TITLE: ALL SHOOK UP...part 4
TITLE: ALL SHOOK UP
AUTHOR: VNapier
PAIRING: Ennis/Jack
RATING: R - NC17
FEEDBACK: Always. E mail me at BBMFAN@ZOOMINTERNET.NET
DISCLAIMERS: Standard disclaimers. The characters are not mine, but the story is.
SUMMARY: This is a sequel to 'If Anyone Can Show Just Cause, Speak Now...' and 'Til Death Do Us Part'. Those stories can be found on my
livejournal at http://vln-bbmfan.livejournal.com/
part 1 - http://vln-bbmfan.livejournal.com/23041.html
part 2 - http://vln-bbmfan.livejournal.com/23455.html
part 3 - http://vln-bbmfan.livejournal.com/23618.html
Ennis speared the carrot on his plate a little too hard. Not only did it break away from the fork's tines, but part of it ended up wedged into the pile of green peas. The tension in the air could compete in thickness with the heavy cream gravy that smothered the mound of mashed potatoes nestled on the other side of the roasted chicken breast. It had been this way since he arrived to a greeting of forced smiles, highlighting a week that had already been filled with apprehension over this very Sunday dinner and the potential conflict his presence might bring.
On Wednesday afternoon he had left behind any doubts that Bert's wife had overheard him and would make trouble over sharing dinner with a queer. However, when he arrived only to be told that Bert and his family had left the day before, his apprehensions proliferated, until he couldn't remain silent any longer. "One a you gonna tell me what's wrong?"
"There's nothing wrong," Thelma said a little too quickly, a little too cheerfully, and with a little too much interest in whipping a the remaining bit of gravy into a fluffy merengue. "Why would you think anything is wrong?"
"Thelma," Elmer warned.
"Elmer," she warned right back.
"Reckon it's good that ya still know who ya are, but that don't answer my question." Forcing conversations was not something he was used to, but he had to know. "This got anythin' ta do with yer boy an' his family comin' up for a couple a weeks, an' then leavin' after less'n one?"
"Ennis, we told you that they just went over to the Dakotas to do some sightseeing. Gwen really wanted to see Mount Rushmore, and-"
"Thelma, Ennis has the right to know the truth."
For the first time ever, Ennis saw Thelma look at Elmer with something other than love; something he recognized all too well - fear. In that look, he found the truth. "They left 'cause a me bein' queer." Not a question, a statement.
"It isn't you're fault, Ennis," Elmer said sadly.
"The hell it ain't," Ennis objected fiercely, threw down his fork and stalked away from the dining room table, unknowingly seeking refuge kitchen he had come to consider more of home than any place since his momma was killed. "Shoulda kept my fuckin' mouth shut. Been tellin' Jack there ain't no way fer two men-"
"Don't you ever say that, Ennis del Mar!" Thelma appeared at his side, futilely wiping away tears, only to have more fall from eyes red filled with pain and anger. "You have every right to tell Jack how you feel."
"Don't neither!" All the hope that he had managed to build up around his heart began falling away. "Queers ain't got no rights ta be nothin' but dead."
Fuck it all, he was going to lose Jack. Not to some jungle soldier in Vietnam, not to some broken ground that could swallow a man whole, but to the same hatred that had destroyed his family, destroyed his past, destroyed his future. "Ain't never gonna let us be."
"Ennis, listen to me, please," Elmer pleaded. "Gwen isn't like that, not really. It's just that she...she was hurt very badly by her first husband."
Angry, Ennis stared over at his friend. "What's that gotta do with me an' Jack?"
Elmer took a ragged breath. He looked so much older than he had just a week ago, older, more worn down, just plain tired. "Coffee smells like it's finished. Would you sit down so we can talk about this?"
Ennis nodded and sat down at the small kitchen table, unable to deny such a simple request, but unwillingly to relinquish the comfort of the kitchen to return to the dining room. Elmer could talk, and he would listen, but it wouldn't change anything. There was no way for two men to love each other in this world, and it had been nothing short of pure foolishness for him to start thinking they could.
While Elmer got settled across from him, Thelma placed a steaming cup in front of Ennis. Even with his heart so heavy, Ennis couldn't completely squelch the smile in his heart when he dipped that spoon of sugar into the dark liquid and watched it melt together. He clenched his eyes shut as the pain of what could never be disappeared along with the white granules.
"Ennis, there isn't any easy way to say this, but Gwen's first husband, well, he was queer. She didn't have any idea until a few years ago. Once she knew, he admitted that he only married her to keep anyone from suspecting."
Ennis bowed his head, remembering Alma and all the pain he had caused her, and thinking on all the pain that might have been if Jack hadn't come along when he did. "Come close ta doin' somethin' like that, too."
"I'm so grateful that Jack stopped you from making that mistake." Thelma sighed. "It's not fair that you and Jack can't show your love for each other like any man and woman would be allowed to do, but there's got to be some other option besides being cruel to innocent woman who won't ever be loved like a spouse should be."
While Ennis knew he wasn't the sharpest tack in the box when it came to book learning stuff, he couldn't believe that anyone would be upset enough over that to leave someplace they'd driven halfway across the country to get. "What ain't ya tellin' me?"
Elmer sighed, looking even more drained, if that was possible. "Gwen found out about Jerry, that's her first husband, when she came home early from work one day because she wasn't feeling well. Her mother watched Lindsey while Gwen and Jerry were at work. She had planned to lie down for a while and then pick up Lindsey as usual, only...Jerry was already there, with another man, having sex in their bed."
Ennis stared down into the darkness of his coffee, unable to shake off the sudden chill of his own nightmare. Too many times since he had left Alma at the alter he had awoke in a cold sweat, with fresh images of him and Jack, going at it like they was prone to do, the motel room door wide open, and shocked eyes staring at them swirling in his mind.
Sometimes it was Alma; sometimes it was his momma; a time or two it had even been Thelma and the old ladies from down at the market. The only time the expressions were something other than profound disapproval was when it was his daddy, or K.E., or C.C., or even the face he had come to associate in his head with John Twist. Then there was nothing but pure hatred and the desire to kill in those eyes. But even then, it was him and Jack doing the things that was bringing judgment down on them.
"I ain't that Jerry fella."
"No, you're not," Elmer agreed. "That's what we tried to get Gwen to see."
Thelma reached over and grasped Ennis' forearm. "Gwen really likes you, Ennis. She was so grateful for the advice you gave Elmer, getting him to see that he was being unfair to Bert and to Gwen by withholding his approval for their relationship. She was just so upset with herself for being taken in by another..." The hand on his arm gave a firm squeeze. "It wasn't just the adultery. Gwen lost her baby, and Jerry's in prison."
Ennis looked up into the tormented eyes of someone he hated to see hurting. "He hit 'er?"
Elmer's deeper voice gave the answer. "No. The other man reacted very badly to the interruption. He shoved Gwen aside when he was leaving, and Gwen fell. She...she hadn't been feeling well because she was pregnant. She didn't know about the baby until she miscarried. Jerry went over to this other man's house, they fought, and the other man ended up dead. Jerry is in prison for manslaughter."
Thelma picked up the story from there. "A couple of months ago, Jerry found out about Gwen and Bert's relationship. He wrote to Bert and asked him to come to the prison. Bert went, and Jerry offered to give up fighting for his paternal rights to Lindsey if Bert would agree to adopt her. He told Bert that he didn't want his daughter suffering because of what he was, but he didn't want her to feel abandoned, either."
After hearing all this, Ennis could more easily understand Gwen's reaction, but what bothered him most was that she had not left alone. "What about yer boy? How's he feel 'bout his folks bein' so friendly with a couple a queers?"
Elmer and Thelma exchanged a worried glance, and a non-verbal disagreement similar to what had preceded the revelations about Gwen. "We won't lie to you, Ennis. Bert is struggling with it, too. He loves Gwen, and he knows of the pain she's suffered because of Jerry being queer. He's also dealing with the same issues that Thelma and I faced when we first figured out about Jack. I'm ashamed to say that it took us a lot of thought and prayer to reject what we had been led to believe for so long, even though we had learned first hand that it was not the truth."
Being reminded that the Fleishman's acceptance had not been immediately forthcoming was difficult, but Ennis could hardly judge them when he was the one that was queer and it had taken a whole lot longer for him to come to the same conclusions about Jack and himself. Even now, he couldn't swear that he didn't feel some amount of hatred because of what he was. Some days, the only thing that made it bearable was knowing that if he wasn't queer, then he wouldn't have Jack.
"Bert will come around, once he's had time to step back and think about things on a more rational footing," Elmer added with conviction.
"What makes ya so sure?" Ennis voiced his doubt.
"Because one of the last things Bert said to me before they left was that he damned Jerry to hell for what he had done to Gwen. The lies when he met her, the deceptions that allowed them to marry, and the infidelities he brazenly had in their home; evidently that wasn't the first man Jerry had brought home. According to what Jerry told Bert, they considered it some kind of twisted justice to have sex in the bed they felt he was forced into sharing with Gwen."
"That don't make no sense," Ennis objected. "Wasn't like she done nothin' wrong. She didn't know he was queer. Didn't hold no gun ta his head ta make 'im marry her, neither."
"No, but evidently just as Gwen is holding all queer men accountable for Jerry's actions, Jerry sees women as the biggest reason that society condemns him for being queer. He actually told Bert that he resented women because they were considered acceptable spouses, when the men he could love were not. He said a lot of queer men felt the same way."
Ennis had never thought about it, but even now that he held little hope for ever having a meaningful life with Jack, he couldn't find any real sense in blaming women for not being men. He considered Thelma, and even Delilah, two women who had been willing to reject what they had always been told was the way things were to accept what they had found out on their own to be true.
"The important thing is that Bert never said anything against you personally, just the men that helped Jerry hurt Gwen. He was upset because Gwen was upset, and that's why he said they were leaving. I know my son," Elmer assured Ennis. "He's not a bigot at heart. I might be wrong, but I don't believe that Gwen is, either."
When Thelma spoke, her voice was more steady, more confident. "Gwen has always believed that what Jerry did to her was because he was queer. She's wrong, of course. Heaven knows that men being unfaithful to their wives with other women is nothing new, or even women being unfaithful to their husbands with other men. That doesn't mean all marriages are doomed to fail because some spouses commit adultery."
It was hard, trying to convince himself that there was any hope of Elmer and Thelma keeping their son's love and respect if they continued their friendship with Ennis. They shouldn't have to suffer for what he was. "Ain't yer fight," he said, hoping to free them from the obligation he knew they felt towards him.
"That's where you're wrong, Ennis," Elmer stated with a ferocity that brokered no argument. "Oppression of any kind is everyone's fight."
"Well, if yer expectin' a whole lot a folks 'round here to get all riled up 'bout a couple a queers bein' done wrong, then yer gonna be real disappointed," Ennis snapped bitterly. He respected Elmer probably more than anyone else, so he couldn't let them go on thinking that it was something they could change. Couldn't no one change the way things had always been. "Ain't no one gonna stand up fer no queer."
Elmer shook his head and got up. "We did," he said softly, then took his coffee cup to the sink and filled it with water. Looking out the window he added, "We are."
"An that ain't right, choosin' against yer own boy."
At those softly spoken words, Elmer spun around, his eyes flashing with a rage barely controlled. "We are *not* choosing against our own son. What we *are* choosing against is prejudice!" After a slight pause to gather himself, Elmer continued. "We always shielded our boys as best we could from the onslaught of bigotry, but Matt had nightmares for years. Bert was only eight when we left Ohio. He doesn't remember..."
"He remembers," Thelma corrected softly, but did not elaborate further. "Ennis, we love our boys more than anything, but part of loving them is not looking the other way when they are in the wrong. When Matt and Bert were little, we taught them and guided them. Now that they are grown, all we can do is be honest with them and allow them to be honest with us, trusting that the love and respect we share eventually lead us all in the right direction. You're our friend, and so is Jack, and that isn't going to change, anymore than our love for our sons will ever change."
Ennis lifted the ceramic cup to his lips, not caring that the coffee would be bitter and cold. He was used to doing without the better things in life. However, it was a cool sweetness that filled his mouth.
He had forgotten about the sugar that he only used when he was here. He had forgot that the blackness didn't just swallow it up the pure whiteness, hiding it away under a sea of bitterness. No, the dark and the white blended together, becoming one, the best of both coming together to make something better than either could ever be by themselves.
Jack was his sugar, Jack and Elmer and Thelma and Rich. They never judged him, even though he could be as bitter as cold coffee. They just opened their hearts and shared all their hopes and optimism, and sometimes, when he was all alone, he felt like some of that goodness was still with him, blended with his heart, giving him a faith that he would not otherwise possess.
The phone rang, and Ennis waited for Elmer to answer it. He watched the frown turn into a genuine smile, and heard the despair fall out of his voice as he told Jack how happy he was to hear from him. Even Thelma, just looking on, seemed to spring back to life, finding strength just from seeing her husband's response to Jack's voice.
Was that what they saw when he was the one talking to Jack? Did they somehow know how much he needed Jack, that he wasn't strong enough to do any of this on his own? Did they know of the constant battle that raged inside him, of the hope that fed on all they gave him, even as it sought the familiarity of the despair that his father had instilled in him every day of his life, even after the man was dead and buried?
How could they possibly know easily he understood Bert's disdain, even when it angered and embittered him at the same time? How could they know how much he had come to resent the man he was when he went up on Brokeback, looking for nothing more than a job and the few dollars that came with it? How could they possibly understand how desperately he wanted to be the kind of man who could make plans for the day Jack came back, and how utterly terrified he was of becoming that man?
Through the haze of his muddled thoughts, he felt his fingers grasping around the hard plastic of the telephone receiver, and heard a muffled voice coming from the earpiece.
"Ya there, Cowboy?"
In those enticingly euphonious words, Ennis found his peace - Jack knew. Somehow, Jack had always known, and yet he still loved him. Nothing else mattered.
"I'm here, Bud," Ennis breathed through is relief.
TBC...
AUTHOR: VNapier
PAIRING: Ennis/Jack
RATING: R - NC17
FEEDBACK: Always. E mail me at BBMFAN@ZOOMINTERNET.NET
DISCLAIMERS: Standard disclaimers. The characters are not mine, but the story is.
SUMMARY: This is a sequel to 'If Anyone Can Show Just Cause, Speak Now...' and 'Til Death Do Us Part'. Those stories can be found on my
livejournal at http://vln-bbmfan.livejournal.com/
part 1 - http://vln-bbmfan.livejournal.com/23041.html
part 2 - http://vln-bbmfan.livejournal.com/23455.html
part 3 - http://vln-bbmfan.livejournal.com/23618.html
Ennis speared the carrot on his plate a little too hard. Not only did it break away from the fork's tines, but part of it ended up wedged into the pile of green peas. The tension in the air could compete in thickness with the heavy cream gravy that smothered the mound of mashed potatoes nestled on the other side of the roasted chicken breast. It had been this way since he arrived to a greeting of forced smiles, highlighting a week that had already been filled with apprehension over this very Sunday dinner and the potential conflict his presence might bring.
On Wednesday afternoon he had left behind any doubts that Bert's wife had overheard him and would make trouble over sharing dinner with a queer. However, when he arrived only to be told that Bert and his family had left the day before, his apprehensions proliferated, until he couldn't remain silent any longer. "One a you gonna tell me what's wrong?"
"There's nothing wrong," Thelma said a little too quickly, a little too cheerfully, and with a little too much interest in whipping a the remaining bit of gravy into a fluffy merengue. "Why would you think anything is wrong?"
"Thelma," Elmer warned.
"Elmer," she warned right back.
"Reckon it's good that ya still know who ya are, but that don't answer my question." Forcing conversations was not something he was used to, but he had to know. "This got anythin' ta do with yer boy an' his family comin' up for a couple a weeks, an' then leavin' after less'n one?"
"Ennis, we told you that they just went over to the Dakotas to do some sightseeing. Gwen really wanted to see Mount Rushmore, and-"
"Thelma, Ennis has the right to know the truth."
For the first time ever, Ennis saw Thelma look at Elmer with something other than love; something he recognized all too well - fear. In that look, he found the truth. "They left 'cause a me bein' queer." Not a question, a statement.
"It isn't you're fault, Ennis," Elmer said sadly.
"The hell it ain't," Ennis objected fiercely, threw down his fork and stalked away from the dining room table, unknowingly seeking refuge kitchen he had come to consider more of home than any place since his momma was killed. "Shoulda kept my fuckin' mouth shut. Been tellin' Jack there ain't no way fer two men-"
"Don't you ever say that, Ennis del Mar!" Thelma appeared at his side, futilely wiping away tears, only to have more fall from eyes red filled with pain and anger. "You have every right to tell Jack how you feel."
"Don't neither!" All the hope that he had managed to build up around his heart began falling away. "Queers ain't got no rights ta be nothin' but dead."
Fuck it all, he was going to lose Jack. Not to some jungle soldier in Vietnam, not to some broken ground that could swallow a man whole, but to the same hatred that had destroyed his family, destroyed his past, destroyed his future. "Ain't never gonna let us be."
"Ennis, listen to me, please," Elmer pleaded. "Gwen isn't like that, not really. It's just that she...she was hurt very badly by her first husband."
Angry, Ennis stared over at his friend. "What's that gotta do with me an' Jack?"
Elmer took a ragged breath. He looked so much older than he had just a week ago, older, more worn down, just plain tired. "Coffee smells like it's finished. Would you sit down so we can talk about this?"
Ennis nodded and sat down at the small kitchen table, unable to deny such a simple request, but unwillingly to relinquish the comfort of the kitchen to return to the dining room. Elmer could talk, and he would listen, but it wouldn't change anything. There was no way for two men to love each other in this world, and it had been nothing short of pure foolishness for him to start thinking they could.
While Elmer got settled across from him, Thelma placed a steaming cup in front of Ennis. Even with his heart so heavy, Ennis couldn't completely squelch the smile in his heart when he dipped that spoon of sugar into the dark liquid and watched it melt together. He clenched his eyes shut as the pain of what could never be disappeared along with the white granules.
"Ennis, there isn't any easy way to say this, but Gwen's first husband, well, he was queer. She didn't have any idea until a few years ago. Once she knew, he admitted that he only married her to keep anyone from suspecting."
Ennis bowed his head, remembering Alma and all the pain he had caused her, and thinking on all the pain that might have been if Jack hadn't come along when he did. "Come close ta doin' somethin' like that, too."
"I'm so grateful that Jack stopped you from making that mistake." Thelma sighed. "It's not fair that you and Jack can't show your love for each other like any man and woman would be allowed to do, but there's got to be some other option besides being cruel to innocent woman who won't ever be loved like a spouse should be."
While Ennis knew he wasn't the sharpest tack in the box when it came to book learning stuff, he couldn't believe that anyone would be upset enough over that to leave someplace they'd driven halfway across the country to get. "What ain't ya tellin' me?"
Elmer sighed, looking even more drained, if that was possible. "Gwen found out about Jerry, that's her first husband, when she came home early from work one day because she wasn't feeling well. Her mother watched Lindsey while Gwen and Jerry were at work. She had planned to lie down for a while and then pick up Lindsey as usual, only...Jerry was already there, with another man, having sex in their bed."
Ennis stared down into the darkness of his coffee, unable to shake off the sudden chill of his own nightmare. Too many times since he had left Alma at the alter he had awoke in a cold sweat, with fresh images of him and Jack, going at it like they was prone to do, the motel room door wide open, and shocked eyes staring at them swirling in his mind.
Sometimes it was Alma; sometimes it was his momma; a time or two it had even been Thelma and the old ladies from down at the market. The only time the expressions were something other than profound disapproval was when it was his daddy, or K.E., or C.C., or even the face he had come to associate in his head with John Twist. Then there was nothing but pure hatred and the desire to kill in those eyes. But even then, it was him and Jack doing the things that was bringing judgment down on them.
"I ain't that Jerry fella."
"No, you're not," Elmer agreed. "That's what we tried to get Gwen to see."
Thelma reached over and grasped Ennis' forearm. "Gwen really likes you, Ennis. She was so grateful for the advice you gave Elmer, getting him to see that he was being unfair to Bert and to Gwen by withholding his approval for their relationship. She was just so upset with herself for being taken in by another..." The hand on his arm gave a firm squeeze. "It wasn't just the adultery. Gwen lost her baby, and Jerry's in prison."
Ennis looked up into the tormented eyes of someone he hated to see hurting. "He hit 'er?"
Elmer's deeper voice gave the answer. "No. The other man reacted very badly to the interruption. He shoved Gwen aside when he was leaving, and Gwen fell. She...she hadn't been feeling well because she was pregnant. She didn't know about the baby until she miscarried. Jerry went over to this other man's house, they fought, and the other man ended up dead. Jerry is in prison for manslaughter."
Thelma picked up the story from there. "A couple of months ago, Jerry found out about Gwen and Bert's relationship. He wrote to Bert and asked him to come to the prison. Bert went, and Jerry offered to give up fighting for his paternal rights to Lindsey if Bert would agree to adopt her. He told Bert that he didn't want his daughter suffering because of what he was, but he didn't want her to feel abandoned, either."
After hearing all this, Ennis could more easily understand Gwen's reaction, but what bothered him most was that she had not left alone. "What about yer boy? How's he feel 'bout his folks bein' so friendly with a couple a queers?"
Elmer and Thelma exchanged a worried glance, and a non-verbal disagreement similar to what had preceded the revelations about Gwen. "We won't lie to you, Ennis. Bert is struggling with it, too. He loves Gwen, and he knows of the pain she's suffered because of Jerry being queer. He's also dealing with the same issues that Thelma and I faced when we first figured out about Jack. I'm ashamed to say that it took us a lot of thought and prayer to reject what we had been led to believe for so long, even though we had learned first hand that it was not the truth."
Being reminded that the Fleishman's acceptance had not been immediately forthcoming was difficult, but Ennis could hardly judge them when he was the one that was queer and it had taken a whole lot longer for him to come to the same conclusions about Jack and himself. Even now, he couldn't swear that he didn't feel some amount of hatred because of what he was. Some days, the only thing that made it bearable was knowing that if he wasn't queer, then he wouldn't have Jack.
"Bert will come around, once he's had time to step back and think about things on a more rational footing," Elmer added with conviction.
"What makes ya so sure?" Ennis voiced his doubt.
"Because one of the last things Bert said to me before they left was that he damned Jerry to hell for what he had done to Gwen. The lies when he met her, the deceptions that allowed them to marry, and the infidelities he brazenly had in their home; evidently that wasn't the first man Jerry had brought home. According to what Jerry told Bert, they considered it some kind of twisted justice to have sex in the bed they felt he was forced into sharing with Gwen."
"That don't make no sense," Ennis objected. "Wasn't like she done nothin' wrong. She didn't know he was queer. Didn't hold no gun ta his head ta make 'im marry her, neither."
"No, but evidently just as Gwen is holding all queer men accountable for Jerry's actions, Jerry sees women as the biggest reason that society condemns him for being queer. He actually told Bert that he resented women because they were considered acceptable spouses, when the men he could love were not. He said a lot of queer men felt the same way."
Ennis had never thought about it, but even now that he held little hope for ever having a meaningful life with Jack, he couldn't find any real sense in blaming women for not being men. He considered Thelma, and even Delilah, two women who had been willing to reject what they had always been told was the way things were to accept what they had found out on their own to be true.
"The important thing is that Bert never said anything against you personally, just the men that helped Jerry hurt Gwen. He was upset because Gwen was upset, and that's why he said they were leaving. I know my son," Elmer assured Ennis. "He's not a bigot at heart. I might be wrong, but I don't believe that Gwen is, either."
When Thelma spoke, her voice was more steady, more confident. "Gwen has always believed that what Jerry did to her was because he was queer. She's wrong, of course. Heaven knows that men being unfaithful to their wives with other women is nothing new, or even women being unfaithful to their husbands with other men. That doesn't mean all marriages are doomed to fail because some spouses commit adultery."
It was hard, trying to convince himself that there was any hope of Elmer and Thelma keeping their son's love and respect if they continued their friendship with Ennis. They shouldn't have to suffer for what he was. "Ain't yer fight," he said, hoping to free them from the obligation he knew they felt towards him.
"That's where you're wrong, Ennis," Elmer stated with a ferocity that brokered no argument. "Oppression of any kind is everyone's fight."
"Well, if yer expectin' a whole lot a folks 'round here to get all riled up 'bout a couple a queers bein' done wrong, then yer gonna be real disappointed," Ennis snapped bitterly. He respected Elmer probably more than anyone else, so he couldn't let them go on thinking that it was something they could change. Couldn't no one change the way things had always been. "Ain't no one gonna stand up fer no queer."
Elmer shook his head and got up. "We did," he said softly, then took his coffee cup to the sink and filled it with water. Looking out the window he added, "We are."
"An that ain't right, choosin' against yer own boy."
At those softly spoken words, Elmer spun around, his eyes flashing with a rage barely controlled. "We are *not* choosing against our own son. What we *are* choosing against is prejudice!" After a slight pause to gather himself, Elmer continued. "We always shielded our boys as best we could from the onslaught of bigotry, but Matt had nightmares for years. Bert was only eight when we left Ohio. He doesn't remember..."
"He remembers," Thelma corrected softly, but did not elaborate further. "Ennis, we love our boys more than anything, but part of loving them is not looking the other way when they are in the wrong. When Matt and Bert were little, we taught them and guided them. Now that they are grown, all we can do is be honest with them and allow them to be honest with us, trusting that the love and respect we share eventually lead us all in the right direction. You're our friend, and so is Jack, and that isn't going to change, anymore than our love for our sons will ever change."
Ennis lifted the ceramic cup to his lips, not caring that the coffee would be bitter and cold. He was used to doing without the better things in life. However, it was a cool sweetness that filled his mouth.
He had forgotten about the sugar that he only used when he was here. He had forgot that the blackness didn't just swallow it up the pure whiteness, hiding it away under a sea of bitterness. No, the dark and the white blended together, becoming one, the best of both coming together to make something better than either could ever be by themselves.
Jack was his sugar, Jack and Elmer and Thelma and Rich. They never judged him, even though he could be as bitter as cold coffee. They just opened their hearts and shared all their hopes and optimism, and sometimes, when he was all alone, he felt like some of that goodness was still with him, blended with his heart, giving him a faith that he would not otherwise possess.
The phone rang, and Ennis waited for Elmer to answer it. He watched the frown turn into a genuine smile, and heard the despair fall out of his voice as he told Jack how happy he was to hear from him. Even Thelma, just looking on, seemed to spring back to life, finding strength just from seeing her husband's response to Jack's voice.
Was that what they saw when he was the one talking to Jack? Did they somehow know how much he needed Jack, that he wasn't strong enough to do any of this on his own? Did they know of the constant battle that raged inside him, of the hope that fed on all they gave him, even as it sought the familiarity of the despair that his father had instilled in him every day of his life, even after the man was dead and buried?
How could they possibly know easily he understood Bert's disdain, even when it angered and embittered him at the same time? How could they know how much he had come to resent the man he was when he went up on Brokeback, looking for nothing more than a job and the few dollars that came with it? How could they possibly understand how desperately he wanted to be the kind of man who could make plans for the day Jack came back, and how utterly terrified he was of becoming that man?
Through the haze of his muddled thoughts, he felt his fingers grasping around the hard plastic of the telephone receiver, and heard a muffled voice coming from the earpiece.
"Ya there, Cowboy?"
In those enticingly euphonious words, Ennis found his peace - Jack knew. Somehow, Jack had always known, and yet he still loved him. Nothing else mattered.
"I'm here, Bud," Ennis breathed through is relief.
TBC...