I Dreamt We Fell Apart (chapter eight)
I Suddenly Remember That I've Forgotten Everything. (chapter eight)
Those words hit something in Jesse. A few weeks ago, it would have been John saying them, and John curled up against Jesse's side. Adam wasn't John. Adam was an easy lay, who had somehow managed to get attached, and Jesse had to make sure it stopped.
"For the love of God, Jesse. Go back to sleep..."
Jesse cringed, and his muscles didn't relax. Frantically, he pulled at Adam's arms, flinging them away from his body, and a let out a panicked cry of frustration.
"What the hell is wrong with you?!" Adam exclaimed as he was jerked awake.
"Me?!" Jesse responded, with a scratchy, forced laugh. He sat up, staring down at Adam with a look of horror and disgust, and fought off a headrush.
"You..." He stopped here, seemingly at a loss for words, but soon continued, "You act like we're some fucking thing. What, do you think you could replace John? I fucked up, all right. I hate you. Sex isn't about to change that."
"No, sex doesn't change that," Adam said, shrinking away from Jesse more than he'd already been shoved. "I know I'm not even half of what John was, but you're nowhere close either. You may think you're better than me, that you were his equal, but you're not, Jesse Lacey, you ain't jack shit."
The noise that escaped Jesse's throat was somewhere between a sigh and a sob, but he's not sure which it was meant to be. Jesse felt the urge to be moving and pacing, or violently beating Adam, or something. Sitting still was difficult, and he was so, so frustrated.
"John is- was-" Jesse corrected himself, but the anger that lit up his features didn't have time to merge into sadness, "better than all of us. I don't pretend for a second to be equal with him, but I'm also not going to pretend that you're his replacement. All you were, and all you are, is some mistake. You're the effects of being abandoned on some fucking island, with little food and water, and even less sleep. You're just some madman's fantasy, and now the only thing I have to show for it is the inevitable case of syphilis."
Adam opened his mouth to say something, but couldn't narrow his thoughts down to one coherent reply. Ever since the crash had left them on that island, he'd been at war with himself and with his thoughts, but the past few days had seemed better, everything had been based off of simply doing instead of thinking. It had been nice, while it had lasted at least.
"I . . .I don't even know what the fuck to say to you anymore. I don't know what the fucking hell I'm supposed to say to you!" He screamed, kicking the dirt near Jesse. "You're an ass, Jesse. You're just an ass . . ." He said, exaggeratedly shrugging and shaking his head.
You're not supposed to take anyone's feelings into account when you're arguing, unless you're trying to hurt them. Jesse started thinking, and he didn't like it, because he realised what he'd done. He wanted to stick to what he'd began, and just hurt Adam, and see how much he could get Adam to cling to him, in some sick test of manipulation. Instead, he just sent Adam a glare.
"Then don't say anything," Jesse said, his voice still harsh and stern from yelling. He wanted to sever the ties.
"Fine then, I won't," Adam said, flipping him off behind his back as he walked away from Jesse, leaving him all alone on the dark island.
The next time that Jesse and Adam saw each other again, was when Will had Vinnie fetch them, and bring them back to 'home base.'
"For the entire time we have been here, you two have done little to no work," Will said sternly, as he paced the area in front of them. He was the perfect image of authority. "It was excusable at first, due to injuries and whatnot, but we can't afford to have you two doing as you please, and using the resources that the others have gathered."
Jesse went to a religious private school when he was younger, with nuns. There was no way that Will could intimidate Jesse into doing anything.
Adam, on the other hand, was simply stubborn by nature. He didn't want to work, and even if it was something he would normally been more than willing to do, just knowing that he had no choice in doing something instantly made him hate it. But at the same time, he felt sorry for those who had been having to do everything. And as he looked around at the others who were around them, he could tell that he was far from their favourite person right now.
"All right," he said after debating with himself for a moment or two. "Just tell me what you need me to do, and I'll . . . give it a shot."
His main reason for agreeing to help so quickly was to beat Jesse to the punch, to suck up to Will enough with the hopes of rising above Jesse in the groups' opinion of him. There were also several other factors involved, but if push came to shove he would rather eat Jesse than have the rest of the group devour him.
Neither Adam nor Jesse were encouraged by the subtle grin that found its way onto Will's face.
"Well," Will said, "seeing as you two have slacked off so much, we'll have to make up for it by having you do more difficult work."
If the general theory was correct, and Will was a Science teacher, Jesse felt genuine sympathy for his students.
"You have a latrine to dig."
"A what?" Adam said, not knowing exactly what a latrine was, other than what Will's tone of voice, and the fact that someone had to 'dig' it told him -- It was not going to be fun or easy.
"A shithole, you idiot," Jesse answered, before Will could. "A bathroom."
Then, turning back to Will, Jesse asked, "Where are the shovels?"
"We're stranded on an island. No shovels," Will laughed, "use your hands."
"I'm not digging in anything with my bare hands" Adam said, a little defiantly before a grin formed on his lips as he once again realized he had something above both Jesse and Will. "Not when there's a fucking shovel on the plane, with the emergency stuff like the fire extinguisher. Its not very big, but it is there. And, since I discovered it," -- He turned to Jesse and smirked. -- "You can use your hands, but I'm using that shovel."
Will sent Adam a stern glare.
"That's not very fair to Jesse, especially since he has done more work than you. You are going to share the shovel. I'm hoping you learned to take turns when you were little."
Adam sent a Will a glare and said, "That's not fair. I found the shovel, I should get to use it. And if we were to take turns with the shovel, then we should take turns digging, it's stupid to have someone trying to dig with their hands."
"Brilliant," Jesse said, a confident smirk lighting up his features, "We'll take both your suggestions. You found the shovel. It's only logical that you should use it, and we can't have someone digging with their hands. I can oversee he expedition."
While Jesse knew that saying it would make it so he had to work as well, rather than giving him a way out of it, he said it anyways. Besides, he wasn't as opposed to working as he pretended to be, because, in all honesty, he was feeling guilty for slacking off so much. The only thing that Jesse was opposed to was working with Adam, which he might have been able to avoid, if he whined enough.
But Will did not see Jesse's whining as anything more than an excuse to make them work together. And in the end, he'd directed them to an area, explained to them where they needed to dig and how deep, and then left them to it with the warning that he'd be back to check on them ever 30 minutes to an hour to make sure they were actually doing something, and if they weren't, he'd be leaving with their shovel and they'd be left to finish without it.
"Fuck . . . couldn't he have picked a place farther away from the sun for us to dig this fucking thing . . ." Adam complained to himself as he forced the shovel into the wet sand, using his foot to push it in further before tossing the dirt away from the dig site. So far they'd been there for over twenty minutes and had only dug four shovelfuls deep into the ground.
"You know," Jesse said, "I want to argue with you, but I have to agree. If I were taking a shit, I wouldn't really want to be in full, clear view of the sun and sky. It's not as if forested areas are in short supply."
"Not to mention that warm shit smells a hell of a lot worse than nice cool shit," Adam said wiping his forehead and then looking toward the woods. "You know . . . We should move it . . . He said we had to dig between the little stick markers, right? Well if we move his stick markers to the shade area over there . . . then we're still technically doing what he said . . . "
Jesse shook his head,
"No way. He'll just start bitching us out for it, and make us do it again," he said, the faint traces of a scowl marring his features.
Even though Adam was digging first, beads of sweat had still formed on Jesse's brow, and were threatening to fall over the ledge and into his eyes. He didn't bother to wipe them away, but voiced a growl of annoyance when a drop fell into his vision.
It was hot.
"Look, I'm not going to bust my ass for something just because Mr. Boy Scout over there said I had to," Adam said sticking the shovel into the ground and letting go of it. "Especially if I was positive that doing it my way would actually be better!" -- He ran a hand through his hair, pushing it off his forehead and holding it back a moment. -- "He's making us do it here just to piss us off, and you fucking know it."
"Yeah, I know," Jesse said, tone defiant, "but I also know that defying him won't turn out well for us. He's trying to piss us off, because I'm sure we pissed him off. You have to keep things balanced when you're a leader."
A sigh, and Jesse turned to look Adam in the eyes.
"Look, I know it seems like a smart idea, and I'm sure it would be, in any other situation. Right now, we have to just shut up and follow orders."
It was times like that when responsible Jesse came out.
Adam kicked the shovel, knocking it over onto the ground. He knew he was just wasting more energy by complaining than he would have if he had just done what he was supposed to do without a moment's hesitation, but he was far too angry to care.
"You are such a fucking pussy," He cursed as he kicked a clump of the dirt he'd already dug up away from the sad excuse for a hole. "What the fuck can he do to us, Jesse? Hum? Send us to bed early? Put us in a stick prison?!"
"Well, I think you're forgetting that he's in charge, which pretty much means he's in charge of keeping us alive. He handles food, shelter, everything," Jesse stopped, sending Adam an authoritive glare, "I can't see him being so cruel as to make us go without food, but he could, if he felt the need. Don't be so quick to decide your place."
Jesse exhaled slowly, trying to calm himself down, in an attempt to get Adam to do the same.
"This is a punishment. Let's just get it over with, all right?"
"In charge of keeping us alive?" Adam said, turning to look at Jesse and shaking his head. "Either way, we're still going to die on this fucking island. I'd rather keep myself alive until then, and not waste whatever time we do have left digging shit holes. But if you're faith in that asshole is so steadfast, then by all means, you dig the fucking hole."
It took a lot of effort on Jesse's part not to explode right then.
He wanted to die, more than he even realised. Adam, Will, everyone else, they were just distractions, while he waited.
"Shut up, Adam. Please, just shut up," Jesse said, although it was bordering on a whine. The desperation was fully audible in his voice, but he didn't explode.
At first, Jesse had played the part of the villain, and the only thing he'd accomplished was being hated by everyone, and forming some sort of bizarre relationship with Adam. Then he plays the adult, and gets nowhere, because Adam has spent too much time being treated like a baby, and now he can't get out of the mindset.
"Look, don't you dare tell me to shut up," Adam said, so upset he was on the verge of tears. "I know you're good. I know you're good at hiding everything. And maybe you can go on living your life, acting like nothing's happened, acting like everything's going to be all right, pretending there's still hope that someone's going to find us, convincing yourself that you've never fucking touched me and that John's still alive and waiting on you back at home. But I'm not as good as you, all right?"
His ears were ringing again, and his eye burned from the combination of sweat, tears, and the intensity of the sun. He rubbed his eyes on the back of his dirt smeared hand, leaving a smudge behind on his cheek, but even if he had known, he wouldn't have cared. Nothing really mattered to him anymore but being understood -- finding someone that could understand him or he could force to understand him.
"I admit it, all right?! I'm not as good as you Jesse. I can't just pretend this is all some crazy dream and that I'm going to wake up and everything's going to be all right. I didn't just dream everything fell apart, it really has, Jesse! It really has, and you don't have to be a fucking bastard all the fucking time," He half cried, half screamed as he stood in front of Jesse, staring him straight in the eye before putting his hands on his shoulders. "We're not the same people we were when we stepped on that plane, things have changed, and you know it."
And Jesse didn't have a response. He didn't want to argue, because that's all they'd done. They'd argued and they'd fucked, and isn't that a fantastic way to form a relationship?
Of course Jesse felt guilty. He'd felt guilty for the way he acted toward Adam even before the plane crash, because that's what Jesse does. He didn't know how to keep track of his emotions, and so he made up whatever came to mind.
Jesse didn't have a response, so he just stood there, staring at Adam, in that sympathetic, pensive way.
Adam held his gaze for a few moments, searching Jesse's eyes for any sort of sign that he felt anything at all, that anything he'd said had struck something inside of him, but the only thing he could recognize was the same blue veil of emotion he had seen every time before when he'd looked at him.
"Can't you say anything to me?" he softly asked, his voice weak and somewhat fragile sounding.
But before he could even form an answer for him, Adam pulled Jesse to him and pressed their lips together in the first actual kiss they'd ever shared.
Those words hit something in Jesse. A few weeks ago, it would have been John saying them, and John curled up against Jesse's side. Adam wasn't John. Adam was an easy lay, who had somehow managed to get attached, and Jesse had to make sure it stopped.
"For the love of God, Jesse. Go back to sleep..."
Jesse cringed, and his muscles didn't relax. Frantically, he pulled at Adam's arms, flinging them away from his body, and a let out a panicked cry of frustration.
"What the hell is wrong with you?!" Adam exclaimed as he was jerked awake.
"Me?!" Jesse responded, with a scratchy, forced laugh. He sat up, staring down at Adam with a look of horror and disgust, and fought off a headrush.
"You..." He stopped here, seemingly at a loss for words, but soon continued, "You act like we're some fucking thing. What, do you think you could replace John? I fucked up, all right. I hate you. Sex isn't about to change that."
"No, sex doesn't change that," Adam said, shrinking away from Jesse more than he'd already been shoved. "I know I'm not even half of what John was, but you're nowhere close either. You may think you're better than me, that you were his equal, but you're not, Jesse Lacey, you ain't jack shit."
The noise that escaped Jesse's throat was somewhere between a sigh and a sob, but he's not sure which it was meant to be. Jesse felt the urge to be moving and pacing, or violently beating Adam, or something. Sitting still was difficult, and he was so, so frustrated.
"John is- was-" Jesse corrected himself, but the anger that lit up his features didn't have time to merge into sadness, "better than all of us. I don't pretend for a second to be equal with him, but I'm also not going to pretend that you're his replacement. All you were, and all you are, is some mistake. You're the effects of being abandoned on some fucking island, with little food and water, and even less sleep. You're just some madman's fantasy, and now the only thing I have to show for it is the inevitable case of syphilis."
Adam opened his mouth to say something, but couldn't narrow his thoughts down to one coherent reply. Ever since the crash had left them on that island, he'd been at war with himself and with his thoughts, but the past few days had seemed better, everything had been based off of simply doing instead of thinking. It had been nice, while it had lasted at least.
"I . . .I don't even know what the fuck to say to you anymore. I don't know what the fucking hell I'm supposed to say to you!" He screamed, kicking the dirt near Jesse. "You're an ass, Jesse. You're just an ass . . ." He said, exaggeratedly shrugging and shaking his head.
You're not supposed to take anyone's feelings into account when you're arguing, unless you're trying to hurt them. Jesse started thinking, and he didn't like it, because he realised what he'd done. He wanted to stick to what he'd began, and just hurt Adam, and see how much he could get Adam to cling to him, in some sick test of manipulation. Instead, he just sent Adam a glare.
"Then don't say anything," Jesse said, his voice still harsh and stern from yelling. He wanted to sever the ties.
"Fine then, I won't," Adam said, flipping him off behind his back as he walked away from Jesse, leaving him all alone on the dark island.
The next time that Jesse and Adam saw each other again, was when Will had Vinnie fetch them, and bring them back to 'home base.'
"For the entire time we have been here, you two have done little to no work," Will said sternly, as he paced the area in front of them. He was the perfect image of authority. "It was excusable at first, due to injuries and whatnot, but we can't afford to have you two doing as you please, and using the resources that the others have gathered."
Jesse went to a religious private school when he was younger, with nuns. There was no way that Will could intimidate Jesse into doing anything.
Adam, on the other hand, was simply stubborn by nature. He didn't want to work, and even if it was something he would normally been more than willing to do, just knowing that he had no choice in doing something instantly made him hate it. But at the same time, he felt sorry for those who had been having to do everything. And as he looked around at the others who were around them, he could tell that he was far from their favourite person right now.
"All right," he said after debating with himself for a moment or two. "Just tell me what you need me to do, and I'll . . . give it a shot."
His main reason for agreeing to help so quickly was to beat Jesse to the punch, to suck up to Will enough with the hopes of rising above Jesse in the groups' opinion of him. There were also several other factors involved, but if push came to shove he would rather eat Jesse than have the rest of the group devour him.
Neither Adam nor Jesse were encouraged by the subtle grin that found its way onto Will's face.
"Well," Will said, "seeing as you two have slacked off so much, we'll have to make up for it by having you do more difficult work."
If the general theory was correct, and Will was a Science teacher, Jesse felt genuine sympathy for his students.
"You have a latrine to dig."
"A what?" Adam said, not knowing exactly what a latrine was, other than what Will's tone of voice, and the fact that someone had to 'dig' it told him -- It was not going to be fun or easy.
"A shithole, you idiot," Jesse answered, before Will could. "A bathroom."
Then, turning back to Will, Jesse asked, "Where are the shovels?"
"We're stranded on an island. No shovels," Will laughed, "use your hands."
"I'm not digging in anything with my bare hands" Adam said, a little defiantly before a grin formed on his lips as he once again realized he had something above both Jesse and Will. "Not when there's a fucking shovel on the plane, with the emergency stuff like the fire extinguisher. Its not very big, but it is there. And, since I discovered it," -- He turned to Jesse and smirked. -- "You can use your hands, but I'm using that shovel."
Will sent Adam a stern glare.
"That's not very fair to Jesse, especially since he has done more work than you. You are going to share the shovel. I'm hoping you learned to take turns when you were little."
Adam sent a Will a glare and said, "That's not fair. I found the shovel, I should get to use it. And if we were to take turns with the shovel, then we should take turns digging, it's stupid to have someone trying to dig with their hands."
"Brilliant," Jesse said, a confident smirk lighting up his features, "We'll take both your suggestions. You found the shovel. It's only logical that you should use it, and we can't have someone digging with their hands. I can oversee he expedition."
While Jesse knew that saying it would make it so he had to work as well, rather than giving him a way out of it, he said it anyways. Besides, he wasn't as opposed to working as he pretended to be, because, in all honesty, he was feeling guilty for slacking off so much. The only thing that Jesse was opposed to was working with Adam, which he might have been able to avoid, if he whined enough.
But Will did not see Jesse's whining as anything more than an excuse to make them work together. And in the end, he'd directed them to an area, explained to them where they needed to dig and how deep, and then left them to it with the warning that he'd be back to check on them ever 30 minutes to an hour to make sure they were actually doing something, and if they weren't, he'd be leaving with their shovel and they'd be left to finish without it.
"Fuck . . . couldn't he have picked a place farther away from the sun for us to dig this fucking thing . . ." Adam complained to himself as he forced the shovel into the wet sand, using his foot to push it in further before tossing the dirt away from the dig site. So far they'd been there for over twenty minutes and had only dug four shovelfuls deep into the ground.
"You know," Jesse said, "I want to argue with you, but I have to agree. If I were taking a shit, I wouldn't really want to be in full, clear view of the sun and sky. It's not as if forested areas are in short supply."
"Not to mention that warm shit smells a hell of a lot worse than nice cool shit," Adam said wiping his forehead and then looking toward the woods. "You know . . . We should move it . . . He said we had to dig between the little stick markers, right? Well if we move his stick markers to the shade area over there . . . then we're still technically doing what he said . . . "
Jesse shook his head,
"No way. He'll just start bitching us out for it, and make us do it again," he said, the faint traces of a scowl marring his features.
Even though Adam was digging first, beads of sweat had still formed on Jesse's brow, and were threatening to fall over the ledge and into his eyes. He didn't bother to wipe them away, but voiced a growl of annoyance when a drop fell into his vision.
It was hot.
"Look, I'm not going to bust my ass for something just because Mr. Boy Scout over there said I had to," Adam said sticking the shovel into the ground and letting go of it. "Especially if I was positive that doing it my way would actually be better!" -- He ran a hand through his hair, pushing it off his forehead and holding it back a moment. -- "He's making us do it here just to piss us off, and you fucking know it."
"Yeah, I know," Jesse said, tone defiant, "but I also know that defying him won't turn out well for us. He's trying to piss us off, because I'm sure we pissed him off. You have to keep things balanced when you're a leader."
A sigh, and Jesse turned to look Adam in the eyes.
"Look, I know it seems like a smart idea, and I'm sure it would be, in any other situation. Right now, we have to just shut up and follow orders."
It was times like that when responsible Jesse came out.
Adam kicked the shovel, knocking it over onto the ground. He knew he was just wasting more energy by complaining than he would have if he had just done what he was supposed to do without a moment's hesitation, but he was far too angry to care.
"You are such a fucking pussy," He cursed as he kicked a clump of the dirt he'd already dug up away from the sad excuse for a hole. "What the fuck can he do to us, Jesse? Hum? Send us to bed early? Put us in a stick prison?!"
"Well, I think you're forgetting that he's in charge, which pretty much means he's in charge of keeping us alive. He handles food, shelter, everything," Jesse stopped, sending Adam an authoritive glare, "I can't see him being so cruel as to make us go without food, but he could, if he felt the need. Don't be so quick to decide your place."
Jesse exhaled slowly, trying to calm himself down, in an attempt to get Adam to do the same.
"This is a punishment. Let's just get it over with, all right?"
"In charge of keeping us alive?" Adam said, turning to look at Jesse and shaking his head. "Either way, we're still going to die on this fucking island. I'd rather keep myself alive until then, and not waste whatever time we do have left digging shit holes. But if you're faith in that asshole is so steadfast, then by all means, you dig the fucking hole."
It took a lot of effort on Jesse's part not to explode right then.
He wanted to die, more than he even realised. Adam, Will, everyone else, they were just distractions, while he waited.
"Shut up, Adam. Please, just shut up," Jesse said, although it was bordering on a whine. The desperation was fully audible in his voice, but he didn't explode.
At first, Jesse had played the part of the villain, and the only thing he'd accomplished was being hated by everyone, and forming some sort of bizarre relationship with Adam. Then he plays the adult, and gets nowhere, because Adam has spent too much time being treated like a baby, and now he can't get out of the mindset.
"Look, don't you dare tell me to shut up," Adam said, so upset he was on the verge of tears. "I know you're good. I know you're good at hiding everything. And maybe you can go on living your life, acting like nothing's happened, acting like everything's going to be all right, pretending there's still hope that someone's going to find us, convincing yourself that you've never fucking touched me and that John's still alive and waiting on you back at home. But I'm not as good as you, all right?"
His ears were ringing again, and his eye burned from the combination of sweat, tears, and the intensity of the sun. He rubbed his eyes on the back of his dirt smeared hand, leaving a smudge behind on his cheek, but even if he had known, he wouldn't have cared. Nothing really mattered to him anymore but being understood -- finding someone that could understand him or he could force to understand him.
"I admit it, all right?! I'm not as good as you Jesse. I can't just pretend this is all some crazy dream and that I'm going to wake up and everything's going to be all right. I didn't just dream everything fell apart, it really has, Jesse! It really has, and you don't have to be a fucking bastard all the fucking time," He half cried, half screamed as he stood in front of Jesse, staring him straight in the eye before putting his hands on his shoulders. "We're not the same people we were when we stepped on that plane, things have changed, and you know it."
And Jesse didn't have a response. He didn't want to argue, because that's all they'd done. They'd argued and they'd fucked, and isn't that a fantastic way to form a relationship?
Of course Jesse felt guilty. He'd felt guilty for the way he acted toward Adam even before the plane crash, because that's what Jesse does. He didn't know how to keep track of his emotions, and so he made up whatever came to mind.
Jesse didn't have a response, so he just stood there, staring at Adam, in that sympathetic, pensive way.
Adam held his gaze for a few moments, searching Jesse's eyes for any sort of sign that he felt anything at all, that anything he'd said had struck something inside of him, but the only thing he could recognize was the same blue veil of emotion he had seen every time before when he'd looked at him.
"Can't you say anything to me?" he softly asked, his voice weak and somewhat fragile sounding.
But before he could even form an answer for him, Adam pulled Jesse to him and pressed their lips together in the first actual kiss they'd ever shared.