Measure in love...
London is my dog, we've only had him about a week, and I'm sure he is going to die soon. I had to take a picture of him before they took him to the animal hospital. If you know me at all, you know I'm not much of an animal person, but this is hard for me to see. He's living, he's breathing, he has a personality, he has fears, he has happiness in his eyes, and they are trying to give up on him. I know thats not what it looks like, it looks like they are trying to make them better, and maybe they are, but I'm almost positive that dog is not comming back. So I took a picture. He once lived, he should be remembered.
I also just saw Rent tonight. I know the art of theater cannot be compared, I know this. But this story was ment to be a movie. I know that as well.
There is no future, there is no past, there's only today. We only have today.
And that is pretty much how I have been feeling lately. If I don't do something with myself soon, I'm going to crawl out of my skin. It's like my heart, my insecurities, my comfortableness, they are tying me down. I won't step outside my door, unless it's to do the same thing I do everyday. I won't make something unless I've made it a hundred times before. My creativity is locked in a cage. I know how to make a box, a vase, a scrapbook page, I know how to make memories into trinkets you put on a shelf. I want to make memories, I want to make them live, and breath and even die. I want to make people realize we only have today, and even that today is not all that great. I don't want to make things that hang on a wall, I want it to hang in your heart. That is what film does to me. It leaves a mark that nothing else does. I love the art that hangs on a wall, don't get me wrong. But I think there are a thousand more things to say in a thousand different ways in a film.
How do you measure a year? How do you make it count? That is what I want to know. How do I make it last? How do I make into something that I want to last?
I'm sure this film affected everyone emotionally, temporarily maybe. Like the dreaded epiphany. And I suppose I'm having one right now. But if life is nothing but a string of epiphanies, and epiphanies are temporary, and temporary is not real...than what am I doing? Than I have to make the thread count. I have to make it real, and I have to make it visible. Not to everyone in the world, but at least to me.
So I finally get it, I know why I wanted to be a filmmaker. I knew it was in there somewhere, I just didn't have the key to get it out. So I have it out there, now can I get my creativity out, can I get it out of my lazy, comotose brain. Can I put the words into action? I really don't know about that one. I think that might be a different challenge.
Measure in love...I told Fred my heart is lazy. But I said that it was a good thing, because it leaves room to take care of yourself and make your life the best it can be. But maybe my heart is too active? I don't know. Maybe I live to fill my heart with those I love, so much so I don't have room for anything else. I'm not loving myself, and that is truely lazy. Partly why I don't even take care of myself. The day you see me with make-up on, or my hair did, that is a strange day indeed. I really don't get it. This is not an epiphany, this is me realizing that there is something going on here, that needs to be fixed.
If all I could say I ever did with my life was spend it on other people...well some might say that is an accomplishment if it made me happy. But it wouldn't be one I could show to anyone else. It wouldn't be the ONLY one I would want to experiance.
This is in me, I know it is. The need to create, to make something visible, this is in me. I have to get it out. I thought back and forth for a while that I might be happy being a social worker, or fighting for gay rights, or something meaningfull. And I'm sure I would, and I would do it with passion and pride and to the best of my ability. And maybe I would create a better person, or a better world, make a difference. But I don't know, that's still very undecieded. Maybe I just want to do everything...and that's why I do nothing. There's just too much to accomplish. If I apply myself, it will have to be at everything, and thats too much.
-CUT-
End epiphany.
I also just saw Rent tonight. I know the art of theater cannot be compared, I know this. But this story was ment to be a movie. I know that as well.
There is no future, there is no past, there's only today. We only have today.
And that is pretty much how I have been feeling lately. If I don't do something with myself soon, I'm going to crawl out of my skin. It's like my heart, my insecurities, my comfortableness, they are tying me down. I won't step outside my door, unless it's to do the same thing I do everyday. I won't make something unless I've made it a hundred times before. My creativity is locked in a cage. I know how to make a box, a vase, a scrapbook page, I know how to make memories into trinkets you put on a shelf. I want to make memories, I want to make them live, and breath and even die. I want to make people realize we only have today, and even that today is not all that great. I don't want to make things that hang on a wall, I want it to hang in your heart. That is what film does to me. It leaves a mark that nothing else does. I love the art that hangs on a wall, don't get me wrong. But I think there are a thousand more things to say in a thousand different ways in a film.
How do you measure a year? How do you make it count? That is what I want to know. How do I make it last? How do I make into something that I want to last?
I'm sure this film affected everyone emotionally, temporarily maybe. Like the dreaded epiphany. And I suppose I'm having one right now. But if life is nothing but a string of epiphanies, and epiphanies are temporary, and temporary is not real...than what am I doing? Than I have to make the thread count. I have to make it real, and I have to make it visible. Not to everyone in the world, but at least to me.
So I finally get it, I know why I wanted to be a filmmaker. I knew it was in there somewhere, I just didn't have the key to get it out. So I have it out there, now can I get my creativity out, can I get it out of my lazy, comotose brain. Can I put the words into action? I really don't know about that one. I think that might be a different challenge.
Measure in love...I told Fred my heart is lazy. But I said that it was a good thing, because it leaves room to take care of yourself and make your life the best it can be. But maybe my heart is too active? I don't know. Maybe I live to fill my heart with those I love, so much so I don't have room for anything else. I'm not loving myself, and that is truely lazy. Partly why I don't even take care of myself. The day you see me with make-up on, or my hair did, that is a strange day indeed. I really don't get it. This is not an epiphany, this is me realizing that there is something going on here, that needs to be fixed.
If all I could say I ever did with my life was spend it on other people...well some might say that is an accomplishment if it made me happy. But it wouldn't be one I could show to anyone else. It wouldn't be the ONLY one I would want to experiance.
This is in me, I know it is. The need to create, to make something visible, this is in me. I have to get it out. I thought back and forth for a while that I might be happy being a social worker, or fighting for gay rights, or something meaningfull. And I'm sure I would, and I would do it with passion and pride and to the best of my ability. And maybe I would create a better person, or a better world, make a difference. But I don't know, that's still very undecieded. Maybe I just want to do everything...and that's why I do nothing. There's just too much to accomplish. If I apply myself, it will have to be at everything, and thats too much.
-CUT-
End epiphany.