It's too quiet here...
Well journal, I always seem to write in here when there's something amiss in my life. Or it's gotten too boring at least. Regardless, hopefully this will help me to clear my mind.
Yesterday started a new chapter of my life. The latest chapter since November, when I broke up with Paul. Yesterday I came home to a house missing all his things (and naturally a few of mine). Anyway, it hit me harder than I expected, especially since I'd been really, truly wanting him to leave for many months. So it goes. I personally have no idea where things will go from here, but I must admit that while I was on vacation in NC, he was constantly on my mind. Which is unusual for me... I'd been happy with my new guy up until that point. Happier with him, in fact, than I'd been in almost a year with Paul. I'd been happier with all the guys since Paul because of their appreciation for who I am, while Paul simply talked shit about me whenever he got the chance.
So now I sit here in my house, which is all completely mine and without random Paul things scattered about... and I miss the old days. Not this past year and some--not that period of fighting, disrespect, boredom, etc at all--but rather the days back in Atlanta when we were more of a team. When we both had friends, lives, missions to accomplish and challenging tasks to do. I miss his family and how he used to treat me.
Now I think that perhaps my response to his attitude here was childish and I should've talked about things more. But I realize that neither of us have useful ways of talking about our feelings and he doesn't seem to understand what I say when I do verbalize my concerns. The worst part is his attitude towards me now, which I can basically summarize as combative. And thus I feel there's no hope, which makes me very depressed. I think he must've cared, because he stayed here all that time, just waiting I guess. I don't know why he'd think that just waiting would solve anything, but it didn't (not surprisingly).
I told him one bit of this last night when I saw him: I told him that I thought I'd found someone else, but it's just not the same. I hope he could understand how much I meant by that. Maybe someday I'll be able to explain. For now, I just hope he keeps me in the back of his mind.
Yesterday started a new chapter of my life. The latest chapter since November, when I broke up with Paul. Yesterday I came home to a house missing all his things (and naturally a few of mine). Anyway, it hit me harder than I expected, especially since I'd been really, truly wanting him to leave for many months. So it goes. I personally have no idea where things will go from here, but I must admit that while I was on vacation in NC, he was constantly on my mind. Which is unusual for me... I'd been happy with my new guy up until that point. Happier with him, in fact, than I'd been in almost a year with Paul. I'd been happier with all the guys since Paul because of their appreciation for who I am, while Paul simply talked shit about me whenever he got the chance.
So now I sit here in my house, which is all completely mine and without random Paul things scattered about... and I miss the old days. Not this past year and some--not that period of fighting, disrespect, boredom, etc at all--but rather the days back in Atlanta when we were more of a team. When we both had friends, lives, missions to accomplish and challenging tasks to do. I miss his family and how he used to treat me.
Now I think that perhaps my response to his attitude here was childish and I should've talked about things more. But I realize that neither of us have useful ways of talking about our feelings and he doesn't seem to understand what I say when I do verbalize my concerns. The worst part is his attitude towards me now, which I can basically summarize as combative. And thus I feel there's no hope, which makes me very depressed. I think he must've cared, because he stayed here all that time, just waiting I guess. I don't know why he'd think that just waiting would solve anything, but it didn't (not surprisingly).
I told him one bit of this last night when I saw him: I told him that I thought I'd found someone else, but it's just not the same. I hope he could understand how much I meant by that. Maybe someday I'll be able to explain. For now, I just hope he keeps me in the back of his mind.