag an evening or a few hours here or there. Too many. John felt himself wanting them all, growing too close to David. So he did what he did best -- avoid the whole issue. He distracted himself in other aspects of his life. Pleasant aspects. Ordered aspects. Aspects that didn’t make him crazy to think about.
David laughed. “Boy, don’t I.”
“You’ve been doing a lot lately, or so I’ve read.” John pulled back and looked seriously at David. “Why didn’t you call me if you were going through this? I might not’ve been able to get away, but it sounds like you just needed a mate sometimes, huh?”
“Going through what? What exactly am I going through?” David sat up. “Bloody hell, John, I’m a fuckin’ wreck lately.”
The language surprised him. He was the one who usually had the trash mouth, not David. “I don’t know, David. I’ve got an idea, but you’re going to have to talk to me.”
“Talking wasn’t exactly what I had in mind,” David said. Surprising himself at his brazenness, he quickly looked down at his hands and stopped talking. What was he doing?
John reached out and lifted David’s face. “Talking first. Then I can give you what you need and not just what you want.”
“I totally lost my temper today.” He shook his head sadly at the memory. “This poor girl, I don’t even remember what she did, it wasn’t anything really. I think I actually made her cry. God, John. I went and apologized, of course, and I think she believed me, that I was just feeling under the weather, but I’m not. I’m just fine,” he added, sounding anything but.
John took hold of David’s hand. Turning it over, he unbuckled his watch and took it off, laying it on the end table. His fingers stroked the inside of David’s wrist lightly. David immediately relaxed into the touch, and let his hand fall back farther, exposing more of the sensitive skin of his wrist.
“You’re right, that doesn’t sound like you,” John said. He looked at David affectionately, all the while still tracing patterns lazily on his wrist.
“I’ve just been on edge for a couple of weeks now. No reason at all for it.”
“Since coming back from America?” David nodded. “I know things didn’t go as you’d hoped there,” John said. With his free hand he reached into his pocket and took out a narrow black leather band. He snapped it around David’s wrist were his watch had been. He turned David’s hand palm down again and held it loosely.
“That’s the work,” David said with a shrug. “It would’ve been nice, but it’s not like there weren’t other offers. I’m not hurting for work. It wasn’t even the best property, just the best at the time.”
John could feel the tension leaving through David’s hand. He watched the other man’s face relax as he spoke. The corners of John’s mouth turned up. “I’m glad you’re not committed to a US series, actually.”
“You are?” David looked surprised.
“But that’s selfish of me,” he admitted. “It would have been good for your career.”
David gave him a little smile. “But I don’t think it would’ve been good for me.”
“So it all turned out for the best, then. You’re busy and you’re working, and...” John let it trail off for David to fill in the blanks.
“And I’m restless and angry and frustrated and driving myself and everyone I know absolutely starkers and I don’t know why or how to stop.”
John loosely circled his thumb and forefinger around David’s thin wrist, imitating the leather band. “You and Georgia still getting on?”
David winced. “She’s been wonderful. When we’re together, it’s still got that spark. I can really see myself being with her for a long time. Home, kids, all that. And I’m pretty sure she feels the same way.”
John reached up and touched David lightly on his scrunched up forehead. “So why is the look on your face telling me something else?”
David sighed, trying to force his expression to flatten. “It isn’t enough,” he said. “It should be. It’s bloody marvelous, actually. So why isn’t it enough?” Biting his lip, he swallowed back a sob. “I’m must be fucking nuts,” he said, pinching the bridge of his nose with his free hand.
“What else do you need, David?” John asked quietly, after David had composed himself.
“You,” David said, looking John in the eye.
John gave David’s hand a quick squeeze. “I know.”
David snorted. “You are a cocky bastard.”
“That’s not what I meant,” John said. “I started something with you,” he began, “and then I walked away.”
“Schedules, life, I understand. It’s nothing we can’t go back to though, if you’re still interested in me that way,” David gnawed his lip. “I mean, it’s not like we ever talked about it, or anything, like it wasn’t...”
John took David’s face in both hands and kissed him full on the lips. “Would you shut up for five seconds please?”
“Running on again?”
He kissed David again. “Yes,” he mumbled against the other man’s lips. “Quiet now.”
David smiled and opened to John’s kiss then meeting it with his own desire. He broke the kiss and looked John in the eyes. “Are we done with the talking part yet?” he said smirking.
“Cheeky bastard.”
“So put me in my place.”
“There is nothing I’d rather do...”
David sighed at the implied ‘...but.’ “So, not done with the talking.”
“No.”
“It’s not like you to just want to just talk like this,” David said.
“I know.” John scooted a little back from his friend, but touched his hand again, just resting their fingers against each other.
“Okay. I’m listening.”
“How much do you know about what we were doing, the whole BDSM thing?” John asked.
“Well, I Googled around a bit after the first couple of times. Some of it was pretty, well, not what we’d been into so I just figured,” David shrugged, trailing off. “Not much at all,” he answered.
“You do know that there’s a whole underground scene. Lots of people very discretely experimenting with pleasure and pain, and with the exchange of power.”
“And a lot not very discretely too.”
“But enough that if you were interested in continuing to try things, I could introduce you. You could find other people who were into the sorts of things you like.”
“Other people,” David said, disappointed. “In other words, not you.”
“I just thought that if I wasn’t here, or whatever...”
David pulled his hand back into his lap. His fingers played with the leather strap John had put on his wrist.
“I mean, David,” John continued, “that if you meant you needed scene play when you said you needed me, there are other ways of finding it.”
David got up and went into the kitchen, leaving John on the sofa alone. He turned on the tap like he was getting a drink but just stood there gripping the edge of the sink, white knuckled. He was not going to cry. His life was fine before and it would be just fine again. He closed his eyes. It was obvious that John was not serious about what happened and was just trying to finish things off between them. He took in several slow, deep breaths that were a lot more ragged than he’d hoped for.
He raised his head when he felt the sudden warmth of John’s hand splayed on his back between his shoulders. When he opened his eyes, the tears poured out silently.
“I’m sorry, John,” he said. “I think you should leave.”
“Fuck, I’m sorry. I’m terrible at these things.”
“It’s okay, really. I shouldn’t have called.”
“David, will you stop?”
“No.” David looked angrily at John. “Please leave.”
“I want you too, David,” he blurted out. “I missed you, too.”
David quirked his left eyebrow. “What do you mean?”
John sighed, his shoulders dropping. “What I mean is, it’s different with you. It’s different and I got scared and I ran away.”
“John, I don’t just want the things that we do,” David said, stepping closer to John. “Not with someone else. And I don’t know what to do with feeling that way.”
“I know what I want to do,” John said. “I want to stop running.” He slid his arms around David’s waist. “I want you to belong to me, David. Not just for a night here or there. I want to own you, complete with everything that goes with that.”
“But what about...”
John put his finger to David’s lips. “I know. There’s a lot to work out. Our lives aren’t simple. Mine is down-right complicated. I still love my family. And my kids? They’re my life. But I want to work something out. I’m not willing to give you up.”
David leaned his head down and rested his forehead on John’s. “Then we’ll figure something out because I need you, John. I need to be yours.”
John reached out and his hand encircled David’s wrist, tightly. “You are.” He leaned up and kissed David’s lips. “I want to sleep with you tonight. We have the whole weekend ahead and then some. I just want to hold you right now and feel you sleeping next to me.”
“That sounds perfect,” David said, and he let John lead him to his bedroom.