June 14, 2008
So mouseketeers… for all of you who have been talking to me or about me -
Thank you.
As I stated prior, I had lost my trust in men (actually almost everything and everyone) and thought for just a moment that maybe my pessimism was not warranted. It's been too long since I felt I could possibly share myself with someone, but I know now that I was wrong.
Although I am certainly not saying it as an excuse, I have been too busy for all of you these last few weeks. It's no excuse, but things keep rolling here at the ranch and I guess it was just too much to expect a little flexibility.
There was a time in my distant past where things got too heavy and I just up and disappeared.
I mean, no notice was given to work and I actually left the country for two weeks to try and get my act together. Although it has been more than a couple of years since it happened, some of you may remember my family starting a search party a-la Natalie Holloway to try and find me. But for now, I'm here.
So let's get the rumor mill corrected.
No matter what you have heard, here are some of the events that have happened in the last thirty days.
I was in Ybor with an ex a couple of Fridays ago. And yes, we did spend quite a bit of time talking at a drag bar. BUT (not that anyone asked…) I didn't go home with them, and I'm not sure that anything has changed that would make me go back with them. I do love them to death, but it has become apparent to both of us that it simply would not work. I think that we both know and understand that. And at least this time, an ex will simply remain a good friend.
For the rest of you who have been stirring the gossip pot, I have not been in constant contact with the ex. My interest quite honestly was elsewhere and most of you knew that. And although I now see with crystal clarity that that situation was never really entertained, please shut up and stir your drama elsewhere - there's none here.
I'm sorry that I don't share every portion of my life with all of you. And that goes for each and every one that does or possibly would read this. There are simply some things that don't need to be exposed. - not that there is anything wrong or must remain hidden from you, but there is nothing to be gained so no point in going over it. Each of you get a different little piece of me. If all of you were in a room together, I'd be screwed.
And yes, the secret to my squirrel stew is getting a patent.
I guess that maybe it's time for me again. It's time to focus on me for a change. I'm tired of waiting for someone else to just pay attention just a little bit to what might make me happy.
So now for the record - If there is any interest there - on my side or someone else's - as soon as I am not around and they go hunting dick on the internet or anywhere else, for whatever reason - they are no better than the scum, drunks and losers I've helped kicked out of bars at night.
And they will be treated as such.
There is no excuse ever for such behavior. There is a tactful way to handle it.
I guess there's nothing wrong with wanting that, but just take into consideration how I feel. Remember now, it's all about me.
Does it really feel ok doing that knowing how someone else feels about you? The lack of a ring on the finger does not give anyone the right to hurt someone else. I can't imagine how anyone could possibly feel ok with themselves going out and tricking after knowing someone wants to be with them and they have said it back in return.
That is the act of a coward.
I guess for some it is a game of pursuit and capture. But it's not all about that.
It's about finding the one you want to share with to make you become whole. It's not an effort of one.
I'm certainly not a follower, I've tried that in the past and it didn't work. But I am also tired of always being forced to be the leader. I am looking to make joint decisions. I don't want to tell anyone what to do and certainly don't take direction well either.
Although for whatever reason my heart appears ready to be stomped on, it's not available for that whether on purpose or not. And I'm very unforgiving on this and can be bitter, so just leave me be for now.
Don't test this.
I sleep very well at night knowing that although I may have been cheated on in the past (and have kicked them out of my house with no notice or place to go,) I have never done that to someone else. You don't have to be married to someone to cheat on them.
I know how that hurts.
How it hurts so deep inside you that want to tear out your stomach. And nothing, including all of the tears, can make it go away. All of it over a trick that means nothing, or even worse for some coins.
I just don't understand how if it has been done to someone… they can turn around and do it back to someone else.
So with that in mind I am off soon to New York, probably for the summer. It's either New York or P-Town. And the best thing is I won't be paying for travel, meals, or lodging. The whole summer tab is being picked up. For those of you lucky enough to be invited, there is a weekend blast in Clearwater at the beach house within the next weeks.
For the record, I'm no one's wife, husband, or meal ticket. I'm also not looking to become that as well. I don't ask that anyone supports me, and I am certainly not going to support anyone else either. I have worked way too hard for what I have. But I do think that the people who have actually taken the time to get close to me can attest - I am an extremely generous person.
I was taught this by the person who actually made me "Mr Disney."
He was the only man that ever truly cared for me being me. He tried to support me and I never allowed that. I also never appreciated him the way that I should have until I lost him in a car accident to a drunk driver.
He's been gone for some time now, but every June the anniversary of his death crushes me.
Time has not helped this wound. His absence has affected me profoundly, and he remains the most important influence on my life.
I still miss him so much.
Being alone, I think all the time how different my life might be if he was still with us.
But I don't have that option.
A solace however is how we had actually discussed how we would want the other to find someone else with whom to share our life if something happened to either of us. I think that as of now, I may be giving up on that.
I stand ready to give all of the love and support I can possibly give. And to the person deserving, you don't even have to ask for it.
But I won't be taken advantage of and hurt again.
Thank you.
As I stated prior, I had lost my trust in men (actually almost everything and everyone) and thought for just a moment that maybe my pessimism was not warranted. It's been too long since I felt I could possibly share myself with someone, but I know now that I was wrong.
Although I am certainly not saying it as an excuse, I have been too busy for all of you these last few weeks. It's no excuse, but things keep rolling here at the ranch and I guess it was just too much to expect a little flexibility.
There was a time in my distant past where things got too heavy and I just up and disappeared.
I mean, no notice was given to work and I actually left the country for two weeks to try and get my act together. Although it has been more than a couple of years since it happened, some of you may remember my family starting a search party a-la Natalie Holloway to try and find me. But for now, I'm here.
So let's get the rumor mill corrected.
No matter what you have heard, here are some of the events that have happened in the last thirty days.
I was in Ybor with an ex a couple of Fridays ago. And yes, we did spend quite a bit of time talking at a drag bar. BUT (not that anyone asked…) I didn't go home with them, and I'm not sure that anything has changed that would make me go back with them. I do love them to death, but it has become apparent to both of us that it simply would not work. I think that we both know and understand that. And at least this time, an ex will simply remain a good friend.
For the rest of you who have been stirring the gossip pot, I have not been in constant contact with the ex. My interest quite honestly was elsewhere and most of you knew that. And although I now see with crystal clarity that that situation was never really entertained, please shut up and stir your drama elsewhere - there's none here.
I'm sorry that I don't share every portion of my life with all of you. And that goes for each and every one that does or possibly would read this. There are simply some things that don't need to be exposed. - not that there is anything wrong or must remain hidden from you, but there is nothing to be gained so no point in going over it. Each of you get a different little piece of me. If all of you were in a room together, I'd be screwed.
And yes, the secret to my squirrel stew is getting a patent.
I guess that maybe it's time for me again. It's time to focus on me for a change. I'm tired of waiting for someone else to just pay attention just a little bit to what might make me happy.
So now for the record - If there is any interest there - on my side or someone else's - as soon as I am not around and they go hunting dick on the internet or anywhere else, for whatever reason - they are no better than the scum, drunks and losers I've helped kicked out of bars at night.
And they will be treated as such.
There is no excuse ever for such behavior. There is a tactful way to handle it.
I guess there's nothing wrong with wanting that, but just take into consideration how I feel. Remember now, it's all about me.
Does it really feel ok doing that knowing how someone else feels about you? The lack of a ring on the finger does not give anyone the right to hurt someone else. I can't imagine how anyone could possibly feel ok with themselves going out and tricking after knowing someone wants to be with them and they have said it back in return.
That is the act of a coward.
I guess for some it is a game of pursuit and capture. But it's not all about that.
It's about finding the one you want to share with to make you become whole. It's not an effort of one.
I'm certainly not a follower, I've tried that in the past and it didn't work. But I am also tired of always being forced to be the leader. I am looking to make joint decisions. I don't want to tell anyone what to do and certainly don't take direction well either.
Although for whatever reason my heart appears ready to be stomped on, it's not available for that whether on purpose or not. And I'm very unforgiving on this and can be bitter, so just leave me be for now.
Don't test this.
I sleep very well at night knowing that although I may have been cheated on in the past (and have kicked them out of my house with no notice or place to go,) I have never done that to someone else. You don't have to be married to someone to cheat on them.
I know how that hurts.
How it hurts so deep inside you that want to tear out your stomach. And nothing, including all of the tears, can make it go away. All of it over a trick that means nothing, or even worse for some coins.
I just don't understand how if it has been done to someone… they can turn around and do it back to someone else.
So with that in mind I am off soon to New York, probably for the summer. It's either New York or P-Town. And the best thing is I won't be paying for travel, meals, or lodging. The whole summer tab is being picked up. For those of you lucky enough to be invited, there is a weekend blast in Clearwater at the beach house within the next weeks.
For the record, I'm no one's wife, husband, or meal ticket. I'm also not looking to become that as well. I don't ask that anyone supports me, and I am certainly not going to support anyone else either. I have worked way too hard for what I have. But I do think that the people who have actually taken the time to get close to me can attest - I am an extremely generous person.
I was taught this by the person who actually made me "Mr Disney."
He was the only man that ever truly cared for me being me. He tried to support me and I never allowed that. I also never appreciated him the way that I should have until I lost him in a car accident to a drunk driver.
He's been gone for some time now, but every June the anniversary of his death crushes me.
Time has not helped this wound. His absence has affected me profoundly, and he remains the most important influence on my life.
I still miss him so much.
Being alone, I think all the time how different my life might be if he was still with us.
But I don't have that option.
A solace however is how we had actually discussed how we would want the other to find someone else with whom to share our life if something happened to either of us. I think that as of now, I may be giving up on that.
I stand ready to give all of the love and support I can possibly give. And to the person deserving, you don't even have to ask for it.
But I won't be taken advantage of and hurt again.