You make me wanna.....
I love my Nana so much, and I cant believe she's gone. There are times that I forget and I think of something and realize no, I'm not going to see her in the window when we drive past her house, I'm not going to hear Daddy call her up and hear his voice say the trademark "Heyyyy Nan". I'm never going to get to talk to her again either, and I wont get to do anything with her ever again. My Nana who I've had all my life wont be there for anything else in my life. Not my high school graduation or wedding or even for tomorrow. I'm terribly glad that shes at peace but I just wish that could be possible with her still alive. I wish I never had to deal with anyone else's death. Mine I can accept but the death of other people drives me hysterical. There's nothing I can do about it, and when there's nothing I can do about something and I cant ignore it then I cant accept it. I want to die before everyone else in my life. Even tho thats incredibly unlikely big fucking deal. At least I better die before Beth and Roxanne. I dont know what they think, but I'm going first and thats the end of the discussion. ANYway I dont feel like talking about the deaths of other people now to compile the sadness.
The wake was today, and it was really hard for me, especially the night one. I knew I'd just break down again if I thought of it so I tried not to most of the time, but towards the end I wanted to be inside and able to see Nan more before tomorrow morning and then when I will never see her in person again. Tomorrow I know I'm going to be a basket case, especially when they lower the coffin in. Tonight when I was the last person inside I couldnt leave her. I just didnt want to leave here there all by herself, and Daddy had to lead me away. Maybe I should try to stop thinking about it now because that wont make it any easier tomorrow.
Anyhow it was so beautiful today, I absolutely loved the weather. It was like a yellow day, a perfectly splendid day that I just wanted to spend lying in the grass and looking at the clouds, just like my most perfect day ever that I dream can actually happen again. It's kinda funny that my perfect day is that when probably the rest of the world would not consider it perfect at all and would much rather do something else. Whatever. Tomorrow after the funeral when I have nothing to do I'm going to go lie outside. Even if it rains, because the rain is beautiful and I love when it drops on my face. Spring rain is just sort of magical to me and it's one of the best things about nature. Nature is really amazing, and I think its the thing I love most in the world. It includes all the good things about the world and is the core of everything.
ANYway I need to get up at 6 am or maybe earlier so I'm going to try to catch some zzz's. And hopefully when I wake up the world will be a perfect place. J'espère.
Cheers
Mlle de Villefort
The wake was today, and it was really hard for me, especially the night one. I knew I'd just break down again if I thought of it so I tried not to most of the time, but towards the end I wanted to be inside and able to see Nan more before tomorrow morning and then when I will never see her in person again. Tomorrow I know I'm going to be a basket case, especially when they lower the coffin in. Tonight when I was the last person inside I couldnt leave her. I just didnt want to leave here there all by herself, and Daddy had to lead me away. Maybe I should try to stop thinking about it now because that wont make it any easier tomorrow.
Anyhow it was so beautiful today, I absolutely loved the weather. It was like a yellow day, a perfectly splendid day that I just wanted to spend lying in the grass and looking at the clouds, just like my most perfect day ever that I dream can actually happen again. It's kinda funny that my perfect day is that when probably the rest of the world would not consider it perfect at all and would much rather do something else. Whatever. Tomorrow after the funeral when I have nothing to do I'm going to go lie outside. Even if it rains, because the rain is beautiful and I love when it drops on my face. Spring rain is just sort of magical to me and it's one of the best things about nature. Nature is really amazing, and I think its the thing I love most in the world. It includes all the good things about the world and is the core of everything.
ANYway I need to get up at 6 am or maybe earlier so I'm going to try to catch some zzz's. And hopefully when I wake up the world will be a perfect place. J'espère.
Cheers
Mlle de Villefort