unauthorized musing
I found myself on auto-pilot today. I've looked forward to this past weekend since this semester started. It was supposed to be so different and now its gone. I had to make myself keep my foot on the pedal and keep from turning the wheel. I wanted so badly to drive back to pensacola and try all over again. I love my grandparents and my family. I just feel like I waste so much time in pensacola. I mean I'm there once or twice a year for 2 or 3 days and thats it. I was sitting in my grandparents house at 9:30 last night and I was jumping out of my skin. They were asleep and I was just there. I had no where to go but so many places I wanted to be. I wanted a reason to be out of that house so badly but there wasn't one. I was just sitting there looking at photos my grandmother always pulls out. Pictures ranging from my parents wedding to my horribly awkward awful middle school years. They were so depressing. What better to show you that everything is falling apart besides pictures of my mom before she walked with a limp, my grandparents before daily chores became too much, the family before we all moved away, childhood pets, high school dances, christmas vacations, family trips... how is anything getting better? I don't believe it is. I feel like I'm constantly late for something that I never get to. I rush through life to something that seems so important but once its over it happened too fast and I want nothing more than to go back. It just sucks. What would my parents do if I got in the car and drove back to pensacola and I stayed until I felt like leaving? I would miss everything that I have planned that will just pass by like my trip. I'm going in circles searching for something thats not even there. What do I do now?