Self-Therapy: Lesson One
Limitations Caused by Anxiety:
- I cannot be alone comfortably, I feel a great sense of unease and loneliness, sometimes panic.
- I am sometimes unable to go out in public, for fear of many different things... people looking at me, judging me, that I'll have a panic attack, that I'll be embarrassed in some way.
- I avoid socializing, for fear of being embarrassed, not knowing what to say, feeling foolish, being rejected, being judged, being disliked, having a panic attack and not being able to escape the situation, etc.
- I am often unable to make decisions, for fear that I will be wrong, and then I will feel extreme guilt and worry. I repeatedly contemplate whigh option would be best and end up doing nothing because it's "safer."
- I can't have a job, much for the same reasons I listed above. Fear of failure is the most powerful, fear of rejectio, fear of confrontation, fear of doing everything wrong, fear of being fired, fear of interacting with others.
- I don't even have hobbies anymore, because if I fail or I make a mistake (with painting or drawing, for example), I will punish myself over and over in my mind for being "worthless" and untalented.
-I can't drive long distances or fly - when I do, I have panic attacks, I feel restless, I can't relax, I fear that I will die in the case of flying, I feel claustrophobic in a car, I feel trapped, I fear having a panic attack and not being able to escape. I fear dying in a plane crash.
- I can't end relationships, because I deeply fear being alone, which is when most of my panic attacks occur.
- I can't even see my friends sometimes, for fear of them judging me, rejecting me, not knowing what to say, or ruining the moment.
- I definitely can't speak in front of people, due to fear of rejection, forgetting what I wanted to say, that awful quiet in the air while I'm talking, judging me, looking at me, feeling stupid, them THINKING I'm stupid.
- I often don't take my medication, because it might cause me to have a panic attack, or kill me in my sleep.
- I'm even afraid to FALL asleep, I'm not sure exactly why... I think it's the loss of control. And, oddly enough, I'm afraid that, if I try to fall asleep, that I won't be able to, and that would mean that I'm doomed to never sleep again.
- I fear dying, but I think that is more of an existential and philosophical issue. I don't know for sure what is going to happen to me. My family believes that there is existence after death, but there's no proof. I'm afraid of not being conscious, of not being able to hear my own thoughts. If death is non-existence, then I would be unable to think.
Depression Assessment:
Physical/Physcological Symptoms: 27 - Severe Degree of Depression
Personal Satisfaction: 24 - Severe Lacking in Personal Satisfaction
(Ha. I could have told you THAT.)
This program suggests that I take antidepressants, but if aprt of having an anxiety disorder is FEAR of taking medication, how the fuck do they expect me to do that? Considering that I've been on almost every SSRI and SNRI known to man, I don't think I'll be doing that. KTHX.
I asked my parents for an elliptical for my birthday.... they have some pretty cheap ones on amazon.com.... so I've got the exercise thing taken care of.
"Wish List"
If my anxiety and depression were not holding me back, I would be able to....
- Be alone in my own company, and enjoy things on my own without the need of someone else there with me.
- I'd be able to go out and do things alone or with friends; go to museums, art shows, concerts, hiking, road trips, the zoo.... and not have to worry about having a panic episode or any of the other silly things I obsess over.
- I'd be able to meet new people without feeling panic, I would be comfortable and confident, the uneasiness would be gone. I'd be able to open up to people and talk about generally unimportant things, something with which I seem to have trouble.
- I would be able to make decisions without obsessing and worrying and going over every single detail over and over.... and then, be able to accept that decision, and not beat myself up and feel extreme guilt IF I fail.
- I'd be able to have a job, and not make anxiety-related mistakes very often. I'd be able to interact comfortably with people I don't know.
- I'd be able to travel, visit friends and family, see the world eventually.
I guess I have to read a motivational book. Gah, I really dislike those kinds of literature, if you can even call them that. Half of them are a scam, and the other half are asinine and trite. Oh well. "Power of Now" seems pretty decent, if I can get myself to concentrate on it.
Well, that was time-consuming. Hopefully it will be worth it.