(no subject)
I haven't posted here for a long time so I guess I should update a bit. I quit my job in November and it was a good decision. The better would be not to start it at all although I can't deny earning some money was nice. But no money cost a mental health, and for a nightmare I've lived I've earned very little. I'm not concerned about money, everybody needs them but I took a wrong turn and only now I can see damage I've done to myself. I don't want to sound pathetic, it's just:
- I have social phobia (social anxiety disorder)
- I have panic attacks which get worse with years
- I think I'm prone to depression
I guess I needed another proof that I had all these symptoms and couldn't really live like a normal human being so I went to work in the office. Or maybe I was trying to overcome my fears and fight them. Maybe it's a bit of both and also the fact that I feel lost about life and sometimes just don't know what to do. After I quit the job I felt a relief but even after all this time I feel a bit shaky. I was way more active with Photoshop and other things I did before but now I'm just like feeling lazy. I often think "I'll do that later" and forget about it for a long time. But it's not really a lazyness, I feel lost and repressed inside and I get angry very easily. Partially, the reason of this lies in my relationships with my mother, but with two things combined sometimes it gets hard. At the same time on a rare bright ocassions when my mind isn't clouded with dark thoughts, I know what I actually want from life, things I watch to change or achieve. But then I return to my cave 'waiting for the right moment'. Back then at work I proved myself I was stronger than I thought but it was pointless test nonetheless. I should've been more thoughtful not to trigger another nightmare (office jobs, they are awful!) but to try something that fits me better. Always do the things you want to do, never force yourself into any trouble. Because in the end it's not worth it.
I don't have any counselor or doctor that would help me out. I don't see a point in one at the moment even when sometimes I use trial and error method in life. But so far I've discovered a lot of things myself and I really wanna change some things in me and my life. I have to do it carefully though because rushing may hurt a lot.
So this is how it goes for the moment. I'm trying to get myself out of this uncreative period by forcing myself doing some activity. It was nice to shoot a handball match, play Heavy Rain and listen to Jeffree Star. I don't really share all this fan frenzy over the guy but I find him charismatic and I like his voice. Also he looks damaged as well, not a surprise normal people don't look like that. And I tend to like people like that. Oh, Boy George is comin' in da town this summer. A coincidence? There IS God in Heaven. Thank you, God! :D
- I have social phobia (social anxiety disorder)
- I have panic attacks which get worse with years
- I think I'm prone to depression
I guess I needed another proof that I had all these symptoms and couldn't really live like a normal human being so I went to work in the office. Or maybe I was trying to overcome my fears and fight them. Maybe it's a bit of both and also the fact that I feel lost about life and sometimes just don't know what to do. After I quit the job I felt a relief but even after all this time I feel a bit shaky. I was way more active with Photoshop and other things I did before but now I'm just like feeling lazy. I often think "I'll do that later" and forget about it for a long time. But it's not really a lazyness, I feel lost and repressed inside and I get angry very easily. Partially, the reason of this lies in my relationships with my mother, but with two things combined sometimes it gets hard. At the same time on a rare bright ocassions when my mind isn't clouded with dark thoughts, I know what I actually want from life, things I watch to change or achieve. But then I return to my cave 'waiting for the right moment'. Back then at work I proved myself I was stronger than I thought but it was pointless test nonetheless. I should've been more thoughtful not to trigger another nightmare (office jobs, they are awful!) but to try something that fits me better. Always do the things you want to do, never force yourself into any trouble. Because in the end it's not worth it.
I don't have any counselor or doctor that would help me out. I don't see a point in one at the moment even when sometimes I use trial and error method in life. But so far I've discovered a lot of things myself and I really wanna change some things in me and my life. I have to do it carefully though because rushing may hurt a lot.
So this is how it goes for the moment. I'm trying to get myself out of this uncreative period by forcing myself doing some activity. It was nice to shoot a handball match, play Heavy Rain and listen to Jeffree Star. I don't really share all this fan frenzy over the guy but I find him charismatic and I like his voice. Also he looks damaged as well, not a surprise normal people don't look like that. And I tend to like people like that. Oh, Boy George is comin' in da town this summer. A coincidence? There IS God in Heaven. Thank you, God! :D