not all.

[voidout]

not all in germany is pain. but some things that drain me a lot. interactions with people. being around people.
i felt so rested after being in japan by myself so much. it's addictive. being alone in your own company with no one giving you shit is pure heroin. following your natural thoughts. just by yourself. it's hard to quit this incredible comfort.

am i heartless? will i see things differently once the sadness comes around again? or when i'm older? or when i become desperate? when i get scared? i wonder.
i know i did one thing right. i quit when i felt it didn't feel right. on the spot. i felt (almost?) depressed from it so i quit on the spot. i put myself first. doubted at first, unsure whether it was right to leave something not exactly toxic. but i put myself first. i gained the fruits of that labour. i am happy. no anxiety. because i put myself first (basically the opposite of what helly did in severance, forcing herself so much that deep down she wanted to hurt herself for doing that and making herself live the life she didn't want to live - being inauthentic because it is expected of you - work and family image).