(no subject)
I am wrestling with my own heart right now and so, I can't sleep. These past two days have been awkward and a complete distraction from everything else going on. And I know that I won't be able to move forward until things are resolved. For the most part, I know who I am. As both my strength and weakness, I am all heart. My heart guides my decisions and my heart leads me to my mistakes. Without my heart, I would not care for the world as much as I do. Without my heart, I probably would not care much at all. So, I have these emotions and I have these passions. It is just me, you know? But I also know that if something starts to physically weigh on me, I need to do something about it. I am also beginning to develop wisdom but the path is very long and windy and I am still somewhere in between adolescence and adulthood. But my heart has been through a lot and I definitely have my walls.
I have been asking, what do I really want? Why have so many bridges been burned? And, what kind of person do I want to be?
Well, as far as guys are concerned, I want someone who will respect me and love my quirks. I want someone who is intentional and decisive. I want someone who will want to protect me even though they know they don't have to. Essentially, I want to find my best friend and spend the rest of my life with him. I want him to love what I love to do, even though he doesn't have to do the same things. Bridges have been burned becos I kept getting into situations that were not edifying or genuine. Maybe becos this has become such a desire of mine that I wanted to find all these things in that person or another person but things never worked out. I would give a piece of my heart to them, hoping they would return it with their's and instead, I ended up having to cut ties or experience fall-outs. This has been happening to me since I was 15. For all the "connections" that I interpreted as something real and meaningful, I was either wrong or ended up getting a lot of immaturity.
For those reasons, I am really tired of games and miscommunication. I don't need anymore flukes or flirtation becos it is never harmless. What people say to me, about me, actually affects me. Imagine that, right? I want to develop healthy, platonic relationships with the opposite sex. I don't want to fear every male peer in my life, thinking they are only out to hurt me. What kind of community is that? But at the same time, I am terrified of 1) rejection and 2) losing. I try to convince myself that to risk yourself with vulnerability (yet, again) would be too dangerous and detrimental.
I don't know what I mean to say anymore. What you say, in jest or not, does matter to me. As much as I try to be brave and laugh along with my own comments, on the inside, I'm begging you to be serious and real with me. All jokes are at least half true, right?
I am confronting my fear you.