in response to ashlie's amazing entry about myself.
if you're gonna talk shit and be immature.
you better be ready to face it.
YOU brought this upon YOURSELF.
n there's nothing i can do about that.
i'm sorry that it has to be this way.
i don't want there to be n e drama between us.
here goes...
a. i didn't chose a guy over our friendship. i told you that i liked him because you asked me. and i told you that he liked me. the reason i didn't just come out n tell you was becuz JUST THE NIGHT BEFORE was when we talked about it. i didn't know how to tell you yet. what i was supposed to say. you didn't even give me time to think about shit n think about what i wanted to do n how i wanted to handle the situation.
b. best friends? ...don't try n sit there n say how much of a friend you were to me n that i'm such a horrible person n blah blah blah. YOU were the one who treated him like shit. so YOU did the whole breaking up thing to yourself. n i know YOU talked shit about me behind my back. cuz i heard from people. but i alwayz just blew it off cuz i know that's how you are. when you get mad you talk shit. n i know you're gonna say ok whatever you don't know what you're talking about. so let me give you an example. "nicole just cleans your house cuz she wants attention" that's bullshit n it should've never been said. but i didn't say one thing about it cuz i know you get jealous of me for no fuckin reason. YOU are a beautiful person. YOU are a great friend. but there are things that you need to work on before you can start critisizing other pepole.
c. hurting my best friend wouldn't stand in my way? ...hmm WRONG. why do you think i just didn't come out n tell you right when we talked about how we felt. cuz i had to think about what to say and how to say it the right way. i guess there's no real right way to say that i'm freakin in love with your ex boyfriend. but there's nothing i can do about it. that's how i feel n i can't help it. every reason that i liked marvin...mark has...but more, and better, and all around he's perfect for me. it's like YOU said, me n him have so much in common.
d. i caused your break up? when you were going out with marvin...i didn't hang out with him behind your back. we weren't even friends then, if you don't remember. he's the one that lied to you n tried to make it seem like he wasn't hanging out with me. i could've really gave a fuck less if you knew i was hanging out with him. becuz just like my boyfriend isn't going to tell me who i can n can't hang out with, my best friend isn't going to dictate that either.
e. you hate for me to hang out with your boyfriends. well let's see. with the marvin thing, i told you that i liked him n then YOU went off n had sex with him at my party. so yeah weird how you wanna blame me for hanging out with him n ruining your relationship but you knew that me n him were gonna hang out n e wayz cuz i liked him. n it's also extremely weird that you THANK ME for being with marvin cuz you sit there n say how you couldn't have stayed with him n put up with his shit. n you could never look at him like that again cuz you guys would've never worked out. n about me hanging out with mark...if i recall right, he was marvin's friend...who i met...and they invited me to come over all the time but i never did. and i hung out with him before you did. n I'M the one who called YOU on new years to come over n meet him. n yeah i thought you should talk to him cuz what could be better than your best friend going out with your boyfriend's homie. but that doesn't mean i can't hang out with him. n i'm sorry that you work n go to skool n don't get to hang out with him as much as i did. but there's nothing you can do it about it so you might as well get over that shit.
f. you think i did this on purpose. ok well let's see how much sense that makes...NONE. how the hell did i know that i was gonna fall for mark while i was still with marvin n you were still with him. no one knows that shit. it just happens. marvin treated me like shit n you treated him like shit so i think you n marvin did this to yourself. oh n by the way...i live with myself just fine everyday...well not by myself...
g. chicks over dicks. HMMMMMM how were you treating me the last few days that you n mark were together. you didn't want n e thing to do with me cuz you were jealous. so you just alwayz wanted to be with mark instead of me...yourbest friend...your "chick". right?!?! weird how you can apply that to me but not to yourself.
so there it is. i know you're going to find something wrong with everything i said. but it's ok cuz i'm already expecting it. the truth is ashlie, i don't really get you. you sit there n put yourself down all the time. you say how you're fat or ugly or whatever. n you alwayz tell me how beautiful i am n how great i am n blah blah blah. but you can't see that in yourself. IT'S THERE. WHY DON'T YOU SEE IT? mark didn't break up with you becuz he thought n e of those things about you. you guys aren't together becuz that's just how things worked out. people can't help how they feel about eachother. when there's an attraction between two people...even if it shouldn't be there...n it just keeps getting stronger...you can't ignore it. there really is no way out of it.
just get over all of this. yeah it's fucked up. but there's nothing n e one can do about it. you can't change the way we feel n e more than we can. if you want to continue to hate me, then go ahead. that's your decision. but don't talk shit about me. don't bring me into n e drama. just hate me n leave me out of your thoughts n words. i'm too old for this bullshit. i feel like i'm back at sand creek again. n that's the reason i left. cuz i hate dealing with people's bullshit. so once again, i'm sorry. but just let it all go. you'll meet someone. n you'll be happy. n you'll make them happy. it just takes time.
nykole.
you better be ready to face it.
YOU brought this upon YOURSELF.
n there's nothing i can do about that.
i'm sorry that it has to be this way.
i don't want there to be n e drama between us.
here goes...
a. i didn't chose a guy over our friendship. i told you that i liked him because you asked me. and i told you that he liked me. the reason i didn't just come out n tell you was becuz JUST THE NIGHT BEFORE was when we talked about it. i didn't know how to tell you yet. what i was supposed to say. you didn't even give me time to think about shit n think about what i wanted to do n how i wanted to handle the situation.
b. best friends? ...don't try n sit there n say how much of a friend you were to me n that i'm such a horrible person n blah blah blah. YOU were the one who treated him like shit. so YOU did the whole breaking up thing to yourself. n i know YOU talked shit about me behind my back. cuz i heard from people. but i alwayz just blew it off cuz i know that's how you are. when you get mad you talk shit. n i know you're gonna say ok whatever you don't know what you're talking about. so let me give you an example. "nicole just cleans your house cuz she wants attention" that's bullshit n it should've never been said. but i didn't say one thing about it cuz i know you get jealous of me for no fuckin reason. YOU are a beautiful person. YOU are a great friend. but there are things that you need to work on before you can start critisizing other pepole.
c. hurting my best friend wouldn't stand in my way? ...hmm WRONG. why do you think i just didn't come out n tell you right when we talked about how we felt. cuz i had to think about what to say and how to say it the right way. i guess there's no real right way to say that i'm freakin in love with your ex boyfriend. but there's nothing i can do about it. that's how i feel n i can't help it. every reason that i liked marvin...mark has...but more, and better, and all around he's perfect for me. it's like YOU said, me n him have so much in common.
d. i caused your break up? when you were going out with marvin...i didn't hang out with him behind your back. we weren't even friends then, if you don't remember. he's the one that lied to you n tried to make it seem like he wasn't hanging out with me. i could've really gave a fuck less if you knew i was hanging out with him. becuz just like my boyfriend isn't going to tell me who i can n can't hang out with, my best friend isn't going to dictate that either.
e. you hate for me to hang out with your boyfriends. well let's see. with the marvin thing, i told you that i liked him n then YOU went off n had sex with him at my party. so yeah weird how you wanna blame me for hanging out with him n ruining your relationship but you knew that me n him were gonna hang out n e wayz cuz i liked him. n it's also extremely weird that you THANK ME for being with marvin cuz you sit there n say how you couldn't have stayed with him n put up with his shit. n you could never look at him like that again cuz you guys would've never worked out. n about me hanging out with mark...if i recall right, he was marvin's friend...who i met...and they invited me to come over all the time but i never did. and i hung out with him before you did. n I'M the one who called YOU on new years to come over n meet him. n yeah i thought you should talk to him cuz what could be better than your best friend going out with your boyfriend's homie. but that doesn't mean i can't hang out with him. n i'm sorry that you work n go to skool n don't get to hang out with him as much as i did. but there's nothing you can do it about it so you might as well get over that shit.
f. you think i did this on purpose. ok well let's see how much sense that makes...NONE. how the hell did i know that i was gonna fall for mark while i was still with marvin n you were still with him. no one knows that shit. it just happens. marvin treated me like shit n you treated him like shit so i think you n marvin did this to yourself. oh n by the way...i live with myself just fine everyday...well not by myself...
g. chicks over dicks. HMMMMMM how were you treating me the last few days that you n mark were together. you didn't want n e thing to do with me cuz you were jealous. so you just alwayz wanted to be with mark instead of me...yourbest friend...your "chick". right?!?! weird how you can apply that to me but not to yourself.
so there it is. i know you're going to find something wrong with everything i said. but it's ok cuz i'm already expecting it. the truth is ashlie, i don't really get you. you sit there n put yourself down all the time. you say how you're fat or ugly or whatever. n you alwayz tell me how beautiful i am n how great i am n blah blah blah. but you can't see that in yourself. IT'S THERE. WHY DON'T YOU SEE IT? mark didn't break up with you becuz he thought n e of those things about you. you guys aren't together becuz that's just how things worked out. people can't help how they feel about eachother. when there's an attraction between two people...even if it shouldn't be there...n it just keeps getting stronger...you can't ignore it. there really is no way out of it.
just get over all of this. yeah it's fucked up. but there's nothing n e one can do about it. you can't change the way we feel n e more than we can. if you want to continue to hate me, then go ahead. that's your decision. but don't talk shit about me. don't bring me into n e drama. just hate me n leave me out of your thoughts n words. i'm too old for this bullshit. i feel like i'm back at sand creek again. n that's the reason i left. cuz i hate dealing with people's bullshit. so once again, i'm sorry. but just let it all go. you'll meet someone. n you'll be happy. n you'll make them happy. it just takes time.
nykole.