As I enter
I am fairly certain that no one reads this anymore. Its probably for the best as nothing exciting goes on here. I just got my test back and managed a 91/100. This is not as good as I had hoped to get, but it is better than I was doing last semester. Unfortunately, I am doing worse elsewhere. I have a potential companion in my life, though I question some actions that recently came to light. At the same time this came to light, I have been thinking about my life as a whole. I am taking dance lessons, I am looking at a gym membership, and attempting to improve my life in the kitchen. To clarify the last portion I am trying to cook more often as well as trying to eat healthier.
That being said, I have also been looking at how I look at other people. I am constantly observing and judging people. I find someone I feel could be fun to be around and fun to be with, but something always comes to light that I put too much stock into. She has some physical defect, of she acts improperly, or she made a bad choice in recent memory. What is it that is wrong with me to make me think that I can look at others with such a critical eye while I fall short on nearly every scale. Everyone has their flaws, and perhaps this is one of mine.
If that is a flaw that my potential mate will have to deal with, what kind of person will I end up with? Will she be perfect in every way, but with low self esteem? Will she be merely acceptable and have to deal with being settled for? I know that I don't want to be settled for, in fact, I think that is the problem I am currently facing. I feel like I am being settled for. It is never a feeling I have enjoyed. Sara made me feel this way constantly. Whether it was her Minnesota ex, or some new boy toy that she wanted to explore things with, I felt that she was with me because I was acceptable but safe.
My entire life is frustrating and I don't know what I am doing anymore. Can't I be the one sought after for once? Can't I be the one that is pined after by someone who is on another level? I feel like I am a 6 or 7, but that I am looking at 5s and settling. I want an 8, 9, or 10, but I don't think that anyone on those levels will ever be able to look at me and not know that they are settling.
I am sick to my stomach right now, and I don't think it was just the steak from last night. What to do... what to do...
That being said, I have also been looking at how I look at other people. I am constantly observing and judging people. I find someone I feel could be fun to be around and fun to be with, but something always comes to light that I put too much stock into. She has some physical defect, of she acts improperly, or she made a bad choice in recent memory. What is it that is wrong with me to make me think that I can look at others with such a critical eye while I fall short on nearly every scale. Everyone has their flaws, and perhaps this is one of mine.
If that is a flaw that my potential mate will have to deal with, what kind of person will I end up with? Will she be perfect in every way, but with low self esteem? Will she be merely acceptable and have to deal with being settled for? I know that I don't want to be settled for, in fact, I think that is the problem I am currently facing. I feel like I am being settled for. It is never a feeling I have enjoyed. Sara made me feel this way constantly. Whether it was her Minnesota ex, or some new boy toy that she wanted to explore things with, I felt that she was with me because I was acceptable but safe.
My entire life is frustrating and I don't know what I am doing anymore. Can't I be the one sought after for once? Can't I be the one that is pined after by someone who is on another level? I feel like I am a 6 or 7, but that I am looking at 5s and settling. I want an 8, 9, or 10, but I don't think that anyone on those levels will ever be able to look at me and not know that they are settling.
I am sick to my stomach right now, and I don't think it was just the steak from last night. What to do... what to do...