I don't want to go on pretending that it's going to be a happy ending.
I've always been with someone else when I do stuff, especially in school. I'm classmates with Ted, who's an uber-cool guy to be with in almost all of my subjects -- way cooler than gay and temperamental professors, frustrating lab experiments, practically impossible machine problems and snooze-fest lectures. When it's lunch time, break time or problem set time, there are my ever-so-wonderful Circuit orgmates friends who are so fun to be with and so goal-oriented I would just like to hug each and every one of them.
But today was different. I ate out alone. The capitalist clown with a horrible striped get-up took advantage of my hungry self and slashed away two days' worth of my allowance for just a lunch-merienda meal. I guess this is because of the "Supersize Me" movie I watched a month ago for Panpil 17. Quite like an unconscious effort to bulk up and bring my weight up to above 90. Then again, I was happy myself, because this is definitely one of the few days that I get to spend quality time with myself. Over fries and chicken.
Being alone, I have this habit of observing other people, which I kind of developed in a span of one sem thanks to my Fil40 class (Ideya at Istilo ng Panitikang Pilipino) last sem. Sir Jun Cruz Reyes recommended us this technique so we can write about something true-to-life and believable for class.
So here's the thing. I was nibbling the last few bits and pieces of chicken meat while observing people when I noticed two guys a few tables away from me, sitting in front of each other. Both were nicely-dressed -- neat collared shirts, jeans and rubber shoes -- and both sported not-so-flashy, not-so-jologs manly hairstyles. One was actually leaning to the glass window, looking outside. His companion's forehead rested on his own arms on the table, his face hidden from view -- kinda like sleeping.
Or so I thought. This guy (to my right, if you're with me imagining) sat up straight. His eyes caught my attention. He was actually crying. The other guy didn't budge. And while I was munching on a considerably juicy part of the chicken meat, I saw Crying Guy mouth out words that no one would mistake for any other sentence:
I still love you.
Surprise and depression crept into me. I dropped my chicken and watched them carefully. They don't seem to care if everybody (or just me) would look at them, because they acted as if they're in a world of their own. And so they're gay. But later about that. Back onto the scene.
I noticed that The Window Guy started crying as well. The Crying Guy grabbed his hand, but The Window Guy forcefully removed his. With shock and tears in Crying Guy's face, he hid his face in his arms just like before. And after what felt like a long time, I saw Window Guy mouth out the words "I'm sorry" and briskly left the fast food.
I think Crying Guy didn't notice that his boyfriend left already, and I just think he won't notice that Window Guy left him for good. If only time stopped, I'd drop my chicken and give Crying Guy a shoulder to cry on, but what a shame, I was so hungry. I finished my meal, just the way Window Guy finished their relationship.
For one thing, the guys were actually boyfriends (or just to my conclusion). I remembered talking to my dad about homosexuality when I ate out with him the other week in Quiapo. I was surprised that he was rather open-minded about this, just like me. We had the same thought that homosexuality and effeminism are two different things. And as far as religion, culture and society are concerned, carnal desires are something people shouldn't mess around with. For both of us, transsexuality is a major no-no. Moreover, it's more pleasant to see straight-acting gay guys than cross-dressing gays. Ultimately, society shouldn't make a big deal out of these kinds of people in any way whatsover, because (one) people change, (two) they're people like us, and (three) as long as they don't harm anyone else, it's perfectly alright to love someone of the same sex.
But what really affected me isn't the fact that they were gay, but the "love part". Up to now, the only thing I can say is "How sad..." Love knows no bounds -- emotions, time, space and even gender. The thing is, I hope everyone gets the love that they really deserve, and not just a bucketful of tears and tons of loneliness. Because in the end, we all deserve to be happy, don't we? Things like this come to our lives at the right time, at the right circumstance. We just have to wait.
I left McDo feeling quite satiated, but sad. He was alone now. But worse was he's also lonely. I'm at home now, and I still ask myself "Do I feel lonely too?"
PS. I'll be writing a more self-centered post next time. I have a probset and an exam to attend to. I just had to post this because I feel really sad for Crying Guy.