Originally the idea I had in my head was just of Duncan seeing Logan and Veronica at the Sadie Hawkins dance. Someone had posted on the VM board at fanforum that the two of them were so wrapped up in each other at that dance (though they weren’t together at the time) they probably wouldn’t even have noticed if Duncan had turned up at the dance with Baby Lilly. That's what spawned the idea for this. I couldn’t work the baby in though (a baby at the Sadie Hawkins Dance?! Uhhh…maybe not), so that’s why Lizzie was in there. I didn’t set out to have them romantically involved or anything, and I’m not *too* attached to having her there except as a a surprise at the end. What I mean is, she doesn’t need to be at the dance, so I’ll change some stuff round. I needed something to snap Duncan out of his staring and move him along (away from the dance, away from Logan and Veronica, etc), which is where the voice asking him if he was ready to go was for. You’re right though, I definitely need to tweak that!
I’m going to work on the description of Duncan a little more (and how he’s changed in appearance) - like him or no, he is quite distinctive-looking and he’d probably be conspicuous - I reckon Logan and Veronica might not have noticed him (being so wrapped up in each other), but I never really factored in the other kids at the dance, who probably weren’t staring at L and V so intently they missed the fugitive standing in their midst! I had in a bit near the middle about nobody being as oblivious as high school kids, but you’re probably right about Duncan being recognised without some more of a “disguise”. I’ll work on that… ;-)
I’ll take out the majority of the song lyrics, add in “Duncan’s” (ok, my ;-)) opinions on why the song is so perfect for L/V. I kinda felt it making the text a little awkward, but wasn’t sure so I left it all in there to start off with.
I think what intrigued me about the idea to begin with was that L and V weren’t technically together at this point, and though everyone else at school probably knew that, Duncan (who’d been away from Neptune for almost 4 months at this point) didn’t really know that they hadn’t gotten back together. So it’s obvious to him (as an outsider) that they’re meant to be together, only they don’t know it yet themselves. I didn’t want to reveal Duncan as the narrator until fairly close to the end, mainly because I wanted the element of surprise, and also because I wanted to stick in that bit about him (D) being aware that Logan and Veronica would never notice he was there in the shadows, because they only could see each other.
Ok, you’ve given me a lot to think about and some very helpful suggestions - if it’s still alright would you be up for reading the revised draft when I’ve finished with it? I do have quite a few changes to make though. xx
Hey, I've finished my revised version - you ok to read it? Being totally long-winded and incapable of brevity, I've also got an explanation for why I've completely changed the ending. xx
I’m going to work on the description of Duncan a little more (and how he’s changed in appearance) - like him or no, he is quite distinctive-looking and he’d probably be conspicuous - I reckon Logan and Veronica might not have noticed him (being so wrapped up in each other), but I never really factored in the other kids at the dance, who probably weren’t staring at L and V so intently they missed the fugitive standing in their midst! I had in a bit near the middle about nobody being as oblivious as high school kids, but you’re probably right about Duncan being recognised without some more of a “disguise”. I’ll work on that… ;-)
I’ll take out the majority of the song lyrics, add in “Duncan’s” (ok, my ;-)) opinions on why the song is so perfect for L/V. I kinda felt it making the text a little awkward, but wasn’t sure so I left it all in there to start off with.
I think what intrigued me about the idea to begin with was that L and V weren’t technically together at this point, and though everyone else at school probably knew that, Duncan (who’d been away from Neptune for almost 4 months at this point) didn’t really know that they hadn’t gotten back together. So it’s obvious to him (as an outsider) that they’re meant to be together, only they don’t know it yet themselves. I didn’t want to reveal Duncan as the narrator until fairly close to the end, mainly because I wanted the element of surprise, and also because I wanted to stick in that bit about him (D) being aware that Logan and Veronica would never notice he was there in the shadows, because they only could see each other.
Ok, you’ve given me a lot to think about and some very helpful suggestions - if it’s still alright would you be up for reading the revised draft when I’ve finished with it? I do have quite a few changes to make though. xx
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