identity
I'm going to live-blog my layoff. Writing helps me process emotions, after all.
Our story so far:
Friday I was given my 90 day notice. This length of time is because I need to close down projects, wind up protocols, notify SO MANY CLIENTS and everybody else, and allow my outsourced replacement to be put into place. I both want to know more about this aspect and dread it. I don't think it's a case of training my replacement but you never know. Also gives me time to job hunt and possibly ready the house for sale if that begins to look necessary. Also they say they are taking the time to look for another university position for me and my assistant. It would be easier if a bit humiliating. Likely a hefty paycut involved which may not be tenable. Actually a hefty paycut is likely however things work out.
Friday after the meeting I just left, went home and ate All the Bad Things I could find. Also poked a university colleague about an outstanding travel reimbursement. Could use the money. She was v. nice, sorry about the situation, will check on the money, and wants to talk to me about 'possibilities.'
Saturday I ran errands in a blizzard, then came home and went over the budget with R. Then I sat and watched 5 hours of Once Upon a Time. All caught up now. Many story ideas :) Finished editing Frozen story. Also drank wine, which I gave up at New Year's but What the Flaming Hell.
Sunday I went into work to do a previously scheduled experiment. No one else was there, except one person briefly in the afternoon. It's always like that on weekends, but this time it was eerie. Like post-zombie apocalypse research. Dead Scientist Walking. Came home and was just too tired to do anything in particular. Watched Practical Magic on DVR. Pretty Aidan Quinn. Pretty Sandra Bullock. I need that soundtrack.
Today I contacted my immediate supervisor about a meeting to discuss how to wind things down. I am out of town this week and he is out of town next week so we'll meet Friday the 13th. This seems...appropriate. He is also making 'other position' noises. I am re-working my resume for HR and my supervisor, as well as for outside applications since I appreciate but don't trust all the polite noises.
The electric company showed up this morning to tell us they are taking out multiple trees that overhang power lines out front. 10 feet into our property they are stripping out mature trees. We will loose shade and privacy. This kind of laying myself open for painful scrutiny also seems...appropriate.
I keep running into small wavery moments when everything slows and goes out of focus before snapping painfully back to the unreal clarity of real life. Like sending an email from work with my professional signature automatically added. That won't be there soon--that won't be ME soon. When I was laid off 12 years ago--I know it was 12 years ago cause I was laid off two weeks before my 12 year old was born and wasn't that a fun time-- I lost sight of myself. I was my work even though I was other things too; my identity was tied up in my job more than anything else. I remember telling my boss when I was pregnant with #1 that of course I would be coming back to work. That my facility was my baby as well and I wouldn't abandon it. Forced to put it up for adoption this time.
I'm not sure whether I'm still in shock, am older and more centered, have bigger worries or what but I seem to be handling this all right. I keep getting slapped by cons and very few pros have showed up to the party as of yet, but still. All right so far. My identity seems to be holding up. I'm still me. Maybe I'm going to be something else now, but I was, hell, am, a good scientist. I just tuned the corner on all the technical problems I've been having this past year. I just started writing again. I've found reserves of gentleness and patience while dealing with my boys' worries and fears that I didn't know I even had. R and I are relating better than we have in months, hell, years. It's a comfort.
Let's close with some lyrics by Pink:
Made a wrong turn once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that's all right
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss 'No way, it's all good'
It didn't slow me down
Mistaken, always second guessing
Underestimated, look I'm still around
Pink--Fucking Perfect
This entry was originally posted at http://vjs2259.dreamwidth.org/359655.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
Our story so far:
Friday I was given my 90 day notice. This length of time is because I need to close down projects, wind up protocols, notify SO MANY CLIENTS and everybody else, and allow my outsourced replacement to be put into place. I both want to know more about this aspect and dread it. I don't think it's a case of training my replacement but you never know. Also gives me time to job hunt and possibly ready the house for sale if that begins to look necessary. Also they say they are taking the time to look for another university position for me and my assistant. It would be easier if a bit humiliating. Likely a hefty paycut involved which may not be tenable. Actually a hefty paycut is likely however things work out.
Friday after the meeting I just left, went home and ate All the Bad Things I could find. Also poked a university colleague about an outstanding travel reimbursement. Could use the money. She was v. nice, sorry about the situation, will check on the money, and wants to talk to me about 'possibilities.'
Saturday I ran errands in a blizzard, then came home and went over the budget with R. Then I sat and watched 5 hours of Once Upon a Time. All caught up now. Many story ideas :) Finished editing Frozen story. Also drank wine, which I gave up at New Year's but What the Flaming Hell.
Sunday I went into work to do a previously scheduled experiment. No one else was there, except one person briefly in the afternoon. It's always like that on weekends, but this time it was eerie. Like post-zombie apocalypse research. Dead Scientist Walking. Came home and was just too tired to do anything in particular. Watched Practical Magic on DVR. Pretty Aidan Quinn. Pretty Sandra Bullock. I need that soundtrack.
Today I contacted my immediate supervisor about a meeting to discuss how to wind things down. I am out of town this week and he is out of town next week so we'll meet Friday the 13th. This seems...appropriate. He is also making 'other position' noises. I am re-working my resume for HR and my supervisor, as well as for outside applications since I appreciate but don't trust all the polite noises.
The electric company showed up this morning to tell us they are taking out multiple trees that overhang power lines out front. 10 feet into our property they are stripping out mature trees. We will loose shade and privacy. This kind of laying myself open for painful scrutiny also seems...appropriate.
I keep running into small wavery moments when everything slows and goes out of focus before snapping painfully back to the unreal clarity of real life. Like sending an email from work with my professional signature automatically added. That won't be there soon--that won't be ME soon. When I was laid off 12 years ago--I know it was 12 years ago cause I was laid off two weeks before my 12 year old was born and wasn't that a fun time-- I lost sight of myself. I was my work even though I was other things too; my identity was tied up in my job more than anything else. I remember telling my boss when I was pregnant with #1 that of course I would be coming back to work. That my facility was my baby as well and I wouldn't abandon it. Forced to put it up for adoption this time.
I'm not sure whether I'm still in shock, am older and more centered, have bigger worries or what but I seem to be handling this all right. I keep getting slapped by cons and very few pros have showed up to the party as of yet, but still. All right so far. My identity seems to be holding up. I'm still me. Maybe I'm going to be something else now, but I was, hell, am, a good scientist. I just tuned the corner on all the technical problems I've been having this past year. I just started writing again. I've found reserves of gentleness and patience while dealing with my boys' worries and fears that I didn't know I even had. R and I are relating better than we have in months, hell, years. It's a comfort.
Let's close with some lyrics by Pink:
Made a wrong turn once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that's all right
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss 'No way, it's all good'
It didn't slow me down
Mistaken, always second guessing
Underestimated, look I'm still around
Pink--Fucking Perfect
This entry was originally posted at http://vjs2259.dreamwidth.org/359655.html. Please comment there using OpenID.