reeling through an endless fall [glee; emma; pg]
title; reeling through an endless fall (things start splitting at the seams and now)
author; voiture_jaune
fandom/pairing; glee, emma. slight will/emma, emma/other.
rating; g-pg
summary; All Emma can do is cover it up, pretend it isn't there, and hope that with time the stain goes away and just disappears from the back of her mind like it was never even there.
author's notes; first fan fiction in a really, really long time, but i love this show and i love emma. un-betaed, so all mistakes are my fault. title comes from 'no one's gonna love you' by band of horses.
In the end, the fireman doesn't call. Emma doesn't particularly mind, mostly because it's a busy week with an unusual amount of scheduling conflicts and the sad death of a student's grandmother. It's also the week when she finds out that Will's thin, blonde wife is pregnant and that he may be leaving McKinley High for good.
So, no, worrying over why a fireman didn't call her within four days of getting her number is not really a top priority.
--
There are three other guidance counselors at McKinley.
One, Ben, is forty-five and married with twins in their freshman year. He catches colds easily. Emma avoids him during these periods of time, and makes sure he doesn't touch the knick-knacks on her desk.
Susan is the oldest, and is grumpy. She dislikes Emma for no reason, so she avoids her too.
The only guidance counselor that Emma can seek counsel with is Sara Givens, who is six years older than Emma at thirty-four but kind, with a fiancé named Connor who bears a slight (very slight) resemblance to Mark Ruffalo. Sara is the closest thing that Emma has to a best friend, and the only person on the planet that officially knows about Emma's crush on Will. Unofficially, Emma knows that basically everyone in the whole school knows, except for Will.
--
(Will isn't stupid, or blind. He knows.)
--
When Sara hears that Will is leaving, she is sympathetic but opts for the "maybe it's for the best" routine. Emma chooses to face this tactic with complete agreement and simple denial.
"I mean, I don't even really know him that well. It was just a school girl's crush," Emma says off-hand, simultaneously running a Q-tip between the letters of her keyboard and lying through her teeth. Her throat feels tight and she viciously attacks some (invisible) dust on her computer monitor.
Sara rolls her eyes and doesn't raise an eyebrow at the cleaning - she got used to that far too long ago - before agreeing, "Sure it was. And now, you'll have a chance to move on and find someone perfect for you!" She takes the bottle of Purell off Emma's desk and squeezes some into her hands. Emma runs a disinfecting wipe over the bottle.
"I just wish he was leaving under better circumstances," Emma babbles ineffectually, finally sitting down in her maroon desk chair and beginning to alphabetize a pile of schedules. "Because I honestly care about him and I don't think being an accountant is what he wants. I just feel awful for him, because he really loves the Glee kids and doesn't want to leave them and now it's just his wife that is forcing her way into everythi-"
"Emma." Sara raises her eyebrows. They are always quick to shut down conversations about The Wife.
Finally silenced, the sadness in Emma's eyes is pronounced and she exhales, eyes downcast.
"I just wish he wasn't leaving."
--
And he doesn't.
Will stops by her office the morning after he didn't stop believin', that off-kilter grin on his face. "'Fraid you won't be getting rid of me too easily." Emma smiles back at him and their eyes meet - for a moment, she remembers why it's so impossible to fall out of this thing, this habit that she has.
It's simple. He's so good, and even though she tries and tries, it's not a stain on her carpet that she can pour gingerale on and expect to fade. All Emma can do is cover it up, pretend it isn't there, and hope that with time the stain goes away and just disappears from the back of her mind like it was never even there.
--
It's been raining for four days straight, and Emma is getting sick of tracking mud into her office. Rachel comes to see her on a Thursday, and even though all the other counselors thank God that she's not their problem, Emma likes her. Unfortunately, from the moment she stepped into the office, it was obvious that Rachel Berry had not had a good day.
"Mr. Schu has been out of it all week, and I'm sorry, but I'm not going to let the quarter-life crisis of some twenty-something affect my chances of making it to Broadway."
Emma hides a smile, crosses her legs. "Well, the rain has everyone screwed up, Rachel. We're not used to it here."
The young brunette narrows her eyes and then sighs. "I mean, he gave Tina the lead vocals in a Beach Boys song. Doesn't that seem a little off to you? Her voice doesn't have the necessary qualities for a song as classic, as beautiful as God Only Knows, and to be honest I don't think she even knows who the Beach Boys are -"
"Rachel," Emma cuts her off, absently running a hand through her hair. "What is this honestly about?" For a moment, Rachel's face remains hard and cold, but it melts within a moment and Emma is unsure about whether she is going to cry or not. The rain slides down the window, achingly quiet.
"Have you ever liked somebody so much you just want to lock yourself in your room and cry?" She looks distressed. Startled by the question, Emma falters. Will springs to her mind, unbidden, and she reaches for a tissue to hand to Rachel.
Emma knows that Rachel is talking about Finn, the kind of boy who must look perfect to a girl like Rachel. Tall, handsome, and a good singer. Emma is his girlfriend's counselor, as well. She knows that, somehow, Rachel must be experiencing the dramatic high school equivalent of what Emma herself is going through.
--
The rain is still coming down when Emma shakes out her green umbrella and slides into the front seat of her car. When the door is shut and the heat is on, she begins to cry.
--
Sara's wedding is in early November, on an uncommonly warm day. Emma is a bridesmaid and is dressed in a short, emerald green dress. Her hair is down and she feels pretty.
The entire faculty was invited, and some students even show up and sit in the back of the church during the ceremony. She will be escorted down the aisle with Connor's best friend Eric, who cracks jokes to make sure their smiles are genuine and doesn't mind when she asks him to wash his hands before they walk together or when she gets out her lint roller and goes to work on his tux.
She spies Mercedes, Kurt, and Finn sitting in the back together - they're all Sara's counsels, and wave when they catch Emma's eye. She smiles and waves back.
Will is sitting with Ken in the front. Emma can feel Ken's eyes running up and down her body not-so-conspicuously and it makes her uncomfortable, but she chooses to ignore this when Eric squeezes her arm and motions that it's their turn to go. The ceremony is beautiful and funny, just like Sara and Connor, and bright light filters in through the stained glass and plays games with the dust floating in the air.
--
The reception is a fun one. Emma makes it a point to avoid Ken and sighs with relief when he is distracted by a cousin of Sara's. She dances with Eric (more than once) and for the first time in a long time she feels that hopeful flutter in the bottom of her stomach that could signify a connection with potential. He is handsome and a pediatrician and finds her mysophobia "cute". She tells him its a relic of a childhood full of colds and the flu, and he laughs and she thinks he might be pulling her a little closer.
An hour later, the DJ plays Landslide and Emma misses her father so much that it hurts. Will approaches her and asks her to dance, his smile crooked, and she accepts (because really, what else would she do?)
Maybe it's just her being paranoid, but Emma is sure that Will is being just as careful about keeping the distance between them as she is. Emma doesn't want to fall into something that she has been teetering on the edge of for months now, but he has always seemed so removed. Looking at her now, his blue eyes don't seem so full of the kindness and amusement and platonic feelings that they have always reflected back at her.
"Where's Terri?" she asks, trying to keep her voice casual. She cringes when her voice registers quite higher than it normally does. Will doesn't seem to notice, just looks a little sad.
"We haven't been having the easiest of times lately," he responds shortly. Emma nods and almost decides to drop it, but quickly says, "You can tell me, if you want to. What's wrong." She looks him directly in the eye with a courage she didn't know she really possessed when it came to him. "You can alway talk to me."
He looks down at her, considers, and then just smiles. "You look nice, Emma."
--
(Terri isn't pregnant. Will wants things to work. It's too hard for her. She asks for a break. He thinks it might mean a permanent one.)
--
Emma gets home around one in the morning. Sara's family is loud and Irish and she has a good time, even daring to slip off her heels and dance on the parquet floor. Eric teases her, says he'll clean the floor first if she wants. She does want, but she decides that would be unreasonable and lets go of her fear for the night. (Blame it on the open bar.)
She can only keep her eyes open long enough to brush her teeth, foregoing the usually-accompaning floss and mouthwash in favor of collapsing on her bed. At noon, Emma wakes up and makes herself blueberry pancakes. She gave Eric her number, but then, he gave her his too. She stares at the phone.
In the end, she doesn't bother to clean the phone off before she begins to dial his number.
A knock at the door interrupts her progress and she opens it to find Will, bags under his eyes and dressed casually. He smiles weakly, and Emma offers him some pancakes. He takes care not to get syrup on her counters, and she appreciates this.
He tells her everything, and she holds his hand when he looks like he may cry.
--
Emma still calls Eric that night, when she's showered and tried to forget the morning's events. She knows the kind of man that Will is, that he will try his hardest to work things out for his family.
It's ironic, because Emma knows the reason that she loves him so much is because he's so unwilling to let it be easy to slide into something between them. She loves him because he keeps them apart, in favor of what's right.
So she cleans off the phone and calls the handsome Eric. She can hear him smiling into the phone, and she feels something.
The stain isn't gone, but the feeling in her stomach tells her that maybe this could cover it up.
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