(no subject)
I just watched this week's Veronica Mars since CW switched nights because of that Clippers game on Tuesday. You know you're obsessed with a show when you have to constantly remind yourself that the characters aren't real. I feel that with every episode, I end up having an emotional aneurysm. I physically feel my heart twist in knots and I have trouble breathing. Especially if my favorite couple is in jeopardy. When shit hits the fan in Neptune, I completely forget that it's still all fictional. I don't know whether I should feel disturbed or shrug it off. Yeah, I'm completely obsessed with this show. I could live, breathe and eat VM 24/7. I could completely dissolve any sense of reality and fall into this fictious-comatose state of being where only VM-related issues matter. Yeah, I guess I should be disturbed.
Moving on.. I want to go on the record to say, I have issues with physical affection/intimacy. I am generalizing this to include all sorts of relationships - familial, platonic, romantic, etc. I enjoy expressing a certain level of it but I've been noticing in the past year that I have boundaries with what I can share of myself. I haven't figured out where this has all come from but it's kind of frustrating because I feel that I am sometimes paralyzed by whatever this anxiety/fear is. But I also know that if/when I do share, whether it be just a hug, pat on the back, holding someone's hand, I know I really mean it. It's funny how disposable emotional intimacy may seem for me (since I seem to be able to do it so casually on a blog) but I want to be cautious with my body. Does it come from insecurities? Fear of inadequacy? Trust? I don't know; I can't pinpoint the root. I just know, officially, I have issues. If you're curious as to why I bring this up, it's because I had an interesting day with a friend. And so I learned some more things about myself.