if only they knew (3/3)

[rainbwoo]

If only they knew
Wooyoung lost his memory, Wooyoung is lonely, Wooyoung has an imaginary friend he calls Buck.
Nichkhun/Wooyoung, Wooyoung/Junho
au, pg
7,500+ words
Character death

+



<<

“You grew up in the orphanage together with Jaebeom, Taecyeon and Chansung,” Junho shows Wooyoung the photo that Jaebeom had given him. “You ran away from the abusive owner of the orphanage with the guys when you were 13. Taecyeon hyung and Jaebeom hyung were 15 and Chansung was only 10. Taecyeon and Jaebeom looked for jobs to support all the 4 of you. Jaebeom said your lives were pretty hard during those days.”

“However, a year later, they met the owner of a famous business company. He was impressed with your brothers interest and knowledge about business and took them in as his young apprentices. With his help and guide, your life gets so much better. Jaebeom and Taecyeon owns a business company now, in partnership with Mr.Park, the one who has helped you a lot.”

“As for Chansung, he’s still studying but once he graduates, he says he’s gonna help your brothers in their business.”

“Then what about me? What did I do?” Wooyoung asks, flipping over the pages of the photo album.

“They said you’re into photography. Said that one day, you plan to open your own studio,” Junho says, trying to remember what else he was told.

“I’m into photography? I don’t remember….” Wooyoung studies a photo of a scenery, which was apparently shot by him.

“You know, you should come along with me next time. Your brothers are very nice people. We can learn more about you from them together,” Junho suggests.

“I don’t know. Not sure if I want to know more about my past…”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know. What if I remember something from my past? What if I was a bad person back then? I don’t want you to think badly of me. I….don’t want to lose you.”

“Hey, no one says you’re gonna lose me,” Junho squeezes Wooyoung’s shoulders affectionately. “You don’t have to remember everything now. Just, take your time, okay?”

“Okay,” Wooyoung says and lets Junho plants a reassuring kiss on his lips.

+

“God. What the hell is wrong with you?!” Junho shouts. Wooyoung angrily walks into their room.

“I hate you Lee Junho!” Wooyoung slams the door shut and locks it.

“Wooyoung, open this door!” Junho bangs his hand on the door. “Wooyoung, talk to me!”

“Leave me alone!” Wooyoung screams back at Junho and kicks the door, and throws everything that was in his sight. Wooyoung doesn’t know what’s wrong with him. He gets angry way too easily these days, and he keeps on picking fight with Junho over the smallest thing. Wooyoung looks around the room searching for a familiar face but it’s to no avail. Wooyoung hasn’t seen him for approximately two weeks now and he wonders if he’s the reason why he is acting this way.

“Buck! Get out. Show yourself, God damn it!” Wooyoung shouts around the room. “Buck!!!!” he shouts angrily. “Fine. FINE,” he grunts, heading to the bathroom. He approaches the sink, taking out a bottle of hallucinogen pills from the mirror’s small cabinet. “If this is the only way to see you, then fine. You better come out when I swallow these!” he takes a handful of them and is about to shove them in his mouth but his hand is swatted away by another person’s hand and all the pills end up scattering on the cool tiles.

“What are you doing? Are you trying to kill yourself?” Buck fumes, taking the bottle and throws it far away and then locks his hands on Wooyoung’s wrist.

“Fuck you,” Wooyoung tries to break free from Buck’s grip, tries to push him away but his energy is already running low. “Fuck you. Why are you doing this to me?” Wooyoung slowly falls on the floor. “Why?” Wooyoung starts crying. Buck pulls him into a hug, shushing him.

“Who do you think you are? Walking in into my life and then disappear on me just like that?”

“I’m so sorry. This was a mistake. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have….”

Wooyoung sniffles. “What have you done to me? I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me, but I know how I feel about you. I love you, Buck. Why can’t you see that? Please, please don’t do that to me again. Please just don’t disappear like that. I am lost without you,” he sobs.

“Wooyoung, you can’t do this. How many times do I have to tell you? I am not real. You can’t love someone like me, Wooyoung. I don’t even exists in this world.”

“No, you exist in my world, that’s what matters the most!”

“Wooyoung, please. You need to stop this. Wake up! Get yourself back together!” Buck half screams, trying to put some sense into Wooyoung.

“No. I don’t wanna lose you. I don’t wanna wake up if that means you’re not going to be around anymore….” tears glistens on his cheeks.

“Wooyoung. Listen to me. I know you love me but he thing is we both live in a different world. It’s impossible for us to be together. However, I need you to be happy. I need you to be happy with your life, with your family, with Junho. Please.”

“W-Why?”

“Please Wooyoung. Be a good boy and just listen to me, okay? I’m just…me. No one. There’s nothing of me that you need to remember or hold on to. Just go on and live your life, okay? It’s okay. It’s going to be okay, I promise.”

“B-but--”

“Shhh,” Buck kisses him. “You need to forget me,” Buck whispers persuasively.

_____

Junho clicks the next photo in Wooyoung’s camera that he had just received from Wooyoung‘s brother that morning. There are photos of Wooyoung and his family and with another person that he has never seen before. The guy has a pretty face, with bright eyes and wide smile. In some photos, Wooyoung and the guy look so close and intimate together.

“I’m sorry,” Junho feels a sudden warmth enclosing from behind him. “I was so stupid. I’m sorry. I am so sorry,” Wooyoung keeps on apologizing. “I’m sorry. I love you,” he buries his head on Junho’s shoulder.

“Wooyoung? Shhh. It’s okay. It’s okay,” he turns around and hugs Wooyoung. “I was stupid too. I’m sorry.” Junho puts the camera away, burying his curiosity for now.

+

It wasn’t completely a lie. You did know me since you were 5. Only that, I was alive and real and not just your imaginary friend. I’m sorry that I have to hide some truth from you, but this is for the best.

I remember the plans and promises we made. God, we were so innocent cause everything was filled with only happiness, joy, happy ending- just you and me. But there’s nothing wrong with wishing for a good life. Just that, I thought it would be so much easier if we were prepared for the worst as well.

I was once the love of your life. And you were mine. While our brothers were busy helping Mr.Park managing his business, the both of us….we were both lost in our own world capturing beautiful moments in life to be shared and remembered. Our brothers knew about our feelings for each other, and they supported us. We were so happy as a family back then.

Wooyoung, I just want you to be happy. And I’m sorry that I have to leave first. The promises we made, all those plans to grow old together….they’re beautiful. But I wish….I hope you will never have to remember any of that ever again. I don’t want to see you sad and in pain. When I’m gone from this world, our memories together, every trace of us….I want to take them all with me.

Please be happy Wooyoung.

With every each happiness that you gain, it makes up for every sadness and misery that I have caused.

I just want you to be happy. And….

“Ufff,” the marshmallow falls down from his mouth.

“Here, eat another one,” Nichkhun says.

“Na-uh. We’re not supposed to waste food!” Wooyoung bends down and tries to search for the marshmallow.

And I just want to let you know that….

Chansung stands at the door frame, looking at Wooyoung and Nichkhun’s bedroom. They have taken up all the family portraits in the living room and hid them in the bedroom, just in case Wooyoung comes to visit. The walls on the room itself are covered with photos that Wooyoung and Nichkhun have taken. On one part of the walls, it’s fully covered with photos of both of them. Chansung feels a hand tapping on his shoulder and he doesn’t need to look to know who it is.

“I miss them.”

“I miss them too, Chan,” Taecyeon says.

“Let me he----- Wooyoung watch out!”

…..it’s not your fault.

“I feel bad for Khun hyung. Wooyoung hyung doesn’t even remember him…”

“It’s his last will. He told us not to tell Wooyoung that he was the one who drove the car. He told us it’s better for Wooyoung to not remember him at all…”

“He didn’t even want us to bring Wooyoung to visit him. Not even bring him to his funeral….” Chansung holds back his tears.

“If this is for the best, if this is what he wanted then we have to respect his decision.”

-----

“Khun, Nichkhun,” Jaebeom kneels on the floor near to Nichkhun’s bed and holds his hand. Nichkhun opens his eyes and blinks weakly at him. “Khun, he’s awake. But…” Jaebeom trails off and wipes the tears that managed to escape from his eyes with his other hand. “But he doesn’t remember. But I think he might remember if he sees you, Khun. I will bring him here to you, okay?”

Nichkhun furrows his eyebrows together and weakly squeezes Jaebeom’s hand. He pulls the oxygen mask away from his face. “Don’t,” he says, voice barely there. “Don’t tell him.”

“What?”

“I don’t want him to know me.”

“Khun, why??”

“Because I love him,” Nichkhun cracks a smile. “I’m content now knowing he’s awake and all fine. Promise me one thing?”

Silence.

“There’s no me. There has never been me. Not 5 of us, just the 4 of you. Can you do that?”

“Khun…I…..”

“I’m sorry for putting you in a hard situation but I’d rather do this than have to burden Wooyoung. I’m sorry, I’m selfish like that.”

“It’s not called being selfish if you’re doing this for someone else instead of for your own good,” Jaebeom tries to smile, tries to ignore the sound of Nichkhun’s heartbeat on the machine turning slow.

“I know you’re the strongest. And I know you will keep your promise. And for that, I thank you with all of my heart. For everything. Please take care.”

“I will. Wait. Taec and Chan is outside, do you want me to call them for you.”

“No. It will be harder to say goodbye.”

“….Khun….Just….Just know that we all love you. Wooyoung loves you. I know he really does.”

“I know…..Can you not bring him to my funeral?” Jaebeom shuts his eyes and bites his lower lip but he eventually nods his head. “Good. I’m tired…..”

“You fool. You’ve been holding on this long just to tell me all of these?” Jaebeom tries to keep the smile on his face, letting the tears run freely down his cheeks. The door shots open and Taecyeon and Chansung barge in panic.

“The nurse said Nichkhun’s heartbeat is low,” Taecyeon says.

“Guys….” Jaebeom doesn’t know where to start.

“I love you guys. The accident….don’t tell Wooyoung….”

“Hyung! Hyung hold on, the doctor’s on his way.”

The room goes silent, the steady, flat sound from the heartbeat monitor deafens everything else.

+

Coming back was probably a mistake, but I regret none of it. Being able to see you smile, to hold you and kiss you one last time, it was all worth it.

It’s better if you don’t remember anything about me now, Wooyoung, but if there’s anything, I hope you will know how much I have always loved you.

Wooyoung, don’t worry about me. Go on and live your life.

Please be happy. That is all I ask of you.