Too much time to think...
So the past few nights have been extremely boring and it has given me time to think about a variety of things. The more I think the more I get depressed about my current situation in life. Here is a background of me from the start.
My parents were crack/cocaine addicts. My mom was physically and psychologically abusive. At the age of 6 my dad had enough of my mom so they divorced. Since my dad didnt get clean until I was 10 I lived a life of poverty, food banks, and borrowing money from relatives because all the money my dad made during his successful acting career went up his nose or into his veins.
At the age of 10 my dad got clean and we moved to Sturgeon Falls. My dad had to pretty much retire from acting because the travel from Sturgeon to Toronto just for an audition was too much to risk (money wise) so we lived off of my dad's dissability pention. It's not much more than welfare. Pooverty continues...
Growing up I was always told by my dad that education is important, dont drink, dont do drugs, smoking is bad for you, all the general things that any good parent will tell their kids. Not being the rebellious type, I followed his teachings like a sheep.
I stayed out of drugs, did'nt drink, did'nt smoke, stayed in school, hung out with positive crowds that would'nt get me in trouble. I was a good kid. I finished high school and got accepted into University. Since we were poor I had to apply for financial assistance which I got. So I moved to Ottawa to go to university.
I completed my first year and signed up for my courses for my 2nd year. There was a delay on my student loans so the university gave me some extra time to pay my tuition. After the deadline to drop out of courses to save your tuition money passes the student loans people inform that my application for student loans is denied. A big FUCK YOU from the government of canada. Apparently my dad made a bank loan to buy a small house. I was told that my dad should sell the house to pay for my tuition. No way! So I was forced to drop out, pay my tuition anyways over time, and pay back my $10 000 student loans with nothing to show for it. (I've paid half so far)
Now I work as a security guard protecting a building belonging to the very government that saw to it that I would be a 2nd generation poor white guy. Not long ago I decided I would save up to go back to university and get out of this situation. At one point I was in a position where I was making good money working for the security company, then out of the blue, the company gave me a $6000 pay cut and a crappy field job simply because I didnt serve in the military.
A few days ago I did the math. Even if someone walked up to me and said "here is the money to cover the costs of 4 years of school" I still could not afford to go back to university. If I go to school I cant make enough at work to pay the costs of living. If I work I cant make enough beyond my bills to afford to go to school or have the time to go to classes. It's a lose / lose situation, meaning I will probably be a security guard making $12/hour with no pention until im 70-90 years old where I will die.
So I'll admit there are people who have had way worse lives than me but here is what really gets me down. How does someone like me who was a good kid, did the things that I was told would lead me to a bright future, stayed out of trouble, and got shat on my entire life wind up nowhere in life? I can't even get a better job because I'm white. If I could go back and do it all over again, I would probably just do whatever I feel like as opposed to what was supposed to be the "right" things to do.
Here is to going nowhere in life...
My parents were crack/cocaine addicts. My mom was physically and psychologically abusive. At the age of 6 my dad had enough of my mom so they divorced. Since my dad didnt get clean until I was 10 I lived a life of poverty, food banks, and borrowing money from relatives because all the money my dad made during his successful acting career went up his nose or into his veins.
At the age of 10 my dad got clean and we moved to Sturgeon Falls. My dad had to pretty much retire from acting because the travel from Sturgeon to Toronto just for an audition was too much to risk (money wise) so we lived off of my dad's dissability pention. It's not much more than welfare. Pooverty continues...
Growing up I was always told by my dad that education is important, dont drink, dont do drugs, smoking is bad for you, all the general things that any good parent will tell their kids. Not being the rebellious type, I followed his teachings like a sheep.
I stayed out of drugs, did'nt drink, did'nt smoke, stayed in school, hung out with positive crowds that would'nt get me in trouble. I was a good kid. I finished high school and got accepted into University. Since we were poor I had to apply for financial assistance which I got. So I moved to Ottawa to go to university.
I completed my first year and signed up for my courses for my 2nd year. There was a delay on my student loans so the university gave me some extra time to pay my tuition. After the deadline to drop out of courses to save your tuition money passes the student loans people inform that my application for student loans is denied. A big FUCK YOU from the government of canada. Apparently my dad made a bank loan to buy a small house. I was told that my dad should sell the house to pay for my tuition. No way! So I was forced to drop out, pay my tuition anyways over time, and pay back my $10 000 student loans with nothing to show for it. (I've paid half so far)
Now I work as a security guard protecting a building belonging to the very government that saw to it that I would be a 2nd generation poor white guy. Not long ago I decided I would save up to go back to university and get out of this situation. At one point I was in a position where I was making good money working for the security company, then out of the blue, the company gave me a $6000 pay cut and a crappy field job simply because I didnt serve in the military.
A few days ago I did the math. Even if someone walked up to me and said "here is the money to cover the costs of 4 years of school" I still could not afford to go back to university. If I go to school I cant make enough at work to pay the costs of living. If I work I cant make enough beyond my bills to afford to go to school or have the time to go to classes. It's a lose / lose situation, meaning I will probably be a security guard making $12/hour with no pention until im 70-90 years old where I will die.
So I'll admit there are people who have had way worse lives than me but here is what really gets me down. How does someone like me who was a good kid, did the things that I was told would lead me to a bright future, stayed out of trouble, and got shat on my entire life wind up nowhere in life? I can't even get a better job because I'm white. If I could go back and do it all over again, I would probably just do whatever I feel like as opposed to what was supposed to be the "right" things to do.
Here is to going nowhere in life...