the universe, and the complications it brings us
The Universe, and the Complications It Brings Us | Jongkey | R | Angst, Romance, AU | WARNINGS: Character death | Word Count: 3,190 | The lives of two identical couples existing in separate realities. | A/N: When reading this, remember that every page break indicates a switch between "realities." This may be confusing at first, but it will be easier to distinguish as the story progresses.
I'm not going to lie, I'm ridiculously proud of this story. I became kind of emotional when I was writing it :P ENJOY!
At two opposite ends of existence, there exist four boys; two pairs of humans that appear to be carbon copies of each other. In perfect circumstances, their lives would have turned out exactly the same. Unfortunately, we all know that perfect circumstances don’t exist.
_
They become official the day SHINee disbands.
It feels bittersweet, to say the least.
They sit together in the back of a cab holding hands, both too nervous to say anything. The duration of the ride is spent looking out of the window, watching as buildings flit by them. When the cab finally stops, Jonghyun is the first one to talk.
“So…what now?”
Kibum doesn’t have an answer.
_
They meet at the park. Jonghyun is only 14, but he knows exactly what the feeling he gets in his chest indicates when he sees the boy at the fountain. His feet move towards him on their own accord, almost as if the universe is willing them to meet.
Its two hours later, and Kibum and Jonghyun are sharing some tteokbokki while the sun sets behind them.
“We’re only going to be in Daegu for a week. It’s for my dad’s work,” Jonghyun tells the boy.
Kibum feels sad, but he’s not sure why. “We should exchange emails or something,” he suggests shyly.
Jonghyun smiles while nodding his head. “Okay.”
When the older boy finally leaves, Kibum can’t help but feel as if he’s just lost something very important to him.
_
It’s moving day. Taemin and Onew help carry in boxes while Jonghyun and Kibum make finalizations with the landlord. The second he leaves, they turn towards each other, faces bright as they kiss for the first time in their new home.
Minho joins them later, and the five of them have a quiet apartment-warming party. Taemin, having just turned of age, drinks too much soju and spends the whole night doing impressions of his former band mates. A crowd favorite is when he stoops down a few inches before belting out Jonghyun’s lines from their last single. His entertainment comes to an end when he falls over the back of the couch.
They don’t reminisce about the old times. Not yet. It’s too early for that. They need to experience the world on their own first.
_
The emails only lasted for a year or so. They both got too involved in school, and any free time was spent hanging out with the friends that were actually accessible.
Every couple of months, Kibum would be sitting in front of his computer, hands hovering over the keys as he debated whether or not to send his old friend a message. He always decided against it, assuming that Jonghyun probably didn’t want to talk to him anyway.
Jonghyun spends many of his sleepless nights thinking about the day they met, about how easily they had gotten along right from the start. A part of him aches for that kind of friendship again.
Their time had come and gone. Friendships couldn’t last forever, and it was time they moved on.
_
Jonghyun’s breath is hot on his collarbone. Plush lips travel up the side of his neck, stopping underneath his ear.
“Kibum,” the older boy whispers, “what do you want to do tonight?”
Kibum looks down at the job applications strewn across the table with a frown. “I should probably finish some of these…”
“Do you know what I want to do?” Jonghyun interrupts, pulling his face back to stare into the younger boys eyes.
Kibum’s stress dissipates as he looks at his partner. He collects the applications and sets them aside, coming back to sit in Jonghyun’s lap.
“Hm…me?” he responds, ducking down to press their lips together.
“Correct.” Jonghyun purrs, flipping Kibum over gently onto the table. He crawls over him, pausing slightly to brush the younger boy’s hair out of his eyes before reaching down for his zipper.
Later that night, they take a walk around downtown Seoul together. The city lights wink down at them, fueling their good moods.
It’s a perfect night. Kibum feels as if his heart just might burst.
_
It’s as if the stars have aligned, Jonghyun thinks to himself, his eyes wide with shock.
Kibum looks at him curiously from across the lecture hall, his face morphing into surprise when he finally recognizes Jonghyun.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were coming to Yonsei University?” he asks excitedly after class. Students swarm past them, totally unaware of this unplanned reunion.
I didn’t even know if you still remembered me. “I…I don’t know,” Jonghyun stutters, his nerves on end. “I didn’t think of it…”
Kibum stares at him for a few seconds, his heart thumping in his chest. Without thinking twice, he embraces the older boy, crashing their chests tightly together. “This is unreal,” he laughs, his breath on Jonghyun’s neck causing the older boy to shudder. It’s as if no time has passed between them at all. Their friendship is a natural force that can’t be reckoned with.
Even though their schedules clash, they make time to see each other. In the library, in the cafeteria, late at night in their dorm rooms, wherever. Their days aren’t complete unless they see one another for at least a few minutes.
It isn’t until halfway through the term, when they’re separating ways after class and Jonghyun whispers into his ear, “I’m glad we found each other again,” that Kibum realizes this is the happiest he’s ever been in his life.
_
“I got the job.”
Jonghyun looks up from the television, his eyes unfocused and glassy. “What?”
“Editor. I got editor. Jonghyun, I got editor.” Kibum’s eyes are as wide as saucers, his breath coming in ragged breaths from running up the stairs to the apartment.
Jonghyun is off of the couch in a flash, rushing over and twirling around his partner by the arms. They laugh carelessly in the middle of their kitchen, spirits high.
It’s not until later that day when Kibum realizes he forgot something during their celebration. “Wasn’t there something you wanted to tell me? I got your message this morning.”
Jonghyun’s gaze falls to the floor. “Not really.”
“I can tell when you’re lying.” He tries to sound calm, but an annoying panicky feeling is creeping up through his stomach.
The apartment is completely silent for one, two, three, four beats. Jonghyun lets out a long sigh, his face falling in his hands, already expecting the worst.
He, too, had found a job.
In Japan.
“You want to leave Korea?”
Jonghyun focuses on anything but Kibum’s face. He can’t deal with it. Not now. “It’s an option.”
Again, silence. For much longer this time.
“What about me?”
Jonghyun can already feel the nervous tears making their way up. He didn’t want it to be like this. This isn’t how he planned it at all.
“I want you to…come with me. Of course…”
It’s as if their little apartment has been covered with a bubble. Nothing gets in, nothing gets out.
“Jonghyun, what if I don’t want to go? What then?”
The question is repeated over and over in Jonghyun’s head. His eyes are glued to the floor. Why did this have to happen now? Everything was going so fucking perfectly. He bites the inside of his mouth, and tastes blood on his tongue. “I don’t know.”
What then?
What then?
_
It’s the night before graduation. They’re both wide awake, talking softly in Jonghyun’s room. Their faces are cast in shadow from the pale moonlight streaming in through the window. Kibum runs a fingertip across Jonghyun’s naked chest, causing the older boy to shiver.
A quiet voice says, “You know, as much as we talk about wanting to get out of here, I’m actually really scared of graduating.”
Jonghyun stares at Kibum, shocked into silence. Kibum never talks like this. He never shows weakness.
“Do you know why?”
Jonghyun shakes his head slowly.
“We won’t see each other every day anymore. Couples like us aren’t cut out for the real world. It’ll tear us apart. It’s like that with everything, isn’t it?” He trails the same finger down Jonghyun’s torso, over his stomach and around his belly button. Slowly, Slowly. “You find happiness, and it’s taken away from you before you can fully enjoy it. The universe is mad at us for finding something so perfect. It has to get its revenge.”
A sigh slips from Jonghyun’s mouth, and he looks down at Kibum’s expectant eyes with a sad smile. “Why do you say things like that? We already beat the universe once, remember? We can do it again.”
Kibum smirks, but his eyes look doubtful. ‘We’ll see.”
_
No matter how hard he tries to suppress it, the bitter feeling won’t go away.
Every time Jonghyun gets home from work, every time they go out to eat, every time they get together with their new friends, Kibum feels the angry part of him clawing its way through his chest. Jonghyun tries his best to make him happy, he can tell, but it’s not enough. He thought it would go away after a while, but it’s a permanent part of him now.
They’ve just finished making love, and Kibum takes this as perfect opportunity to share his idea with Jonghyun.
“We should take a vacation.”
Jonghyun waits for his breathing to return to normal before asking, “Where?”
“Jeju island.”
“We can’t afford a plane ticket now. Maybe in a few months.”
Even though he knows it’s immature, even though he knows he’ll regret it soon, even though he hates making Jonghyun upset, and even though he knows the other boy has a point, he explodes.
“Bullshit. You just don’t want to go back, do you? You’ve made up your mind, haven’t you?” The angry part of him finally reaches the surface, rips through his chest and crashes through the room, egging him on. “I can’t believe how selfish you are sometimes. I’ve done everything you wanted. Everything.”
Jonghyun, finally realizing the gravity of the situation, reaches out to grab Kibum by the shoulders and stares hard into his eyes. “I know. I know you have. I’m sorry; there are some things that are out of my control. As soon as we save up enough money we can…”
Kibum wriggles out of his grasp. “You’re lying. You’re such an asshole…I sacrificed so much for us to work, and you haven’t done anything. I left all of my friends for you, I quit my job for you, I moved countries for you-“
Jonghyun’s body slumps forward in defeat. He sits down on the bed and stares at the floor, willing this moment to pass, willing time to rewind. This isn’t what he wanted. He thought they would be happy. He tried his best. He always tried his best. How did he manage to fuck everything up?
Kibum scoffs before walking towards the door.
“Key, please wait.”
His body freezes at the mention of his old nickname. He’s overwhelmed by memories of before; touring, concerts, sitting next to Jonghyun in the back of the van, their tiny shared dorm room, happiness. His chest aches.
“Don’t ever call me Key again.”
_
They find out a month after graduation.
They’re informed that it could be anywhere from six months to two years. It depends on the person.
“You’ve always been healthy. You’ll have a long time,” Jonghyun assures him.
They sit together on the crowded bus as it rumbles down the busy road. The rest of the passengers sit calmly, staring out of their respective windows. Kibum is angry at all of them; how they sit there acting like everything is fine. Everything is not fine.
He looks down at his watch. The second hand seems to move at the speed of light. His heart thumps against his chest, ticking below his skin like a bomb.
Jonghyun watches him out of the corner of his eyes. He grabs Kibum’s hand and clutches it tightly before bringing it up to his mouth and placing a kiss on his knuckles.
“I love you,” Kibum says quietly.
The bus lurches to a stop.
Neither of them cries. It’s too late to cry. The fear has already set in.
_
Moving back to Seoul was the best and worst decision he’s ever made in his life.
Most of the time, he’s happy. He’s glad to be back in South Korea, and he’s excited about finally starting the life he’s always wanted to live.
Other times, he feels a crippling loneliness without Jonghyun. After spending so much time with one person, life just doesn’t feel the same without them in it. Some nights, he sits up in his bed, staring at the dark wall while trying to forget. Forget about Jonghyun, forget about the past, forget about everything. When he gets in these moods, nothing makes him feel better. He’s an empty shell, taking up unnecessary space in the universe that’s fucked him over one too many times.
Taemin, who lives the closest to Kibum’s new apartment, visits him often. They talk about anything and everything but Jonghyun; which proves to be incredibally difficult, seeing as almost all of their memories together involve him in some way.
After almost a year has passed since his return, Kibum and Taemin find out that Onew and Minho will both be back in the area for a few weeks, and they all plan a big get-together.
Being around them is awkward at first. It’s always been the five of them, and Kibum feels the absence of Jonghyun stronger than ever as they all laugh around the dinner table. He suppresses it. It’s time to move on.
For real this time.
_
It’s been almost three years. The doctors can’t believe it, but Jonghyun can.
As they leave the hospital, the nurses don’t say that they’ll see them again soon. They smile at Jonghyun sadly and whisper him words of thanks.
For taking care of him, for being there. It helped.
He hasn’t fully grasped it yet. He probably never will.
“It’s funny,” Kibum says, his voice breathy and quiet on the ride home, “I feel so alive. I’ve never felt more alive in my life.”
Even though he’s talking nonsense, Jonghyun understands. “It’s really not funny at all.”
Kibum’s laugh turns into a cough. “You’re right, it isn’t. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize.”
Kibum turns to him, his sharp cheekbones casting a shadow over his pallid face. “Are you going to be okay?”
For the first time in a long time, Jonghyun breaks down. He pulls the car over and sobs into Kibum’s shoulder as the younger man runs a cold hand through his hair. “Shouldn’t I be asking you that?”
The hand running through Jonghyun’s hair stops. “What’s the point? We both know the answer.” He doesn’t sound mad. He sounds disappointed.
Jonghyun remembers their conversation all those years ago.
The universe is mad at us for finding something so perfect…
_
Taemin lets himself into the room.
“I have news,” he says happily.
Kibum looks up from his laptop and watches the younger boy with a curious expression. “What is it?”
“An old friend is in town.”
He hesitates for a second. Only a second. “Who?” He already knows the answer.
“Jonghyun. He wants to see you.”
Kibum closes he laptop and braces his hands on his knees. “How do you know?”
“Because he’s waiting outside of the apartment. I told him you’d be down in five minutes.”
“Fuck.”
Kibum feels like he’s in some sort of romantic comedy movie. Except it’s nothing like that at all, really. The answers aren’t obvious, and he has no clue what to say.
The company Jonghyun was working at went bankrupt. He had the option to stay in Japan and switch jobs, but he decided against it. He’s not sure why. It might be because of Kibum, it might not. Whether or not it is doesn’t matter. He knows Kibum won’t want anything to do with him. They’ve grown apart. It’s natural.
As is expected, the topic of their breakup is eventually brought up.
“I don’t know what else to tell you,” Kibum admits. They’re sitting outside of his apartment building, legs faced away from each other. “Our lives went in different directions. I wish it could have worked out differently, but it didn’t.”
Jonghyun nods even though his head feels as if it’s made out of lead. They’re silent for a few moments, both of them wanting and not wanting to discuss it further.
Without knowing why, Kibum feels hot tears filling up his eyes. Tears of regret, tears of uncertainty, tears of nostalgia. He hangs his head so Jonghyun can’t see. His chest aches.
“Maybe there’s an alternate reality out there where we’re happy together,” Jonghyun murmurs, mostly to himself. “Where everything worked out the way it should have. That would be nice, wouldn’t it?”
Kibum takes a deep breath. The tears have stopped pooling in his eyes. They hang precariously over his lashes, holding on for as long as they can before falling soundlessly to the pavement. “Yeah. That would be nice.”
_
They lay in bed together, holding hands. If they pretend hard enough, it almost feels like they’re back at university, staying awake into the early hours of the morning in Kibum’s dorm room.
Except it’s not like that at all, really.
Kibum’s fingers are thin. When he talks, it takes a while for him to finish what he’s saying. His breathing is shallow, the shallowest it’s ever been. Jonghyun clutches his skeletal frame tightly, thanking God that they chose to come back here instead of staying in the hospital.
Kibum stirs. “You know, I’ve been thinking.” He pauses for a few seconds, taking a weak breath of air into his lungs. “What if there was another me and another you somewhere out there, living in an alternate reality? One where I wasn’t dying. One where we could be together forever. That’s a nice thought, right?”
Jonghyun blinks at him, mulling this over in his head. “If there was a separate reality, do you think we would be lucky enough to find each other in it?”
“Of course I do.” For a second, Kibum sounds like his old self; confident, full of life.
All that needs to be said has been said. Jonghyun stays awake for as long as possible, but emotional fatigue finally takes over.
When he wakes up, Kibum is gone.
_
Do you want to go get some coffee?
Kibum stares down at his phone, reading the text over and over again. It scares him that his immediate reaction was excitement. He shouldn’t be happy about this.
He feels nauseous.
Maybe he was wrong about everything. Maybe their lives were meant to be spent together.
Sure. Meet me at my place.
Then again, maybe they’re just going to get a cup of coffee.
Kibum stuffs his phone into his back pocket, his head feeling surprisingly light. No matter what, he knows that the future is out his hands. It’s best to let fate play its course.