Belated Father's Day Commentary
Today I read an article in the NY Times about stressed out Dads. It seems it's not only women who can't have it all. I did notice something interesting when it got to the disparity in what women think men do and what men think they do, both around the house and in terms of child care. Look at this section:
Then again, some contributions may be unrecognized by the other partner. For instance, a father may prepare school lunches half the time, so he thinks he’s sharing that chore. But he doesn’t factor in the time his wife spent shopping for the ingredients, planning healthy, appetizing menus and emptying and cleaning the lunchboxes every day.
“Women remain psychologically responsible, and that’s a burden,” said Dr. Galinsky. “That psychological responsibility adds to the sense of feeling like you’re doing more, even though it may be somewhat invisible.”
For his part, a father may spend time fixing a tricycle, playing video games or putting away outdoor toys - time that his wife doesn’t count when she’s mentally keeping tabs.
“Women consistently underestimate how much their husbands do,” said Stephanie Coontz, a marriage historian and author of “A Strange Stirring: The Feminine Mystique and American Women at the Dawn of the 1960s,” to be published next year.
“Women don’t necessarily give his contribution the same value as theirs,” she added. “They don’t always recognize that what he does with the kids is a form of care, too.”
Let's review. The idea of psychological responsibility hits the nail on the proverbial head, and is a term I won't hesitate to utilize in the future. I think women often put that responsibility on themselves, but they also have it put on them, and sometimes they take it as a badge of honor. None of that lessens the impact on their lives and on their happiness.
My favorite part was this list; the list of particular things Moms Do and the things Dads Do.
Mom:
fixing lunches half the time
shopping for food
planning menus
emptying and cleaning lunchboxes every day
Dad:
fixing lunches half the time
fixing a tricycle
putting away outdoor toys
playing video games
Leaving out the fixing lunches as evenly split between both parents, we have three everyday or once a week chores for Mom. For Dad, we have fixing tricycles...a once or twice a summer thing surely? Unless you have a little Evel Knieval on your hands. Putting away outdoor toys? On our crazy schedule that's a weekend thing, even in the summer. PLAYING VIDEO GAMES? Poor, poor man. I am certain he'd rather empty the lunchbox...the one with the half empty yogurt cup, the squishy banana, the crumbs and sticky residue. The one that has to be done every..single...day.
This is one problem I've noticed. The daily chores, and the boring chores, often fall in the female sphere, unless specific rules are set, adhered to, and maintained by both members of the couple. Playing video games is not a chore or a responsibility; I'm not even sure it qualifies as child care. It is time spent with a child, and that's valuable bonding. Dads today are much more involved with their home and their children, and that's a great good thing.
But it's 9 pm, it's bedtime, and while the lunch box is clean, the backpack needs packed. It's swimming tomorrow. Where'd I put his swim trunks, anyway?
Then again, some contributions may be unrecognized by the other partner. For instance, a father may prepare school lunches half the time, so he thinks he’s sharing that chore. But he doesn’t factor in the time his wife spent shopping for the ingredients, planning healthy, appetizing menus and emptying and cleaning the lunchboxes every day.
“Women remain psychologically responsible, and that’s a burden,” said Dr. Galinsky. “That psychological responsibility adds to the sense of feeling like you’re doing more, even though it may be somewhat invisible.”
For his part, a father may spend time fixing a tricycle, playing video games or putting away outdoor toys - time that his wife doesn’t count when she’s mentally keeping tabs.
“Women consistently underestimate how much their husbands do,” said Stephanie Coontz, a marriage historian and author of “A Strange Stirring: The Feminine Mystique and American Women at the Dawn of the 1960s,” to be published next year.
“Women don’t necessarily give his contribution the same value as theirs,” she added. “They don’t always recognize that what he does with the kids is a form of care, too.”
Let's review. The idea of psychological responsibility hits the nail on the proverbial head, and is a term I won't hesitate to utilize in the future. I think women often put that responsibility on themselves, but they also have it put on them, and sometimes they take it as a badge of honor. None of that lessens the impact on their lives and on their happiness.
My favorite part was this list; the list of particular things Moms Do and the things Dads Do.
Mom:
fixing lunches half the time
shopping for food
planning menus
emptying and cleaning lunchboxes every day
Dad:
fixing lunches half the time
fixing a tricycle
putting away outdoor toys
playing video games
Leaving out the fixing lunches as evenly split between both parents, we have three everyday or once a week chores for Mom. For Dad, we have fixing tricycles...a once or twice a summer thing surely? Unless you have a little Evel Knieval on your hands. Putting away outdoor toys? On our crazy schedule that's a weekend thing, even in the summer. PLAYING VIDEO GAMES? Poor, poor man. I am certain he'd rather empty the lunchbox...the one with the half empty yogurt cup, the squishy banana, the crumbs and sticky residue. The one that has to be done every..single...day.
This is one problem I've noticed. The daily chores, and the boring chores, often fall in the female sphere, unless specific rules are set, adhered to, and maintained by both members of the couple. Playing video games is not a chore or a responsibility; I'm not even sure it qualifies as child care. It is time spent with a child, and that's valuable bonding. Dads today are much more involved with their home and their children, and that's a great good thing.
But it's 9 pm, it's bedtime, and while the lunch box is clean, the backpack needs packed. It's swimming tomorrow. Where'd I put his swim trunks, anyway?