The story of Charlie
I woke up sad this morning, and I am having trouble shaking it. No appointment with Sue this week, either.
I was in the middle of a dream, one I've had many times. I went by a University (one of those things you make up in your dreams with elements of a bunch of different places -- mine has Iowa, St. Cloud, and more), went into a dorm, and everyone was packing up to leave, finals were almost over. I searched and searched... finally someone asked me who I was looking for, and I said Charlie. First time I've come up with the name!
Well, that actually happened. Charlie was one of the great loves of my life -- during the period when my mom and I were estranged. I met him early on in my first semester at the U of I. Later, I dropped out -- just not mature enough to handle it all -- and went and lived with my dad. At that time, Charlie and I were not yet exclusive. In December, social services wanted to see me (I was only 17, and I guess still a ward of the court). Dad bought me a round trip bus ticket. I went to the hearing or appointment or whatever. They ok'ed my living in Omaha. Then I went to the dorm. Very few of the people I knew were still there. But Curt was (I just now remembered his name!). And I had dated him. Dated quite a few guys that semester, actually. [and sometimes I think I would have been better off with him -- I think he genuinely loved me -- but then, my life would have been different, maybe I would have never met Marty, not have the kids I do, not have my wonderful grandchild and another on the way ]
Curtis Jarvis! Isn't it funny how memory works?! Just got the last name.
We cashed in part of my bus ticket, I helped him pack up, and I went with him in his car towards Des Moines. Stayed overnight in a hotel. Next day, got to his house. Saying goodby turned into making love in the basement. Then he took me to the bus depot.
Over that winter break, Charlie and I decided to be exclusive. I did tell him about Curt, and Charlie already knew I dated him.
[but why wasn't Charlie there waiting for me if he really cared about me?]
The timelines get fuzzy -- but at sometime I went back to Iowa City, and lived with Charlie and his older sister Lisa. I thought we were happy. Then his parents visited. We told them that I was just visiting from Omaha. They took us out to eat, later came back and took Charlie away to talk to him about me. They hated me, thought I was lower class, and could never be an appropriate wife for Charlie. Apparently, stacking plates for a waiter to take away is really gauche. And, those guys from Des Moines (actually a suburb) all knew each other, and all of their parents knew each other. Curt's dad had told Charlie's dad about the time he had a girl in the basement. And, they weren't dumb, and had figured out that I wasn't really just visiting.
Even though Charlie firmly believed I could be the proper society wife, and even though he knew about Curt and that was like ancient history, our relationship was never the same.
I had to move out. God, I don't know how I did it. I had, like, nothing. Rented a room... but, like I said, the timelines are fuzzy, and I can't remember which one it was. Just a couple of blocks down from Charlie. I remember nights walking home, alone, in the dark.
We never had a clean break, just kind of fizzled slowly...
There followed a series of short term failed relationships. Finally, to make a break from the men and the booze and the drugs, I moved up here, but also to try and make a go with Jamie (!), a guy I had been with off and on since Charlie. Well, that didn't work, either. and so, not really believing in much of anything, I ended up with David.
Charlie really, really broke my heart. Affirmed what little I knew -- men abandoned me, maybe because I wasn't good enough.
Aww, shit... that's it... well, how about that, I was brave enough to work it out on my own. [altho this one might take some more work, could be bigger than I can do on my own]
NOT just GD Rusty. NOT just my "real" father. NOT just Sgt. Rick Lloyd (who, in order to abandon me, went so far as to die in my bed in my room -- how's that for making my own private space not safe?).
[hmm, although I know Marty is not really part of any of this pattern -- when he "corrects" me, it's like he's saying I'm not good enough]
Well, enough of that for awhile. Thanks for listening
I was in the middle of a dream, one I've had many times. I went by a University (one of those things you make up in your dreams with elements of a bunch of different places -- mine has Iowa, St. Cloud, and more), went into a dorm, and everyone was packing up to leave, finals were almost over. I searched and searched... finally someone asked me who I was looking for, and I said Charlie. First time I've come up with the name!
Well, that actually happened. Charlie was one of the great loves of my life -- during the period when my mom and I were estranged. I met him early on in my first semester at the U of I. Later, I dropped out -- just not mature enough to handle it all -- and went and lived with my dad. At that time, Charlie and I were not yet exclusive. In December, social services wanted to see me (I was only 17, and I guess still a ward of the court). Dad bought me a round trip bus ticket. I went to the hearing or appointment or whatever. They ok'ed my living in Omaha. Then I went to the dorm. Very few of the people I knew were still there. But Curt was (I just now remembered his name!). And I had dated him. Dated quite a few guys that semester, actually. [and sometimes I think I would have been better off with him -- I think he genuinely loved me -- but then, my life would have been different, maybe I would have never met Marty, not have the kids I do, not have my wonderful grandchild and another on the way ]
Curtis Jarvis! Isn't it funny how memory works?! Just got the last name.
We cashed in part of my bus ticket, I helped him pack up, and I went with him in his car towards Des Moines. Stayed overnight in a hotel. Next day, got to his house. Saying goodby turned into making love in the basement. Then he took me to the bus depot.
Over that winter break, Charlie and I decided to be exclusive. I did tell him about Curt, and Charlie already knew I dated him.
[but why wasn't Charlie there waiting for me if he really cared about me?]
The timelines get fuzzy -- but at sometime I went back to Iowa City, and lived with Charlie and his older sister Lisa. I thought we were happy. Then his parents visited. We told them that I was just visiting from Omaha. They took us out to eat, later came back and took Charlie away to talk to him about me. They hated me, thought I was lower class, and could never be an appropriate wife for Charlie. Apparently, stacking plates for a waiter to take away is really gauche. And, those guys from Des Moines (actually a suburb) all knew each other, and all of their parents knew each other. Curt's dad had told Charlie's dad about the time he had a girl in the basement. And, they weren't dumb, and had figured out that I wasn't really just visiting.
Even though Charlie firmly believed I could be the proper society wife, and even though he knew about Curt and that was like ancient history, our relationship was never the same.
I had to move out. God, I don't know how I did it. I had, like, nothing. Rented a room... but, like I said, the timelines are fuzzy, and I can't remember which one it was. Just a couple of blocks down from Charlie. I remember nights walking home, alone, in the dark.
We never had a clean break, just kind of fizzled slowly...
There followed a series of short term failed relationships. Finally, to make a break from the men and the booze and the drugs, I moved up here, but also to try and make a go with Jamie (!), a guy I had been with off and on since Charlie. Well, that didn't work, either. and so, not really believing in much of anything, I ended up with David.
Charlie really, really broke my heart. Affirmed what little I knew -- men abandoned me, maybe because I wasn't good enough.
Aww, shit... that's it... well, how about that, I was brave enough to work it out on my own. [altho this one might take some more work, could be bigger than I can do on my own]
NOT just GD Rusty. NOT just my "real" father. NOT just Sgt. Rick Lloyd (who, in order to abandon me, went so far as to die in my bed in my room -- how's that for making my own private space not safe?).
[hmm, although I know Marty is not really part of any of this pattern -- when he "corrects" me, it's like he's saying I'm not good enough]
Well, enough of that for awhile. Thanks for listening