RANT!
I rewatched "Last of the Timelords" last night and
Well, I actually just have a hard time respecting either "The Sound of Drums" or "Last of the Time Lords" (I love "Utopia" to death, though) because they are so damn over-the-top, but I decided to pick apart LotTL specifically.
1.) Why the HELL wasn't Martha just incinerated by a Tochlafane? She's wandering around in the open, walking across continents and shit, plus she's #1 on The Master's Most Wanted...wouldn't it be logical to just zap her already? Yeah, yeah, she's wearing the TARDIS key. A great lot of help that did when they were hiding from the Master. I fucking love Martha to death, but come on. The Master should really keep her in check.
2.) Why does the Master (well, Russell T Davies) wait a year to kill everyone? "Ooh...decimate." I get it, but why not just annihilate right off the bat? Or conversely, the Master is a sick fuck, why didn't he wait longer and draw it out and make everyone suffer, and THINK they were safe and then send out MORE Tochlafane? A year is awfully short in the grand scheme of things, especially when you're a Time Lord, and an insane one, at that.
3.) Why does Tom Milligan refer to a year ago as "the good old days"? It was only a year ago, Jesus, you're not allowed to be reminicent yet. If I were Martha, I would've slapped him. Well, I suppose if I were Martha I would've gotten zapped by a Tochlafane...but then again, I suppose if you're witnessing humankind getting destroyed around you for 365 days in a row, anything pre-apocalypse would be "the good old days".
4.) The soundtrack outlives the actual occurances in the show. The music is fucking beautiful. The show hardly lives up at points. The only time it's really fitting is when Martha steps off the boat and we see her "for the first time in a year" and the violins are going crazy, and when the Master dies and Ten is all "AUGGHH!!! I LOVE YOU!!!" and the violins are going crazy.
5.) The "I Can't Decide" dance interlude. I do like this scene, but only because A.) I am a Simm fangirl, and B.) The Master is batshit crazy and would dance around like a psychopath. But in retrospect it's rather silly, and almost unnessecary. We all realize the Master is batshit, he...kinda just wiped the planet. And I think that would've had more of an effect if he just shoved Ten into the wall without musical accompaniment and laughed heartlessly.
6.) There is a recurring error in all stories with supervillians: They kill everyone and take over the world, but then they have no one left to rule over. It's lonely at the top. Especially when the only person that loves you is your wife assassin. He could always start up that Timelord Empire that he's so shamelessly plugged wait- WHAT TIMELORD EMPIRE?!? The Timelord Empire that's going to exist when you and Ten have millions of Time Lord babies that populate a burning Earth? *coughfanfictionhasarguedthistodeathcough*
7.) Why didn't Lucy shoot him sooner?! HE PUNCHED HER IN THE EYE, FOR CHRISTSAKE, AND MADE HER STARE INTO THE VORTEX AUUGGGHH!!! I was watching the unedited British version, and he totally suggests having a threesome with Lucy and his massage therapist. They definitely cut that here in America. Not that it suprises me that'd he'd do it though... In that same scene he throws the Doctor down the stairs- which they definitely did not edit out. All the children watching probably shit themselves in terror.
8.) Getting everyone to say "Doctor" as a collective effort. Keep in mind not everyone on Earth has been annihilated yet. There are still billions of people, and different time zones, and people who are mute, and mentally disabled, or forgetful, or sadistic and supporting the apocalypse...not everyone is all going to say "Doctor", and especially not all at one time. Just like Santa can't deliver all his presents in one night. NO. JUST NO. DEUS EX MACHINA.
9.) Why does the Master give a flip if The Doctor forgives him or not? Up until this trilogy, The Master was more of a menace than a threat, and the Doctor kinda just nonchalantly dismissed him as "my best enemy". So the Doctor forgives you...that wouldn't stop me from laser-screwdriving him into a puddle. The Doctor waits too long to say it too. After he's already saintly and indestructible. I would've said it when was old and shrively and then ran him over with my wheelchair. UNEXPECTED WHEELCHAIR ASSASSINATION!
10.) Jack. Assuming the Master devised ways to kill him over and over and over and over...one of those times I would've just played dead for a wee bit longer than normal, then popped up and killed him when his back was turned. UNEXPECTED JACK ASSASSINATION!!! (Did I mention I feel really bad for Jack? Aw. I love Jack.)
11.) Martha's family. They are obviously capable of planning secretive techiques...couldn't they all whomp the Master and the guards over the head with a Mop? UNEXPECTED MOP ASSASSINATION!!!
12.) The Master. He is a Time Lord. Time Lords are telepathic. Everyone on the Valiant fucking hates you, wouldn't you constantly be on alert for secretive techniques and, oh, say, your wife thinking about concealing a pistol and shooting you? WHOOPSYOUARESTUPIDBADGUY.
13.) "All the way from the Black Sea to the Bering Strait, there's a hundred thousand rockets" and that's just the Russian area. Where on Earth (literally) is the Master getting all this uranium or whatever. Paradox, perhaps?
14.) Did I mention I love Martha to death? But she'sTHICK! THICK THICKETY THICKFACE FROM THICKANIEA, AND SO'S HER DAD! First of all, when Milligan asks her if there's someone, she's like, "OH HAI I LUV TEH DOCTAK AND HE LUVS ME 2!!! ZOMG!!!1!!" WHYDOESSHENOTREALIZEBYNOWTHATHEDOESNOTLOVEHERROSEROSEROSEROSEROSE....!!!! HE. WALKS. ALL. OVER. HER. And. If anyone asked me to go out into Tochlafaneland and save the planet, I'd reply, "HA! Fuck you, buddy. Do it yourself."
15.) Ten loves the Master way more than he will ever love Rose. I say this for shipping reasons. Mostly the "AUUUGGGGHHHHH REGENERATE GODFUCKINGDAMNINTDON'T LEAVE ME AUGH!!!" It has nothing to do with him having false hope that he is not the last of his kind and then watching that hope die in his arms. Nothing to do with that.
They are gay. End of story.
Well, actually, the Master isn't. He's just like "I would rather die than live wih you. Hhahaha. *die*"
Ten is like, "I am going to chain you up in my TARDIS and play with you and huggle you and cuddle with you and stare at you and pet you and feed you and dress you up and hold you and keep you forever and ever and ever and ever!!!!!!!"
16.) Ten is not even like, "Thank you MARTHA for saving my life/the universe." He's all, "Oh hai you are silly human wimmin plz be getting off of my TARDIS now kthxbye."
Fucking bastard.
Well, I actually just have a hard time respecting either "The Sound of Drums" or "Last of the Time Lords" (I love "Utopia" to death, though) because they are so damn over-the-top, but I decided to pick apart LotTL specifically.
1.) Why the HELL wasn't Martha just incinerated by a Tochlafane? She's wandering around in the open, walking across continents and shit, plus she's #1 on The Master's Most Wanted...wouldn't it be logical to just zap her already? Yeah, yeah, she's wearing the TARDIS key. A great lot of help that did when they were hiding from the Master. I fucking love Martha to death, but come on. The Master should really keep her in check.
2.) Why does the Master (well, Russell T Davies) wait a year to kill everyone? "Ooh...decimate." I get it, but why not just annihilate right off the bat? Or conversely, the Master is a sick fuck, why didn't he wait longer and draw it out and make everyone suffer, and THINK they were safe and then send out MORE Tochlafane? A year is awfully short in the grand scheme of things, especially when you're a Time Lord, and an insane one, at that.
3.) Why does Tom Milligan refer to a year ago as "the good old days"? It was only a year ago, Jesus, you're not allowed to be reminicent yet. If I were Martha, I would've slapped him. Well, I suppose if I were Martha I would've gotten zapped by a Tochlafane...but then again, I suppose if you're witnessing humankind getting destroyed around you for 365 days in a row, anything pre-apocalypse would be "the good old days".
4.) The soundtrack outlives the actual occurances in the show. The music is fucking beautiful. The show hardly lives up at points. The only time it's really fitting is when Martha steps off the boat and we see her "for the first time in a year" and the violins are going crazy, and when the Master dies and Ten is all "AUGGHH!!! I LOVE YOU!!!" and the violins are going crazy.
5.) The "I Can't Decide" dance interlude. I do like this scene, but only because A.) I am a Simm fangirl, and B.) The Master is batshit crazy and would dance around like a psychopath. But in retrospect it's rather silly, and almost unnessecary. We all realize the Master is batshit, he...kinda just wiped the planet. And I think that would've had more of an effect if he just shoved Ten into the wall without musical accompaniment and laughed heartlessly.
6.) There is a recurring error in all stories with supervillians: They kill everyone and take over the world, but then they have no one left to rule over. It's lonely at the top. Especially when the only person that loves you is your wife assassin. He could always start up that Timelord Empire that he's so shamelessly plugged wait- WHAT TIMELORD EMPIRE?!? The Timelord Empire that's going to exist when you and Ten have millions of Time Lord babies that populate a burning Earth? *coughfanfictionhasarguedthistodeathcough*
7.) Why didn't Lucy shoot him sooner?! HE PUNCHED HER IN THE EYE, FOR CHRISTSAKE, AND MADE HER STARE INTO THE VORTEX AUUGGGHH!!! I was watching the unedited British version, and he totally suggests having a threesome with Lucy and his massage therapist. They definitely cut that here in America. Not that it suprises me that'd he'd do it though... In that same scene he throws the Doctor down the stairs- which they definitely did not edit out. All the children watching probably shit themselves in terror.
8.) Getting everyone to say "Doctor" as a collective effort. Keep in mind not everyone on Earth has been annihilated yet. There are still billions of people, and different time zones, and people who are mute, and mentally disabled, or forgetful, or sadistic and supporting the apocalypse...not everyone is all going to say "Doctor", and especially not all at one time. Just like Santa can't deliver all his presents in one night. NO. JUST NO. DEUS EX MACHINA.
9.) Why does the Master give a flip if The Doctor forgives him or not? Up until this trilogy, The Master was more of a menace than a threat, and the Doctor kinda just nonchalantly dismissed him as "my best enemy". So the Doctor forgives you...that wouldn't stop me from laser-screwdriving him into a puddle. The Doctor waits too long to say it too. After he's already saintly and indestructible. I would've said it when was old and shrively and then ran him over with my wheelchair. UNEXPECTED WHEELCHAIR ASSASSINATION!
10.) Jack. Assuming the Master devised ways to kill him over and over and over and over...one of those times I would've just played dead for a wee bit longer than normal, then popped up and killed him when his back was turned. UNEXPECTED JACK ASSASSINATION!!! (Did I mention I feel really bad for Jack? Aw. I love Jack.)
11.) Martha's family. They are obviously capable of planning secretive techiques...couldn't they all whomp the Master and the guards over the head with a Mop? UNEXPECTED MOP ASSASSINATION!!!
12.) The Master. He is a Time Lord. Time Lords are telepathic. Everyone on the Valiant fucking hates you, wouldn't you constantly be on alert for secretive techniques and, oh, say, your wife thinking about concealing a pistol and shooting you? WHOOPSYOUARESTUPIDBADGUY.
13.) "All the way from the Black Sea to the Bering Strait, there's a hundred thousand rockets" and that's just the Russian area. Where on Earth (literally) is the Master getting all this uranium or whatever. Paradox, perhaps?
14.) Did I mention I love Martha to death? But she'sTHICK! THICK THICKETY THICKFACE FROM THICKANIEA, AND SO'S HER DAD! First of all, when Milligan asks her if there's someone, she's like, "OH HAI I LUV TEH DOCTAK AND HE LUVS ME 2!!! ZOMG!!!1!!" WHYDOESSHENOTREALIZEBYNOWTHATHEDOESNOTLOVEHERROSEROSEROSEROSEROSE....!!!! HE. WALKS. ALL. OVER. HER. And. If anyone asked me to go out into Tochlafaneland and save the planet, I'd reply, "HA! Fuck you, buddy. Do it yourself."
15.) Ten loves the Master way more than he will ever love Rose. I say this for shipping reasons. Mostly the "AUUUGGGGHHHHH REGENERATE GODFUCKINGDAMNINTDON'T LEAVE ME AUGH!!!" It has nothing to do with him having false hope that he is not the last of his kind and then watching that hope die in his arms. Nothing to do with that.
They are gay. End of story.
Well, actually, the Master isn't. He's just like "I would rather die than live wih you. Hhahaha. *die*"
Ten is like, "I am going to chain you up in my TARDIS and play with you and huggle you and cuddle with you and stare at you and pet you and feed you and dress you up and hold you and keep you forever and ever and ever and ever!!!!!!!"
16.) Ten is not even like, "Thank you MARTHA for saving my life/the universe." He's all, "Oh hai you are silly human wimmin plz be getting off of my TARDIS now kthxbye."
Fucking bastard.