(no subject)
Coming home from Seattle was depressing. I figured out the reason why it's been so hard finding an apartment, it isn't that there isn't anything good available, it's that I don't want to live here. I'm sick of living around a mentality that doesn't resemble anything I want to believe in or strive for. Salt lake is wearing on me. This is a lonely place with fake people.
I miss being around more culture and diversity. I miss the big city. I miss living in a place with a lot of single people and gay people and people that believe in different things. I miss feeling alive. I'm bored walking down the same streets with the same people. I continually shock people and my lifestyle isn't nearly as alternative as it could be. This place is suffocating me.
I've watched the majority of my friends graduate and move in the past 2 years. In some ways I am jealous, in other ways I am just watching all the pieces of my life scatter across the country. Particles of myself diverging and landing in other cities, building new families and new lives. I miss my friends. I am on and off the airplane and always landing in the same place.
My counselor tells me to finish my psychology degree and get the hell out of here. Don't look back. But that just means I go to graduate school in psychology... and that takes up all my time and I get my PHD and then wonder what I could have done different. I don't need an art degree to be an artist but I can't just give up on what makes me feel real. I don't want to be saying in 10 years "I could have done great things." I just want to do great things. I don't want to live a trivial life with trivial things distracting me from what's real and honest.
If I had only gotten my exchange papers done 3 months ago....
At least this year I have a chance at getting them done early and my options are endless. One more year here.