sometimes other people just don't know...
Tonight's Bible study was about death and dying. My heart sank to my stomach and I started to feel all of the familiar sensations that come with an unexpected fresh bout of grief. In the moments before it started, I relived that day, the funeral, the aftermath. I remembered every time I had felt like this for any reason all in the span of a moment or two.
The bulk of the actual Biblical part was largely superficial review. A perfunctory recap of the Garden of Eden and what death meant and why it came to be.
The discussion is where it got dicey. For me at least. I saw the questions coming and was dreading the last one in particular. "Have you ever lost a close family member or friend? How did you deal with it?" That's the one I was worried about. He never got to that one. Skipped right over it. He did spend some time on "What comforts you when dealing with death?" Somebody made some half-ass answer. It was enough off the mark in my opinion that I didn't really process it. Kind of ignored it, really. I don't even remember what I said. Something about if it was close enough that the things people always say sound really insincere. Because, really? There is no comfort. There's dealing with it and the people who think they know what you need. You cling to the people you love that understand you and know how to be there while leaving you alone. You look for the ones that will let you talk if you need to or just sit there and hold you if you ask or carry on a normal conversation just for the sake of normalcy. You find some form of comfortable numbness to deal with the public and you do what you have to do. You keep yourself busy. You do mindless chores. You answer the stupid phone. You try to hold yourself together until its ok to fall apart. Until you can deal with falling apart. And, then, you go on. It still hurts. Its still hard but you pull yourself together enough to get out of bed the next day. To go to work. To clean the house. To do what you have to do. In time, it gets easier but it never goes away. You'll remember on their birthday. The day they died. When you sing their favorite song. When you realize you're forgetting things about them. When a random phrase gets said in conversation - it could be anything, really, anything that reminds you of them. It could be a run of the mill thoughtless Bible study that was barely a blip on anyone else's radar.
I am a member of the invisible community of the bereaved. And sometimes it just sucks.
The bulk of the actual Biblical part was largely superficial review. A perfunctory recap of the Garden of Eden and what death meant and why it came to be.
The discussion is where it got dicey. For me at least. I saw the questions coming and was dreading the last one in particular. "Have you ever lost a close family member or friend? How did you deal with it?" That's the one I was worried about. He never got to that one. Skipped right over it. He did spend some time on "What comforts you when dealing with death?" Somebody made some half-ass answer. It was enough off the mark in my opinion that I didn't really process it. Kind of ignored it, really. I don't even remember what I said. Something about if it was close enough that the things people always say sound really insincere. Because, really? There is no comfort. There's dealing with it and the people who think they know what you need. You cling to the people you love that understand you and know how to be there while leaving you alone. You look for the ones that will let you talk if you need to or just sit there and hold you if you ask or carry on a normal conversation just for the sake of normalcy. You find some form of comfortable numbness to deal with the public and you do what you have to do. You keep yourself busy. You do mindless chores. You answer the stupid phone. You try to hold yourself together until its ok to fall apart. Until you can deal with falling apart. And, then, you go on. It still hurts. Its still hard but you pull yourself together enough to get out of bed the next day. To go to work. To clean the house. To do what you have to do. In time, it gets easier but it never goes away. You'll remember on their birthday. The day they died. When you sing their favorite song. When you realize you're forgetting things about them. When a random phrase gets said in conversation - it could be anything, really, anything that reminds you of them. It could be a run of the mill thoughtless Bible study that was barely a blip on anyone else's radar.
I am a member of the invisible community of the bereaved. And sometimes it just sucks.