(no subject)
just all a sudden things have started to bother me... My dad is in a down and depressed mood which is getting me wonder... So i sat down with my mom and asked why. She said dad feels trapped, caged... enclosed like he did up north. and i feel its my fault, if i didnt move down here they wouldnt of had to pay 200+ more on rent for a bigger apartment, my car insurance wouldnt be on theres (thans another 400 every 6 months) and food and everything else... I know its not my fault for the entrapment for car wise since i have my own now, but since i got my car and kc helped me he lost his car so in terms its my fault. And now someone else is making a life changed choice because of me. And i love him for that but i am not pressuring you jesse to move down here if you dont want to its okay. But i dont know what to do anymore. I cant afford school and i dont know when the hell i am going back anymore. I'm trying to get full time at disney and i have no time to go to casting and do that, I work 5 days a week at the least and rarely have 2 days off in a row. except this week. And today was the first day i got to relax is 3 weeks. Tomorrow i am off running around like a chicken with its head cut off... Tomorrow i already know 160 of my paycheck is already gone, hoping i have enough for gas for the week. My birthday is next week and i feel like i have nothing to celebrate... what am i going to do.. sit on my ass and do nothing. I have gained 4 lbs... i know it doesnt seem like much but going from losing 30 from when i moved down here to gaining again and its getting me down. Lately people at work have been noticing my moral is going. I'm not all chipper. The only thing i ahve to look forward to is my bed at night and jesse comming down in like 20 days or something like that... my phone bill is past due yet again. Car needs to be paid and i need to give my parents money so they dont feel so trapped. Sometimes i wish i could of s tayed where i was, or go back to when i was a kid and never grow up so i dont ahve to worry about the real world. Than fucking america is going to hell for another 4 fucking years. and no one seems to see that, or it seems that those who do out votes dont count. my friend meg wants to give up on her life because she wants her ex back. and i dont know what to tell her. I havent talked to oneof the people who can make me happy in almost over a month now. Crystal. and its almost my birthday andi havent heard from her. i want to get a tattoo on my birthday and i dont know if its the best finacal decision i can make right now, but its my birthday money and i want to do something for me for once. I'm not sure anymore. I know i shouldnt feel this way and i always feel negative. well atleast some people say i do. But its how i feel and i am expressing myself. I mean before i moved down to florida my parents we happy they went on drives randomly around and now they sit in the house all day doing nothing cause they dont have the money or a car to do it in. Its all my fault. seriously they were fine before i moved down here, but i had no other choice, no where else to go. Its not like i was offered a place up there to live in. Not even my own fucking family up there offered me a place to live. Hoe can one feel after that? okay i am going to stop bitching anf typing and do soemthing else. i just need to cause pain so thats why i need a tattoo...