(no subject)
As some of you might know, I had a girlfriend. The keyword being "HAD" there. Around two or so months ago, during a visit with her, me and her just sort of... broke up. I won't go into the details, but it was a clean, peaceful break up and we're still friends. I know she might read this and all I want to say is that, once again, that whoever she's with now treats her alot better than I ever did.
None the less, I've been thinking alot over the past few days or so. About the reasons why we broke up, about myself... about my life in general. In all honesty... I'm not in a good place.
I have the ambition to WANT things. I want a better life, I want someone to love and hold and cherish... I want to be a better person than I am right now. What I lack... what I will never have really, is that drive to actually go out and do and take what I want. I want all those things... I lack the drive and ambition to take them, to work for them.
I could blame it on my work schedual, working from around 9:30 AM (Central time) to about 7 PM (Central time again) Monday through Friday on average (that's counting the drive to and from work)... but my entire schedual is flexible. I could go into work earlier if I forced myself to do so. But I don't. I tell myself I'm going to do it, and even set things up so I could try... and yet I always fail...
I just... I just don't know now... I don't know what I want to do with my life, just that I want it to be better than it is now. I don't know who I want to be with (as long as they aren't abusive), just that I want someone to be with.
I envy most of you all. You all seem to know what you want, and all have the drive and ability to actually go for it. Some of you complain about how hard you've had to work just so you could go to college and the like... and you all deserve it. You've had much rougher lives than I have.
I won't lie, my life has been a pretty good one up till now. Sure there have been some bumps in the road, but my family has always managed to stick together. I do know I have a better life than most people out there... than some of you even, and I don't mean or really want to rub it in. Its just... I know there's more to me than what I've done... what I've seen... I know I can do more... I just can't seem to bring it out...
None the less, I've been thinking alot over the past few days or so. About the reasons why we broke up, about myself... about my life in general. In all honesty... I'm not in a good place.
I have the ambition to WANT things. I want a better life, I want someone to love and hold and cherish... I want to be a better person than I am right now. What I lack... what I will never have really, is that drive to actually go out and do and take what I want. I want all those things... I lack the drive and ambition to take them, to work for them.
I could blame it on my work schedual, working from around 9:30 AM (Central time) to about 7 PM (Central time again) Monday through Friday on average (that's counting the drive to and from work)... but my entire schedual is flexible. I could go into work earlier if I forced myself to do so. But I don't. I tell myself I'm going to do it, and even set things up so I could try... and yet I always fail...
I just... I just don't know now... I don't know what I want to do with my life, just that I want it to be better than it is now. I don't know who I want to be with (as long as they aren't abusive), just that I want someone to be with.
I envy most of you all. You all seem to know what you want, and all have the drive and ability to actually go for it. Some of you complain about how hard you've had to work just so you could go to college and the like... and you all deserve it. You've had much rougher lives than I have.
I won't lie, my life has been a pretty good one up till now. Sure there have been some bumps in the road, but my family has always managed to stick together. I do know I have a better life than most people out there... than some of you even, and I don't mean or really want to rub it in. Its just... I know there's more to me than what I've done... what I've seen... I know I can do more... I just can't seem to bring it out...