anxiety chokes me like razor wire
Today was really exhausting. At work the waitress really fucked up orders so more plates ended up coming to me. I was working the shift alone, so that means I had 10 other things to do. What ever happened to people who were efficient ? Nowadays everyone is fucking up. But eh. Tomorrow is my day off and in the morning I have to take placement exams for math and english. The English is a breeze but I havent taken math in almost 2 years, so I'm really nervous. Tomorrow I should be hanging out with Doug in the evening.
Over the past week or so I have been doing much pondering about my life and what purpose it has. Overall life has been very unfair to me, I've rolled with its punches long enough. I want to change things. But whenever I try to change things to the positive it just blows up in my face and I'm back to square one. I'm starting to wonder if being lonely, miserable and bitter is the way its supposed to be for me. I try to think otherwise, but everything that has happened to me up to this point has proved different. Sure there are a few girls that I like, but me having the slightest chance at a relationship seems very far. I'm just not a person that is liked. I'm brutally honest and for most of the shallow people in this world...well you get the idea. So since my honesty can piss people off (which is sometimes amusing) I usually just shut the hell up and dont say a word. But alas that dosent help as well.
As for the future (college/career) I dont have a clue. I thought I'd be all set with a teaching job, I'd have the summer off and work and make some extra money that way. But now I'm starting to have doubts. I dont care what I do, I just want to make good money, and not be miserable at my job. But it seems that not many people can have both good money and not be disgruntled. Unless you are your own boss, which would be really strange. I simply feel as if I'm just wasting my life and the time of others. I know how precious time is. I work a lot and dont have much time off. I come home around 12 or 1 in the morning (pending on how busy work was). I sit down at my computer and try to maintain friendships and keep in contact with the very few people that would call me their friend. Because if I dont, then I'll be in a position far worse than before. By the time I'm done, It's 2 or 3 am and I cant sleep. So I posts some topics on the Morrowind forum and something that seems like 5 minutes long I look at the clock and its already 7 am. I'll try to get at least a few hours of sleep, but I then find myself staring at a small painting my uncle in Poland painted for me of a mountain range near his house and I just think/imagine that I'm there and life has been totally great for me. But then I look at the clock again and its time to go to work. Bah. I dont even know why I'm mentioning all these things. For those who have seen the Red vs. Blue episodes, then you know about the "poor me's". And I hope that there is a cure. Well I'm sure you've heard me bitch enough. But Its just one of those days where you just have to bitch and then let it build up and then bitch some more (a few years down the road...unless things change for the better).
oh by the way heres this thing my friend sent to me
You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant.
Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle.
You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs.
For you, comfort and calm are very important.
You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection.
You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong.
The World's Shortest Personality Test
hm...
good night.
Over the past week or so I have been doing much pondering about my life and what purpose it has. Overall life has been very unfair to me, I've rolled with its punches long enough. I want to change things. But whenever I try to change things to the positive it just blows up in my face and I'm back to square one. I'm starting to wonder if being lonely, miserable and bitter is the way its supposed to be for me. I try to think otherwise, but everything that has happened to me up to this point has proved different. Sure there are a few girls that I like, but me having the slightest chance at a relationship seems very far. I'm just not a person that is liked. I'm brutally honest and for most of the shallow people in this world...well you get the idea. So since my honesty can piss people off (which is sometimes amusing) I usually just shut the hell up and dont say a word. But alas that dosent help as well.
As for the future (college/career) I dont have a clue. I thought I'd be all set with a teaching job, I'd have the summer off and work and make some extra money that way. But now I'm starting to have doubts. I dont care what I do, I just want to make good money, and not be miserable at my job. But it seems that not many people can have both good money and not be disgruntled. Unless you are your own boss, which would be really strange. I simply feel as if I'm just wasting my life and the time of others. I know how precious time is. I work a lot and dont have much time off. I come home around 12 or 1 in the morning (pending on how busy work was). I sit down at my computer and try to maintain friendships and keep in contact with the very few people that would call me their friend. Because if I dont, then I'll be in a position far worse than before. By the time I'm done, It's 2 or 3 am and I cant sleep. So I posts some topics on the Morrowind forum and something that seems like 5 minutes long I look at the clock and its already 7 am. I'll try to get at least a few hours of sleep, but I then find myself staring at a small painting my uncle in Poland painted for me of a mountain range near his house and I just think/imagine that I'm there and life has been totally great for me. But then I look at the clock again and its time to go to work. Bah. I dont even know why I'm mentioning all these things. For those who have seen the Red vs. Blue episodes, then you know about the "poor me's". And I hope that there is a cure. Well I'm sure you've heard me bitch enough. But Its just one of those days where you just have to bitch and then let it build up and then bitch some more (a few years down the road...unless things change for the better).
oh by the way heres this thing my friend sent to me
You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant.
Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle.
You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs.
For you, comfort and calm are very important.
You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection.
You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong.
The World's Shortest Personality Test
hm...
good night.