Fic The End of Fear is Where We Begin

[macolly]

Title: The End of Fear is Where We Begin
Author:  macolly

Pairing/Characters:  Lo/Ve / Logan,Keith,Veronica, a little Wallace
Word Count: ~3800
Rating: M/R Because Wallace says a very bad word
Summary: Keith spies a drunken Logan in a bar.
SPoilers: Season Three to date
Warnings: None it's complete fluff.
Disclaimer:  This is the part where I say its not

Comments

Part Three

[mastermia]

Some parts that I really liked included:

“I’m fine really; I don’t need any more Mars’s obliging themselves to me out of guilt and nothing more. Thanks, but no thanks. I have a plan worked out with the bar tender.” Great dialog! It is clear, shows great grasp of the character and I could hear Logan speaking the words.

Not here alone in a non-descript bar with nary a friend or floozy in sight. I loved this. So true and funny and something the Keith might notice.

Doesn’t ever want to talk either, just tilts her angelic head, bats her eyes and occupies me in other ways.” Again, spot on voice.

Keith’s Adam-apple takes a rough bob as he swallows to consider his next words closely. Great description.

And although his logic begins to kick in that Logan wasn’t fighting back, and it’s all a twisted ploy to goad Keith in to hurting him, it isn’t until he hears another familiar voice that he lets up. Great use of commas and a strong visual.

“The kid with the bad hair?” Keith clarifies, and Wallace nods. Ha!

As he drives home he never thought to ask Wallace how he found Logan the first time, and he is a little grateful that for his daughter and now Logan that there is a Wallace Fennel in this world. Aww! He loves him so Wallace too, because he is the best BFF evah!

After entering his apartment, Keith looks over at the couch, but then decides that a bed is a better place for Logan, and so he leads him into Veronica’s room, and the irony of the situation hits him, and Keith has to keep himself from laughing. Nice moment.

“Wait, you’re telling me that you know nothing of a drunk, banged up, passed out, Logan my ex-boyfriend, boy sleeping in my bed. Did he somehow just poof appear here?” And this sounds like Veronica. In fact, the banter between them was really nice in general.

If you improved this much already I am sure that you will be cranking out very impressive fics in no time. There is a list of people willing to beta on a regular basis that you might take advantage of, and try to find someone strong in grammar, then all your shiny ideas and thoughts will be able to be enjoyed without any distractions. Great work.

Re: Part Three

[macolly]

Thank you once again, I felt I improved, and am glad that it showed. I really am gracious for your remarks on my content, characterization, and context, I can completely see what I am losing. I hope restructure, and post again. Of course now my little muse is scratching at a different story.

Also where is this list of willing grammar betas? However, I like your honesty with context, and hope that I can turn to you on those matters. If too many story writers are seeking your service, well I can absolutely understand that.

Cheers

Re: Part Three

[mastermia]

Hi,

You certainly did improve and it showed. Congrats. I look forward to seeing your revised piece. And if your muse is that active, take advantage of it. Mine went to Tahiti a while ago and I have not seen her in ages.

The editors rotate here at vm_betas so what you post here could be reviewed by any of us. If there is something specific that you want me to beta you can e-mail me at mastermia[ @ ] livejournal [dot] com with vm_beta as a subject line.