Gettin Rid of All This Baggage.
"If I don't pick up the phone like I used to for you, don't you take it personal. If I don't do all the things that I used to do to you, I ain't mad at you. If you get to feeling stressed up in yor chest thinking that your about to lose, baby its true. And if your losing out on sleep, home worrying about me, that's how it be... If you don't know, now you know your gonna miss my love. I aint stressing bout a doggone thing, 'cause I was true when I gave you my love. If you search you will never find another love like my love. Your gonna miss me. I aint got time while you sit around and play with my love..."
You prolly already heard that song by DC3. Right now its all I'm feeling because, the time I spent away from you hasnt been pleasant. Now that I'm back it doesnt look like things are gonna get any better.
Damn...last time I wrote was on the 30th...thats been 2 weeks ago now. Well since then I've been sick and in the hospital, my computer was in the shop, and other than that I been going thru some stuff. Ima just cut to the meat of the situation...
Last Sunday (2/5), I went skating and bowling with my friend Crystal. That turned out to be the worst mistake of my life yet. I can't skate, I never learned. A grown ass man never learned how to skate. Oh, Well...cuz I dont know how to swim either! LOL...A shame, I know. So anyway, The next day, I was in SOO much pain from falling on my ass so many times the day before. I mean, serious pain I thought I was fina die or something. I went to work, and school. I also pick Mark up and spent some time with him. Then Tuesday came, and the pain had grew unbearable, I woke up and couldnt move. It was terrible. I was ready to go to the ER but I HATE hospitals. So Wednesday came, I went to work and school. Followed my regular routine. I watched the Grammys which was AWESOME. Especially Kanye and Jamie Foxx's performance. They had the lil band dancin and doin the "lean wit it, rock wit it". Me like a fool, dancing with them, through all my pain. I guess I leaned to hard or something because later that night, by the time it came for me to go to bed, my shoulder was hurting like nobodys business. It was crazy. So Thursday morning I just laid in the bed. Then I decided to go to the ER cuz I couldnt take it. I was there most of the morning, with my dad. Well it turned out that, I had pulled something in my back and my shoulder. && It compounded on my sustaining injuries from that car accident I had in October. Yeah...painful.
But there was more pain in store for me. All the while this is going on NO ONE was calling me. Everybody had their own agenda--which I was not on. All my lil online/phone/ask for something when they need it buddies were no where to be found. Sure I called a few, all of them promised they were gona call me back. I'm still waiting on them to call me....Even more hurtful than that, Marcus...I havent talked to him since.........Tuesday, I think. Yeah, he told me he was gonna call me back, never did. Well, he did call back, && I think I was in the shower or something so I called him back-no answer. I called back a few times. -- No answer. && Since then, I havent heard from him.
All this got me to thinking, these kids stay in my face when I'm up and about, some I do favors for occasionally. Yet, I never heard from any of them. Not one. The only person I really talked to was Curtis. It really hurt because, I feel so dumb, some of them I really care about. I'm too stupid to realize that this online life is what it is...nothing more. I forgot that people are one way online and a different person otherwise. I forgot that people were selfish and ignorant. Oh, well....I'm over it now. I did a list cleaning. I only have about 6 people left on my list, from 21. I guess God knows what he's doing...
As for Marcus...I dont really know what to say about us. I've tried and tried. && Now, I'm really tired. Its like I'm in this alone. I know he has his own life there in Houston, and he has his own troubles. But when I told him that I loved him, I meant it. Its so difficult loving a person that isnt there for you. && its bad enough I that he's not there physically--but he's absent from me emotionally too. For the first time the other day he told me that he loved me back....of course you know at that point I was on another level of happiness. But I'm not feeling it now. Not when its been days without us talking...when we're both going on about our days..all day long I'm tryna find the time to call Marcus..and I do, a soon as I get out of class. It just seems like he doesnt have the same hunger for making this relationship work that I do. I may be wrong. He and I have discussed this before...I'm not sure how he feels now. I dont mean to make it sound like its all his fault, its not. But it seems like he puts me on the backburner alot. When I'm tryna be there for him as much as possible. If he's been going thru some things lately, it seems like I would be the one he'd call to talk to...but he hasn't. But I been calling and IMing him...he never responds...So what am I to do?
Curtis and I had a revelation...we discovered that our feelings for each other really have changed. There was once a time, that I could be with someone else and so could he, yet we were still in love with each other. We were talking and it just came out....he's happy with his boyfriend. && I'm....with ?Marcus? It was apart of something me and Marcus agreed on...I put aside everybody for Marcus. Stopped talking to all the lil dudes I was talkin to so that me and Marcus could get closer....doesnt seem to be working. I really dont know what to do or say...
Mark and I are really getting along. On a professional and friendly level....Its really gratifying to know that he's appreciative for my friendship.---Oh yeah...I got a 97 on my first Exam for my law class. I'm really proud about that. My mom's birthday is Valentines Day, && I dont know what to get her...
There's more I could talk about...but I'll save it for next time...
I'm about done.