Fic: Sensory Deprivation: Touch (1/6) (Will/Emma, PG)
Title: Sensory Deprivation: Touch (1/6) (Will/Emma, PG)
Author: vlegal
Rating: PG
Pairing: Will/Emma
Summary: “Of course I don’t touch you, Em.”
Disclaimer: Glee and its characters are the property of Fox and Ryan Murphy. I intend no rights infringement.
Author's Note: Haven't written or posted in a while, so I hope there are still some interested readers out there. Don't know how long this is going to be or where it's going, but I think there will be more.
“So, this woman thinks just because her kid cried, the right thing for me to do is raise his mark from a D to a C+. I mean - oh, here, I grabbed us some napkins - really, if Thomas actually paid attention to half of what I said every other Tuesday, maybe he would be able to pull off that C on his own, you know?”
Emma nodded, accepting the proffered napkin, her fingers brushing Will’s.
“Sorry,” he said quietly, quickly pulling his hand back. “Anyways, his mom was having none of it. Starts going on about how misunderstood Thomas is and that he’s actually a secret genius and if I were a better teacher I’d know how to tap into it. Uh, lady? I know how to tap into it. Give your kid the marks he deserves until he quits being lazy. Who’s the secret genius now! Shoot, sorry…”
Emma’s knees had barely nudged Will’s before he scooted his chair back from the desk where they shared their lunch. It had been his idea to eat in his office, the staff lunchroom overrun by students’ contributions to an upcoming bake sale. Not a table was spared from cookies, cupcakes and other blobs of sugar and frosting. So much frosting. Everywhere. Sticking to everything. Will had noticed Emma bristle at the sight and quickly offered his desk as a safe haven.
“You’re fine,” Emma replied with a shake of her head. She was the one who had bumped him. And barely. They had to sit close in order to share the desk. Why was he apologizing? She narrowed her eyes at him for a moment, before urging him to continue. Though there was little point. She heard very little as he continued to chatter about the plights of Spanish II.
That had been happening to her a lot lately. Being in a room with Will, listening to him speak, but hearing absolutely nothing he said. She had always found his presence distracting, but now it seemed to be reaching a different level. His mouth would move while her mind would race with a thousand unanswered questions. Did he still love her? Did he know why Carl left? That he was the reason why Carl left? Were these lunchtime reunions, these reconnections of their friendship, as comforting and relieving to him as they were to her?
Her mind buzzed without pause. But no matter how many directions it spun in, one question always seemed to come back. A question reasserted by Will’s actions today.
Why didn’t he touch her anymore?
It’s not that she expected him to be touchy-feely. He had always been respectful of her, both when they were together and when they…weren’t. But something was still missing. A hand at her lower back as she passed through a doorway before him. Legs brushing under the table during an overcrowded staff meeting. Fingers at her shoulder, elbow, knee to get her attention for a few whispered words at assemblies. He used to touch her easily. Comfortably. She wracked her brain, trying to find the most recent instance of a casual touch. She’d been pushed into his chest during a fire drill last week, but he’d quickly ushered some students out of the way, putting more space between them. She’d patted his shoulder when he got up to offer her his chair at lunch the other day, telling him to stay put. She remembered her fingers brushing his temple, ridding his hair of dandelion fluff on that windy afternoon a few weeks ago. But all of those occasions had been initiated by her. To think of an instance when he’d touched her first, she had to go back months. Before Christmas even.
She missed it. She missed him. She missed feeling that he was close during the day. She missed knowing that he cared about her. In the totally self-absorbed recesses of her brain, the touches were his way of saying he wanted her. That he couldn’t go through the day without touching her. It was silly and selfish and some would say she’d thrown it away, but she missed that feeling. She missed it more than she’d ever been willing to admit.
“Can I have another napkin?” she interrupted. She didn’t need one. But she wanted one from the neat little stack next to Will’s lunchbag. She could have easily reached over herself. Instead, she held out her hand, palm up and open. An experiment.
Will took the top sheet of folded paper from the stack and slid it across the desk, his fingers not even coming in the vicinity of hers. Until she turned her palm down and caught his hand before it could retreat.
Will’s eyes quickly met Emma’s and widened slightly. “What?”
Emma wasn’t sure how to answer. Her hypothesis had been right. He didn’t want to touch her. The reality made her heart break a little. But it didn’t stop her from tightening her grip when Will started to pull away again.
“Emma, what?” he asked with concern.
“I just…you…” She couldn’t find the words. She couldn’t just come out with all she was thinking, could she? Why didn’t he want to touch her? Had she done something? What if he didn’t feel for her what he used to anymore? What if he’d realized she was too much for him, too much trouble after all this time? He looked at her worriedly and tried to pull his hand away again.
“You don’t touch me anymore,” she said in a rush. Will froze and stopped pulling back, which oddly was what made Emma let go.
“What?”
“You never touch me,” she repeated quietly. Nope, coming right out with it was definitely a mistake. Will was looking at her like she was ridiculous. Which certainly matched how she felt.
Will smiled, but shook his head, “Of course I don’t touch you, Em.”
“Of course?” Of course??? “But…you used to.”
“I know, I know. I promise I won't anymore. I'm sorry if it ever made you anxious before or made things worse. And I want to do anything I can to help you with that. I would hate to set off a panic attack or something with these grubby paws,” he smirked and waggled his fingers in the air. “I can keep more distance, if you want. Do you think that would help?”
“No,” she stated, barely a whisper. He thought he was helping her? He was offering to get farther away? Even as he said it, he moved his chair back again. No no no no no…..
“No? Ok, is there something else I could do then? To make you more comfortable? I mean…we don’t have to keep eating lunch together. I know we’ve been spending more time together, and I really love it, but I can give you more space. I really don’t want to make things worse, Em.”
Her heart shattered more at his sincerity. And his misunderstanding. “No,” she said again, shaking her head. She was speaking more to herself than him. “No, no, no…”
“Ok, ok. I’m sorry. I just wish…there’s really nothing I can do?”
“No,” she said more forcefully. “No, you don’t make it worse. You’ve never made it worse. That’s why I missed it. Why I noticed. That you don’t touch me anymore.” Again, the words just tumbled out of her mouth, unexpected. They were the truth though.
“Wait. You mean…you want me to touch you?” Will gaped.
Emma’s nerve of a few seconds ago evaporated at the incredulous look he was giving her. Her brain sputtered and her eyes widened, unsure of how to answer him. She really hadn’t thought this far in all her mental spinning.
They stared unblinking at each other for a few seconds until Will finally broke the stillness. He pulled his chair back to where it had been before, only closer this time. He turned it slightly, facing her.
“How do you want me to touch you, Em?” His voice was lower, softer than before. His tone had completely changed. The question was just as impossible to answer as the one before, so Emma just continued to stare when Will leaned forward.
His right hand crossed the small space between them and rested on hers in her lap. Unable to move her eyes from his, she only felt his thumb warmly graze back and forth across her knuckles. “Like this?” he asked quietly.
He was barely touching her. And yet, Emma felt her entire body flush. This was exactly what she’d missed. She couldn’t help the smile that tugged at her lips as she gave Will a small nod. Smiling back, his eyes flitted from hers, to her lips, and then to a spot at the side of her face. He raised his unoccupied hand, pausing for a second before reaching out.
“What about this?” he asked. He held a lock of her hair between his fingers, stroking it like he had in her office almost a year ago. Only this time, he occasionally brushed her jaw as well. Emma felt goosebumps crawl up her neck. Yes, this was what she wanted. Not just the casual touches, but the ones that made her feel like they were the only people on the planet. She nodded again, after her eyes drifted shut for a moment.
A brief grin broke out on Will’s face, his other thumb running over her knuckles once more before sliding along her fingers. His eyes traveled down to her lap, causing Emma’s gaze to follow. Will’s hand moved slowly away from her hand, his palm coming to rest on her nyloned leg. His thumb found its place on her knee this time, stroking a small pattern.
“Is this ok?” His voice brought her eyes back to his face. The warmth of his hand on her thigh oddly made her want to shiver. She bit lightly at her lip instead and nodded to him again. Will’s smile brought colour to her cheeks. She unconsciously shifted in her seat, moving towards him. He kept touching her knee, not moving any further up her leg at her motion, not pressing for more.
He had been so careful not to press for more, Emma had noticed recently. He had been behind her, supporting her, through the tumultuous last few months. But he did nothing without invitation. Indication that she wanted his help or company or input. She knew he wanted to be her friend, wanted to be with her in any way possible, but he never pressed for more. Problem was, she realized as the skin over her kneecap started to tingle, she wanted more. She really, really wanted more.
Her breath caught in her throat when Will leaned forward. It was as though he was reading her mind. Like he suddenly knew exactly what she had been trying to say earlier. He shifted to the edge of his chair, his knee pressing against hers, the one not being caressed by his thumb. He paused for a second, locking eyes with her. Whether or not he could read her thoughts, there was only one thing running through Emma’s head in that moment: kissmekissmekissmekissmekissme…
Emma thought maybe he had heard her as his face came towards her, but was surprised when he tilted to the side slightly. She couldn’t help her eyes drifting closed as he brushed the hair he had been stroking back with gentle fingers. Will’s lips were warm and moist where they finally touched her neck. The shiver she had suppressed earlier rippled through her. He left two lingering kisses on her skin before she felt his breath below her ear.
“How about this?”
“Yes,” she whispered back. Though they were in his office, door closed, she felt raising her voice any higher would destroy the intimate bubble that had developed around them. She wanted nothing more than to sit with him like this forever, feeling his hands on her, holding her, touching her, in ways she’d only dreamed of for months.
The bubble burst a second later when the bell ending lunch rang harshly in the small room. The both jolted, Will pulling back quickly and running a hand nervously over the back of his neck.
“I should…uh…go…I’ve got a, um, class…” His sudden nervousness seemed misplaced considering how confident he’d been a moment ago. At the same time, Emma felt rather self-conscious herself. As Will hastily left the room, random stack of papers tucked under his arm, a new thought ran through Emma’s mind.
What just happened???
**************************************
Feedback always appreciated :)
Author: vlegal
Rating: PG
Pairing: Will/Emma
Summary: “Of course I don’t touch you, Em.”
Disclaimer: Glee and its characters are the property of Fox and Ryan Murphy. I intend no rights infringement.
Author's Note: Haven't written or posted in a while, so I hope there are still some interested readers out there. Don't know how long this is going to be or where it's going, but I think there will be more.
“So, this woman thinks just because her kid cried, the right thing for me to do is raise his mark from a D to a C+. I mean - oh, here, I grabbed us some napkins - really, if Thomas actually paid attention to half of what I said every other Tuesday, maybe he would be able to pull off that C on his own, you know?”
Emma nodded, accepting the proffered napkin, her fingers brushing Will’s.
“Sorry,” he said quietly, quickly pulling his hand back. “Anyways, his mom was having none of it. Starts going on about how misunderstood Thomas is and that he’s actually a secret genius and if I were a better teacher I’d know how to tap into it. Uh, lady? I know how to tap into it. Give your kid the marks he deserves until he quits being lazy. Who’s the secret genius now! Shoot, sorry…”
Emma’s knees had barely nudged Will’s before he scooted his chair back from the desk where they shared their lunch. It had been his idea to eat in his office, the staff lunchroom overrun by students’ contributions to an upcoming bake sale. Not a table was spared from cookies, cupcakes and other blobs of sugar and frosting. So much frosting. Everywhere. Sticking to everything. Will had noticed Emma bristle at the sight and quickly offered his desk as a safe haven.
“You’re fine,” Emma replied with a shake of her head. She was the one who had bumped him. And barely. They had to sit close in order to share the desk. Why was he apologizing? She narrowed her eyes at him for a moment, before urging him to continue. Though there was little point. She heard very little as he continued to chatter about the plights of Spanish II.
That had been happening to her a lot lately. Being in a room with Will, listening to him speak, but hearing absolutely nothing he said. She had always found his presence distracting, but now it seemed to be reaching a different level. His mouth would move while her mind would race with a thousand unanswered questions. Did he still love her? Did he know why Carl left? That he was the reason why Carl left? Were these lunchtime reunions, these reconnections of their friendship, as comforting and relieving to him as they were to her?
Her mind buzzed without pause. But no matter how many directions it spun in, one question always seemed to come back. A question reasserted by Will’s actions today.
Why didn’t he touch her anymore?
It’s not that she expected him to be touchy-feely. He had always been respectful of her, both when they were together and when they…weren’t. But something was still missing. A hand at her lower back as she passed through a doorway before him. Legs brushing under the table during an overcrowded staff meeting. Fingers at her shoulder, elbow, knee to get her attention for a few whispered words at assemblies. He used to touch her easily. Comfortably. She wracked her brain, trying to find the most recent instance of a casual touch. She’d been pushed into his chest during a fire drill last week, but he’d quickly ushered some students out of the way, putting more space between them. She’d patted his shoulder when he got up to offer her his chair at lunch the other day, telling him to stay put. She remembered her fingers brushing his temple, ridding his hair of dandelion fluff on that windy afternoon a few weeks ago. But all of those occasions had been initiated by her. To think of an instance when he’d touched her first, she had to go back months. Before Christmas even.
She missed it. She missed him. She missed feeling that he was close during the day. She missed knowing that he cared about her. In the totally self-absorbed recesses of her brain, the touches were his way of saying he wanted her. That he couldn’t go through the day without touching her. It was silly and selfish and some would say she’d thrown it away, but she missed that feeling. She missed it more than she’d ever been willing to admit.
“Can I have another napkin?” she interrupted. She didn’t need one. But she wanted one from the neat little stack next to Will’s lunchbag. She could have easily reached over herself. Instead, she held out her hand, palm up and open. An experiment.
Will took the top sheet of folded paper from the stack and slid it across the desk, his fingers not even coming in the vicinity of hers. Until she turned her palm down and caught his hand before it could retreat.
Will’s eyes quickly met Emma’s and widened slightly. “What?”
Emma wasn’t sure how to answer. Her hypothesis had been right. He didn’t want to touch her. The reality made her heart break a little. But it didn’t stop her from tightening her grip when Will started to pull away again.
“Emma, what?” he asked with concern.
“I just…you…” She couldn’t find the words. She couldn’t just come out with all she was thinking, could she? Why didn’t he want to touch her? Had she done something? What if he didn’t feel for her what he used to anymore? What if he’d realized she was too much for him, too much trouble after all this time? He looked at her worriedly and tried to pull his hand away again.
“You don’t touch me anymore,” she said in a rush. Will froze and stopped pulling back, which oddly was what made Emma let go.
“What?”
“You never touch me,” she repeated quietly. Nope, coming right out with it was definitely a mistake. Will was looking at her like she was ridiculous. Which certainly matched how she felt.
Will smiled, but shook his head, “Of course I don’t touch you, Em.”
“Of course?” Of course??? “But…you used to.”
“I know, I know. I promise I won't anymore. I'm sorry if it ever made you anxious before or made things worse. And I want to do anything I can to help you with that. I would hate to set off a panic attack or something with these grubby paws,” he smirked and waggled his fingers in the air. “I can keep more distance, if you want. Do you think that would help?”
“No,” she stated, barely a whisper. He thought he was helping her? He was offering to get farther away? Even as he said it, he moved his chair back again. No no no no no…..
“No? Ok, is there something else I could do then? To make you more comfortable? I mean…we don’t have to keep eating lunch together. I know we’ve been spending more time together, and I really love it, but I can give you more space. I really don’t want to make things worse, Em.”
Her heart shattered more at his sincerity. And his misunderstanding. “No,” she said again, shaking her head. She was speaking more to herself than him. “No, no, no…”
“Ok, ok. I’m sorry. I just wish…there’s really nothing I can do?”
“No,” she said more forcefully. “No, you don’t make it worse. You’ve never made it worse. That’s why I missed it. Why I noticed. That you don’t touch me anymore.” Again, the words just tumbled out of her mouth, unexpected. They were the truth though.
“Wait. You mean…you want me to touch you?” Will gaped.
Emma’s nerve of a few seconds ago evaporated at the incredulous look he was giving her. Her brain sputtered and her eyes widened, unsure of how to answer him. She really hadn’t thought this far in all her mental spinning.
They stared unblinking at each other for a few seconds until Will finally broke the stillness. He pulled his chair back to where it had been before, only closer this time. He turned it slightly, facing her.
“How do you want me to touch you, Em?” His voice was lower, softer than before. His tone had completely changed. The question was just as impossible to answer as the one before, so Emma just continued to stare when Will leaned forward.
His right hand crossed the small space between them and rested on hers in her lap. Unable to move her eyes from his, she only felt his thumb warmly graze back and forth across her knuckles. “Like this?” he asked quietly.
He was barely touching her. And yet, Emma felt her entire body flush. This was exactly what she’d missed. She couldn’t help the smile that tugged at her lips as she gave Will a small nod. Smiling back, his eyes flitted from hers, to her lips, and then to a spot at the side of her face. He raised his unoccupied hand, pausing for a second before reaching out.
“What about this?” he asked. He held a lock of her hair between his fingers, stroking it like he had in her office almost a year ago. Only this time, he occasionally brushed her jaw as well. Emma felt goosebumps crawl up her neck. Yes, this was what she wanted. Not just the casual touches, but the ones that made her feel like they were the only people on the planet. She nodded again, after her eyes drifted shut for a moment.
A brief grin broke out on Will’s face, his other thumb running over her knuckles once more before sliding along her fingers. His eyes traveled down to her lap, causing Emma’s gaze to follow. Will’s hand moved slowly away from her hand, his palm coming to rest on her nyloned leg. His thumb found its place on her knee this time, stroking a small pattern.
“Is this ok?” His voice brought her eyes back to his face. The warmth of his hand on her thigh oddly made her want to shiver. She bit lightly at her lip instead and nodded to him again. Will’s smile brought colour to her cheeks. She unconsciously shifted in her seat, moving towards him. He kept touching her knee, not moving any further up her leg at her motion, not pressing for more.
He had been so careful not to press for more, Emma had noticed recently. He had been behind her, supporting her, through the tumultuous last few months. But he did nothing without invitation. Indication that she wanted his help or company or input. She knew he wanted to be her friend, wanted to be with her in any way possible, but he never pressed for more. Problem was, she realized as the skin over her kneecap started to tingle, she wanted more. She really, really wanted more.
Her breath caught in her throat when Will leaned forward. It was as though he was reading her mind. Like he suddenly knew exactly what she had been trying to say earlier. He shifted to the edge of his chair, his knee pressing against hers, the one not being caressed by his thumb. He paused for a second, locking eyes with her. Whether or not he could read her thoughts, there was only one thing running through Emma’s head in that moment: kissmekissmekissmekissmekissme…
Emma thought maybe he had heard her as his face came towards her, but was surprised when he tilted to the side slightly. She couldn’t help her eyes drifting closed as he brushed the hair he had been stroking back with gentle fingers. Will’s lips were warm and moist where they finally touched her neck. The shiver she had suppressed earlier rippled through her. He left two lingering kisses on her skin before she felt his breath below her ear.
“How about this?”
“Yes,” she whispered back. Though they were in his office, door closed, she felt raising her voice any higher would destroy the intimate bubble that had developed around them. She wanted nothing more than to sit with him like this forever, feeling his hands on her, holding her, touching her, in ways she’d only dreamed of for months.
The bubble burst a second later when the bell ending lunch rang harshly in the small room. The both jolted, Will pulling back quickly and running a hand nervously over the back of his neck.
“I should…uh…go…I’ve got a, um, class…” His sudden nervousness seemed misplaced considering how confident he’d been a moment ago. At the same time, Emma felt rather self-conscious herself. As Will hastily left the room, random stack of papers tucked under his arm, a new thought ran through Emma’s mind.
What just happened???
**************************************
Feedback always appreciated :)