Fic: 5 conversations with lost people, PG, Rounc 10 By the number challenge
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Tomorrow, she says, everything will be okay again; tomorrow we’ll be able to figure out what it is that we did wrong.
***
He stands in the distance, he’s hidden by cars and trees.
He just watches them, both of them, from a safe distance. From here he can still pretend that everything is alright, that the perfect picture he sees (two best friends simply laughing at the silliness of live) is really what he is seeing, is the true image of who they are. He knows it is not, he knows because Lilly Kane is not a girl that loves washing cars, not the kind of girl that would come to these events; she’s only here because Veronica asked her to come. He knows, but from here he can pretend that this is where they belong, that this is how things are; that everything is alright, that the girl he sees now is the one he loves (not the hurricane she really is).
Illusions shatter, this he knows; what he (hopes) to see is not real, so eventually it will vanish.
It shatters, the illusion, when Veronica’s dad arrives and she drives away; for a second he thinks that perhaps she saw him, but she doesn’t look at him so she probably didn’t. He could have walked to her then, the image was shattered anyway; the two best friends were gone, there was only one girl now. Still he does not move, he stands there watching her (still pretending she is who he wants her to be, not who she is); he wants to walk towards her, wants to talk to her. In the end he doesn’t need to, she turns around and sees him standing there (maybe she saw him earlier but said nothing) and walks towards him. It is strange and surreal, because she’s never actually walked towards him (he is always the one who goes to her).
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In reality she never walks towards him, he does not walk to her either; they stand where they stand until she leaves. He’ll never know if she actually saw him.
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She stops in front of him, and for a while they simply stand there; they don’t say a word, truthfully they don’t know what to say. It is Logan that breaks the silence, he is always breaking their silence; always the one that returns to her, always the one that begs for her, never the other way around. ‘I’m sorry, for everything. For kissing Yolanda, for being an idiot, I’m just sorry.’ She looks at him and then looks away, as if she is afraid to meet his eyes; he wonder what it means for a second, then dismissed it; in reality he doesn’t want to know. ‘It’s okay, people make mistakes. We do dumb things, and you are and idiot so I was expecting them.’ He doesn’t say anything anymore, doesn’t really know what to say; he doesn’t know what comes next, doesn’t know where they go from here. Maybe this is it, he thinks, maybe this is the point of no return, the ending.
‘What now? Where do we go from here? How do we move on?’
‘I don’t know, I don’t think we do. Maybe this is the ending, maybe there is nothing else, maybe there is. But I think that is something we have to figure out tomorrow and the day after, tomorrow we’ll be able to figure out what it is that we did wrong, what we could do differently. Tomorrow everything will be better, tomorrow it will be alright again. Tomorrow we’ll make everything better, tomorrow we’ll figure it out. But not today. Today we are just two friends who apologize for mistakes made and then walk away, tomorrow we’ll be more.’
‘So I’ll see you tomorrow then.’ ‘Yeah.’
She turns around and walks away, doesn’t even turn around; there’s no goodbye, just a tomorrow we’ll see. He stands in the distance and watches her leave, watches her fade away. His eyes fly open as he wakes up from this dream, a wish really; of how he had wanted things to go, what he wanted to say and do. He thinks in his mind he has changed her for something else, a person she really wasn’t; he hasn’t changed that much, perhaps only the way their relationship was. This is not how their last conversation would have gone, if they had ever had one over there it would have gone differently; this was his goodbye, the one he wished he had.
***
In the end all he really has is an angry Lilly, who stands before him and says ‘I never want to see you again’. He has the door of her house slamming in his face, and him walking away from that door without as much as goodbye. He’ll never have goodbye.
2. Cassidy/Dick, what’s in a name?
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Good luck, he says, have fun I’ll see you tomorrow Beaver. My name is Cassidy, he answers.
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It’s the party of the year and yet around them there is always some kind of party; they’re have been so many party’s over the years they’ve kind of blurred together, becoming one long string of party’s. Now they’re celebrating (though they’ve never needed a reason for a party before) because they’ve finally graduated; of course technically seen he hasn’t graduated, nor has his brother. Yet none of that really matters, it never will; they’re just there to have fun and drink until they pass out. He stands there watching his little brother along side that girl (who’s name he can never seem to remember, it doesn’t matter to him what her name is, however it does matter to Beaver), he doesn’t understand what he sees in that girl, but it doesn’t really matter either. He’s not supposed to understand.
He laughs at something that Logan says, and he wonders if next year anything will change.
He dismisses that thought immediately, he doesn’t want to think about it; he’s Dick Casablancas for a reason, he’s not a thinker. He’ll leave that to his little brother, he’s the one who does the smart thing; he’s the one who drinks and has fun, he doesn’t think about the future, doesn’t think about what might come. He doesn’t really know how long they’ve been at the party, nor how long they will actually stay; but that never really mattered to any of them, this is their time. Beaver shows up by his side at some point, he doesn’t quite know when; he wants to walk away from him, ignore him like he’s done so many times before, and at the same time he really can’t. He stands there attempting to focus on what he says, but he doesn’t really care.
‘Hey, Mac and I are leaving. So, I’ll see you later at home alright.’
****
Really, he stands next to his brother as he attempts to drink and extreme amount of beer in one time, screaming at him, privately thinking that he’ll never be able to do it.
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His eyes wonder over to the girl standing not to far from them, and for a split seconds he feels like the brother he should have always been (the one he never was); not just there to make fun of his little brother, but also to give him advice. This has never actually happened to him before, the only other time they were like this was years ago at another party with an unconscious girl ( a party that doesn’t matter, a party he prefers to forget, to pretend that that moment never actually existed), but it’s not really the same, then he was joking, now it’s serious. So here they stand side by side, like brothers they never actually were: and for a second he wants to tell him something, redeem himself for all he has done in the past, this is the moment he can make up for it just a little bit (or at least it’s what he tells himself). All he really has to do is offer him some advice.
Of course in reality he doesn’t actually have any, only jokes.
‘Hey Beaver, you need something? I don’t know, like advice, help, a condom, anything?’
‘No thanks Dick, but I think I can figure it out on my own. I don’t need your help.’
‘You sure? Cause, I can give you some advice, tell you what to do. Tell you how to do it.’
‘I’ll figure it out, you don’t worry about it.’
‘Alright Beaver, go and have fun with your lady.’
He laughs and turns around, ready to walk away from this moment; he said everything he wanted to say, he didn’t really have advice for Beaver, but it doesn’t seem like it Beaver really wanted any. ‘Hey Dick?’ ‘Yeah?’ Beaver looks at him for a moment, without actually saying anything; as if he is willing his courage to come up, to say whatever it is he wants to say. ‘My name is Cassidy.’ He’s shocked into silence if only for a second, Beaver had never really liked his nickname (it’s probably why he kept using it); but he never actually said it out loud, and now that he has Dick doesn’t know what to say to him. For a couple of seconds they stand there, frozen in time , frozen in silence. ‘euhm…Alright Be…Cassidy I’ll see you later at home alright? Or maybe even tomorrow.’ ‘Yeah, I’ll see you later.’
Beaver walks away with his girl and never turns around to look at him.
Dick thinks it might be better that way.
***
Really, of course, he doesn’t have any of these things. He doesn’t have an understanding, doesn’t have an I’ll see you later, never even a goodbye. They were at the party, side by side; and he, he told his brother ‘It feels good to be a man from time to time, huh?’ And Beaver had answered ‘Yes.’ He had then left, his brother disappearing soon there after. No time for goodbye.
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3. Felix/Weevil, brothers till the end
‘Do you think everything will be alright in the future? That we can leave behind who we once were and become someone else? Tell me Weevil, do you think we’ll always be like this?’
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Weevil had send Hector to gather his troops, he hadn’t been able to do anything at that point, hadn’t been able to think clearly. He would have send Felix, maybe he even told him to go; but Felix had seen how distressed he was and had stayed by his side, like a true friend, a brother. He doesn’t really say anything and Felix never asks, this is how they are (how they’ll always be); never really the kind of friends that talk about emotional stuff, and yet at the same time always there for each other. Weevil knows he’ll have to tell him, the other’s don’t really need to know (won’t actually care either); but Felix will want to know the reason he wants to attack Logan Echolls (he has to for Lilly, for himself, for Veronica). ‘It wasn’t Abel Koontz.’ Felix doesn’t say anything, he already knew that; everyone knows, everyone that can read knows.
Weevil never actually told Felix about Lilly, not until she was dead and there was no reason not to.
‘V has been searching for the truth all year, she could have asked for help from anyone but she didn’t. It took her a year but she figured it out Felix, I heard her talking to her dad. It was Echolls.’ ‘Logan Echolls?’ ‘Yeah.’ Felix doesn’t say anything else, he wouldn’t even know what to say; they both already knows what comes next, and what comes next might land them both in jail, but he doesn’t really care. Felix would travel to the end of the world for Weevil and he’s pretty sure that Weevil would do the same for him. ‘I don’t know where he is right now.’ ‘Don’t worry Weevil, we’ll find him. Wherever he is. He’ll pay for what he did.’ They don’t say anything else, nothing to say; Logan Echolls killed the girl that Weevil had loved (maybe still loves) and for that he has to pay. If there is one thing that Felix understands it is that, that and the fact that this is his brother; so really whether or not he understands why Weevil had loved Lilly, it doesn’t matter; he’ll always stand by him, till the end.
He wonders if Weevil would understand about Molly, he wonders if it would matter.
He knows he won’t understand, he won’t understand why of all the people Felix could have fallen for it had to be a Fitzpatrick; but he never understood about the Kane girl either nor about his friendship with Veronica Mars. But he has accepted them both, he’ll never truly say anything bad about Lilly Kane, just like he’ll never go against Veronica, even help her if she needs it. Because Weevil trusts and loves them both, and that has always been enough for him (maybe not for the others though). That’s what friends are for after all, for that and for beating up people that do the other one some wrong. ‘You know there’s a girl.’ Weevil looks at him startled into reality, unshed tears in his eyes (tears that he’ll never actually cry, at least not where other’s can see it), and Felix realizes this might possibly be the worst time to have this conversation, but now that he has finally said it out loud he can’t turn back time and take it all back. ‘What’s her name?’ ‘Molly, you don’t really know her, but you know I think I might love her.’ ‘How long has this been going on?’ ‘Couple of months.’ ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t know how, I didn’t think you’d understand. Besides, we don’t actually talk about this kind of things, do we?’ Silence follows as they both remember Weevil’s relationship with Lilly, which was only discovered after she died; and yet at the same time Felix realizes how stupid those reason’s sound when you say them out oud.
He wants to ask, wants to know something; even if this really isn’t the time.
‘Weevil, do you think we can change who we are? I mean I know that we’re not exactly angels, and we’re not pretending to be either. But do you think we can change? You know leave all this behind us, become someone else? Become just normal people, along side the people we love, do you think we are capable of that?’ ‘I don’t know, maybe. If we really want to, if we have a strong enough reason, then yeah (maybe) we can. But we’d need that reason, and it wouldn’t be easy.’ ‘Do you think we’ll always be like this?’ ‘In a gang in high school? Maybe for me a couple of more years. But the rest? I don’t know.’ They both look up at the same time as they hear the other’s approaching, their conversation halted immediately, left to finish at another time. Weevil watches as his gang approaches, silently thinking of what he’ll say; before he says anything he turns towards Felix saying silently
‘I want to meet that girl.’
Weevil stands and addresses his group, Felix stands by his side, never wavering.
Two best friends, two brothers; strong together, till the end.
***
Really Felix and Weevil do sit there, but they don’t really talk. All Felix needs to know is that Logan killed Lilly, everything else can actually wait. Felix looks at Weevil at one point and says ‘Hey Weevil…’ But Weevil in that moment looks so broken, and Felix think they can’t talk about this now, Weevil is about to avenge the girl he actually loved. So all he says is ‘Never mind, I’ll tell you tomorrow. It’s not that important.’
Tomorrow will never come.
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4. Veronica/Lilly, sister’s at heart
‘You know who you are Veronica? You are my best friend, my sister. Whether we share the same blood or not, nothing can ever change that. It’s who we are.’
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Veronica wonders why they would be doing something as dull as washing cars, Lilly always has some sort of a plan to get out of these things; except that they are in pep squad and they need to do this, and everything has changed so much that they wouldn’t know what to do anyway. Changed since the moment that Logan decided to kiss Yolanda, ending his relationship with Lilly yet another time; this time however Logan had gotten angry at her, they had not really spoken since that moment. The friendship between the four of them completely shattered, possibly beyond repair, when Duncan walked away from her leaving her standing there, without as much as a goodbye or any kind of explanation. Their group separated, where before there were four friends sitting together; there are now two groups of two, and Veronica doesn’t really understand why or what happened.
They seem to be the same they always were; Veronica sweet and innocent, Lilly crazy and carefree.
Who they are and what they are becoming might be something else, the world is changing them as they always knew it would; the only thing Veronica knows in that moment is that she and Lilly will always be friends, even if Duncan never explains why, even if Logan forever walks away; Lilly won’t leave her. ‘God Lilly I see the Prozac’s working.’ ‘High on live Veronica Mars, I’ve got a secret a good one.’ Their eyes meet and there is a sudden understanding between them as there always is, Lilly has a secret (which might or might not have something to do with her) and she’ll tell when she’s ready, Veronica will wait until that moment arrives. Their dynamics change suddenly, Lilly becomes more serious (quiet even) and Veronica doesn’t know what to say because she’s never actually seen Lilly look at her that way. ‘Before I tell you about that, there’s something else I have to tell you as well. Your mom and my dad, a little over sixteen years ago, decided to rekindle their high school romance. And then nine months later there was you.’ ‘What? You’re saying that…’ ‘Your dad not your dad and Duncan well probably your brother.’
Veronica runs away towards the bathroom, Lilly follows without really thinking.
She finds her sitting on the floor, leaning against he wall; hugging her legs against her chest. She’s not crying, for which Lilly is grateful; she’s never been quite sure what to do when Veronica cried, never sure what to do when anyone cried. Lilly sits down beside her, not saying a thing (not that there truly was something that could make this any better); side by side, like the best friends Lilly hoped they would always be. ‘They’re not sure, there’s no proof. Maybe you aren’t and this whole thing has been for nothing. Duncan doesn’t know what to do right now, but we’ll figure it out.’ ‘Duncan knows?’ ‘Of course he knows, why do you think he broke up with you?’ ‘He could have told me this, he could have told me anything. Why didn’t he?’ ‘He didn’t know how Veronica, you love Keith so much, he didn’t want to destroy that.’
Veronica shakes her head slightly, not wanting to think of any of this.
‘It’s not true, it really can’t be true. It’s a lie, it has to be.’ Lilly wants to tell Veronica that she is right, that it can’t be the truth; but she can’t because she saw how distressed her family was, and though she doesn’t get along with her mother she knows that not even Celeste would make something like this up. Still she realizes that something must be said, anything that can make this situation (if only a fraction) better. ‘Would it be so bad to be my sister?’ Veronica looks surprised at her, not even having considered that possibility; Lilly can understand why, when she was first told she hadn’t thought about it either, everything else seemed to take precedent. ‘Now that you know we can do that test, we can find out the truth. And hopefully you are not part of our family just yet.’ Veronica smiles lightly, attempting to believe what Lilly just told her.
‘You hope we’re not sisters?’
Lilly looks at Veronica, really looks at her; at the best friend she could have ever asked for, a friend she probably doesn’t deserve. She remembers how it was when they first met, how shy and innocent Veronica was back then; how easy everything was when they were children. She remember how they used to play and how when they grew up they became interested in other things; she remembers how happy she was when she found out Veronica liked Duncan, hoping that they’d stay together, making Veronica into her sister someday. She would want her to be her sister, there is no doubt about it; but the image of how broken Duncan was when he found out, or the sadness in Veronica’s eyes makes her turn away from that possibility, refusing to accept it.
‘No, Veronica I want you to be Keith’s daughter, the daughter of the man that would do anything for you. I don’t want you to be Duncan’s sister, I want you to be his girlfriend, or at the very least his friend. If you never get together again, I want you two to be able to remember your relationship happily; not disgusted and attempting to forget it because of something that was not your fault, beyond your control. The rest doesn’t matter.’
‘It doesn’t?’
‘Don’t you see? You and we are who we are, we’ve been best friends our entire lives. You know who you are to me? You are my best friend, you’re my sister. I don’t need a piece of paper or a blood test to tell me that, I don’t need you to be my dad’s daughter. Whether we share the same blood or not, we are already sister’s. Forever.’
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Lilly wants to tell her about Duncan, wants to explain; she wants to sit on that bathroom floor and share everything, even the thing about Aaron. But she never actually gets the chance, she says ‘I’ve got a secret, a good one’ but before she can go further they are interrupted, and all she can say is ‘later’. Later as the ashtray swings her way and hits her, as she swirls in the air and hits the ground. In those seconds when the world around her colours red she wishes she had told Veronica, that she had told her that they were sisters no matter what. She never got the chance, because later, later she died.
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5. Logan/Duncan, Disappearing act
‘Be careful in the future Logan, don’t be to impulsive. Take care of Veronica for me, make sure that nothing gets to her, and remember no matter what happens in the future, you’re my best friend.’
***
Logan remembers how it was before; before Lilly died, before the world went to hell.
Back then when they were still sort of innocent, happy; when the world had not yet had it’s way with them, when they had not been broken. He remembers how Veronica used to be so innocent, so forgiven; how Duncan was happy and always by his side, how he was happy. He remembers how it was then and he knows how it is now; he just wishes he could go back, because the way he remembers it that time was much better. Even if it was some sort of an illusion, for he is never quite sure how much of it was real considering all they discovered later, it was better than how it is now. Then how it will be from now on, now that Duncan has decided that running away with his dead ex-girlfriend’s baby is the right way to go.
Logan wants to say something meaningful to him, something about their friendship.
But he’s not quite sure if they really have been friends since Lilly died; if not when she died they all did, that all that is left of them are ghosts, images of who they once were (who they’ll never be again). He doesn’t know if they haven’t completely drifted away from each other in those two years, only recently completely finding their way back to each other; they’re not the friends they were before, maybe they don’t want to be. They sit side by side and live their lives together; but everything that has happened (Veronica, Lilly, Aaron, Meg, Felix) has separated them, creating a rift between them. One that neither can actually mend, one that neither tries to mend.
Still on the night Duncan tells him he’s running away, Logan wants to say something.
Because this is quite possibly the last time he’ll see his best friend and now that he knows he might lose him forever, Logan sees how much he means to him. Despite the fact that they are not the same as before, they are still best friends, just different; and that’s okay because they are not the same person’s they were back then, and they’ll never be again. They can’t be what they were then, because they can’t be who they were then; because Lilly is dead and Veronica was from the both of them, and Aaron killed Lilly and Meg died and Felix was murdered on the bridge. They can’t forget that there was a time last year when Logan thought Duncan killed Lilly and Duncan thought that Logan might have.
‘Do you remember when we first met?’
‘I remember that you were incredibly annoying, Logan, always wanting people to pay attention to you. Didn’t you poor glue over that one girl’s sweater when she wouldn’t play with you?’
‘Yeah, how easy it was back then, you know, how we could simply play and fix things with an I’m sorry.’
‘Yeah, wish we could go back. Back to who we were.’
They spend the rest of the time remembering how they once were, but Logan doesn’t think the conversation will ever truly matter; he doesn’t know how to say goodbye, he’s never had to. Lilly died with only an insult for him the last time they met and his mother left her lighter for him truth, but she did not bid him goodbye. He wants to be able to say goodbye to Duncan, his best friend his brother, but he’s afraid if he does he’ll accept the fact that they’ll probably never meet again, and he’s not quite sure how he can live without Duncan. Then again he also thought he couldn’t live without Lilly and here he still is, though he is not always sure that what he has been doing for the past couple of years was actually living and not just existing.
They talk and laugh, they reminisce; they remember how it once was, how they always thought it would be.
When the sun begins to come up and the light shines trough the windows, Logan knows they’re running out of time, and though he had wished for the night to last a long time; he knew it never would. They get ready for school without actually saying a word; Duncan grabs the bag he made yesterday, everything he needs is with him. If he forget something he’ll have to say goodbye to it forever, for it can never be send behind him; can never be returned to him, it will stay here forever. Logan knows he has to say something, if he doesn’t he’ll regret it later.
‘DK. You be careful out there alright? Don’t get caught, don’t fancy seeing you in jail. And I’ll miss you. You were the best friend I could have asked for all those years and well that’s it.’
‘I will be, you be careful as well. You’ve always been a bit reckless, just don’t act impulsively. Always think before you act, take care of Veronica, make sure she’s safe. Make sure that Aaron pays for what he did, and remember that no matter where I go or what happens, you are my best friend.’
They hug (a manly kind of hug) before Duncan walks away, and he knows they won’t meet again.
‘Goodbye Logan.’
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Duncan in reality doesn’t tell him that he is leaving, Logan just finds out when the police ask him, and realizes the truth when he finds himself alone in their room. As he sits there he remember yesterday, which had seemed like just another day between two friends. Still there are things that he couldn’t understand yesterday that he does now, like Duncan telling him to be careful or that they are best friends. He even said goodbye, and told him he’d see him later. He didn’t understand then, but he understands now; it was Duncan’s only way he could say goodbye, without telling hi the full plan.
Logan wished he had know, because now all Duncan was, is another name to add to the list of people who left without saying goodbye.
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