Separation
Every good, benevolent thing I have ever done for anyone never mattered. The love I had and still have for others never mattered. Nothing matters. I am broken, and I am reman here only because I am compelled by my human nature to preserve my own life. Everyone I love will leave me. Everything I cherish will be destroyed, while I remain. This is the essence of the unfairness and injustice of my life. I love, and I am not loved in return. People love me, and I cannot love them the way they love me.
My marriage has failed, and I am alone. I will always be so. This is the hardest thing with which I have ever had to come to accept. I will never truly know the people I have loved, and they will never know me. No one will ever know me. Everyone continues on, and I remain here, alone. I cannot express the deep sorrow I feel, the constant pain. But I persist, because I have no choice. I loved my husband. Ino longer know what is true. I want to sleep forever. I have no choices left.
I go to sleep each night, and part of me wishes that I may never wake up again. The part of me that strives for its own existence continues waking into loneliness and regret. My life is no longer substantial. I am empty, and the void I have tried to fill is bottomless. I do not know why I am here. I pantomime my life in the way that is expected, but I long to dissociate. I long to feel nothing. The concept of meaning is itself meaningless.
I'm not supposed to be here.
On a more practical note, Matt and I still love each other. But we are changed, and so is our love..... if that is even a real thing at all. I will continue on, though I wish I would not. The only constant in life is that nothing stays the same.
I've decided that I don't care anymore, and if I drink myself to death it will be no great loss, to anyone. I have truly loved, and that's all I know. I don't care to know any more than that, I already know too much. If there is another place that I am going to, I want whomever is reading this to know that my love was never a lie, and that I'm sorry, and I will miss you.