On love, marriage, children, and happiness.
Where do I even start? My usual disclaimer is that my writing in LJ is rambly..this one will be no different. I will also say that much of this is "inspired" by personal observations and conversations with real people that are a part of my life. Many things will be opinions, but are based on actual observations of true life. :)
The topic of marriage has been brought up over and over during that past 2 or so years of my life. Not only personally, but in the media and other places as well. Until recently I never gave a shit about marriage. I have never been interested in being married. I don't care about legal documents and ceremonial commitments, and I could care less whether gays choose to get married or not. I don't care what others choose to do with their lives. But lately there has been all the hubbub about gay marriage, marriage equality, religious backlash, etc etc. I hear or read something about marriage almost every day (except when I'm tucked away in the mountains). And in my own personal life the topic came up a little over a year ago when my partner asked me to marry her, and still does when people constantly try to convince my partner and I to get legally married in NH. I DID agree to a ceremonial marriage, going against everything I've ever thought I wanted (which is a different story I won't get in to here). I pretty much refuse to get a "legal" marriage in NH. I have several reasons: 1. The brand of marriage that gay people are allowed to have in certain places now is "separate but equal" and I only agree with equal marriage for ALL. Until it is truly equal I won't even consider it. Until it is simply called "marriage," not "gay marriage." 2. I don't personally need a piece of paper to define my commitment. And I don't need the government to recognize who I am in a relationship with. Its none of anyone's business. 3. I don't truly believe in traditional marriage...as in two people promising to be together until death no matter what. I'll get to the "until death do us part" later. But I also believe that humans have the capacity to love more than just one single person during their lifetime. I don't believe there is just ONE fish in the sea for every person. I think we can love many different people without losing or changing the love we have for another person. While humans (mainly Americans) get wrapped up in the toils of complete monogamy, other cultures and animal species are happily living with multiple partners and not suffering the dregs of divorce and unhappy relationships. Enough said.
Now for the "until death do us part." I think its a good goal. I would like to be one of those people who is happy and healthy in their relationship until death. I don't PLAN on things going otherwise. But in all honesty, I would never be able to promise anyone anything FOREVER, other than that I will do my best in everything. Its just not logical. People grow apart, people realize suddenly someday that the relationship they've been in really isn't healthy anymore and its time to get out. I'm not talking divorce for the sake of giving up. I'm just saying there's no guarantee that a relationship of any kind will last forever, nor that it should. If my wife committed a horrendous crime someday and went to prison for life, I honestly cannot promise that I would stand by her side and honor "til death do us part."
When it comes to marriage and relationships I also believe that they should be equal and fair. I know, fairness doesn't really exist in the world, but something close to it does. This gets into the real meat of my thoughts today, the reason I'm even writing about this. I have been blessed with a partner who sees eye to eye with me. Although we are two VERY different individuals, we have mutual respect for each other. It sounds simple, but it really goes a long way. I realize we have not been together very long, but to compensate for that, we HAVE been through some major changes and challenges in that short time. So I don't think the respect is a short-term facade. We have never had a fight through any of it. Voices have never been raised, and no tears of anger have ever been shed. No door slamming, no silent treatment, no threat-making. Have we disagreed on something? Sure, but do I remember a big deal being made of it? Never. I think the fact that I don't even remember disagreements is a sign that they were resolved in good fashion. On the other hand I DO remember loud, horrible, useless, unresolved fights with an ex from several years ago. And they only bring back negative memories of this person I was very close to. Anyway...I hate fighting, of any kind. It is completely and utterly pointless. It never resolves anything, and it mostly just makes people more angry, and makes the relationship unfair and unequal.
I don't know much about spousal fighting in same sex relationships...I don't have many gay friends that are partnered. But I do know many straight families that fight often. Friends, family, or just people I see at Walmart or where I work. Whenever I see it happening or a friend tells me about a fight they had, it gives me a sick feeling in my stomach. Its 1000 times worse when it takes place in front of children or where kids can hear it happening. I want to say to these people WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?!?! Oh wait, they're not. They are only thinking about themselves. Fighting is a selfish act. One person wants things their way and the other person disagrees. Does anyone ever stop and think about what they are really doing AND how it affects those around them? Just stop! This reminds me of those little stop sign patches they sew on the backs of kids' hockey jerseys so that the kid who's planning on checking you into the boards and breaking your neck might see it before they do so and STOP. Adults need STOP FIGHTING patches. Easier said than done right? Some people just have fighting personalities. Nothing in life is ever good enough unless it goes exactly as they want it. Well, wake the fuck up! The earth revolves around the sun, not YOU. Stop for one fucking second, and think about what you are fighting about, how it might better be resolved, and if maybe you are being a little overreactive. Its simple, it really is. Nothing in life is so important that you need to hurt the ones you love over it. If you're hurting them, you are not loving them. And you don't deserve them.
I think I could write for hours on what it means to be in an equal partnership, but I'm so angry right now that I don't want to get into it too deep. All I can say is partners should treat each other how they wish to be treated. And equal means that both parties entered into the relationship, and therefor both parties take equal responsibility for ALL parts of the relationship..this includes the children you may have. This means that even if you don't like to do chores or you dont think its "your job" to clean the toilet (even though you shit in it too), or if you don't really relate to kids so you never spend time with them....YOU SIGNED UP FOR IT. It IS your responsibility to clean up your own shit once in a while, and it IS your responsibility to help raise YOUR kids. I guarantee your relationship will be 10 times better if you each did your share, and if you treat each other respectfully. Try it. You may like it.
All of this relates to personal happiness. I am a firm believer that each individual is in charge of his or her own happiness. There are people and other things that may add or take away from this happiness, but only you can truly change your level of happiness in life. I've even had a psychologist reassure me of this idea. Each person makes choices that affect his/her happiness, and only that individual can make choices to change that. If something in life makes you really happy, you need to find a way to keep it. If something in life makes you really unhappy, only you can to do something to change it. This sounds like a selfish ideology right? Except that if you are not happy with your own life, there is no way you can provide happiness for others. This idea is a struggle even for me. But I have recognized that its a struggle and I can step back and evaluate my life on a higher level now. It means take your life/happiness/well-being into your own hands. Be responsible for yourself, because its no one else's job to make sure you're happy.
I have so many other thoughts in my head, but I will end it with this: It genuinely hurts me to know (or witness) people I know and love fighting. It hurts me when my students talk about their parents fighting at home. Children raised in a home environment with fighting grow up and treat their own families the same way. It is so unnecessary. It hurts everyone. Please stop fighting, and find a different way. And THINK before you act. Always.
The topic of marriage has been brought up over and over during that past 2 or so years of my life. Not only personally, but in the media and other places as well. Until recently I never gave a shit about marriage. I have never been interested in being married. I don't care about legal documents and ceremonial commitments, and I could care less whether gays choose to get married or not. I don't care what others choose to do with their lives. But lately there has been all the hubbub about gay marriage, marriage equality, religious backlash, etc etc. I hear or read something about marriage almost every day (except when I'm tucked away in the mountains). And in my own personal life the topic came up a little over a year ago when my partner asked me to marry her, and still does when people constantly try to convince my partner and I to get legally married in NH. I DID agree to a ceremonial marriage, going against everything I've ever thought I wanted (which is a different story I won't get in to here). I pretty much refuse to get a "legal" marriage in NH. I have several reasons: 1. The brand of marriage that gay people are allowed to have in certain places now is "separate but equal" and I only agree with equal marriage for ALL. Until it is truly equal I won't even consider it. Until it is simply called "marriage," not "gay marriage." 2. I don't personally need a piece of paper to define my commitment. And I don't need the government to recognize who I am in a relationship with. Its none of anyone's business. 3. I don't truly believe in traditional marriage...as in two people promising to be together until death no matter what. I'll get to the "until death do us part" later. But I also believe that humans have the capacity to love more than just one single person during their lifetime. I don't believe there is just ONE fish in the sea for every person. I think we can love many different people without losing or changing the love we have for another person. While humans (mainly Americans) get wrapped up in the toils of complete monogamy, other cultures and animal species are happily living with multiple partners and not suffering the dregs of divorce and unhappy relationships. Enough said.
Now for the "until death do us part." I think its a good goal. I would like to be one of those people who is happy and healthy in their relationship until death. I don't PLAN on things going otherwise. But in all honesty, I would never be able to promise anyone anything FOREVER, other than that I will do my best in everything. Its just not logical. People grow apart, people realize suddenly someday that the relationship they've been in really isn't healthy anymore and its time to get out. I'm not talking divorce for the sake of giving up. I'm just saying there's no guarantee that a relationship of any kind will last forever, nor that it should. If my wife committed a horrendous crime someday and went to prison for life, I honestly cannot promise that I would stand by her side and honor "til death do us part."
When it comes to marriage and relationships I also believe that they should be equal and fair. I know, fairness doesn't really exist in the world, but something close to it does. This gets into the real meat of my thoughts today, the reason I'm even writing about this. I have been blessed with a partner who sees eye to eye with me. Although we are two VERY different individuals, we have mutual respect for each other. It sounds simple, but it really goes a long way. I realize we have not been together very long, but to compensate for that, we HAVE been through some major changes and challenges in that short time. So I don't think the respect is a short-term facade. We have never had a fight through any of it. Voices have never been raised, and no tears of anger have ever been shed. No door slamming, no silent treatment, no threat-making. Have we disagreed on something? Sure, but do I remember a big deal being made of it? Never. I think the fact that I don't even remember disagreements is a sign that they were resolved in good fashion. On the other hand I DO remember loud, horrible, useless, unresolved fights with an ex from several years ago. And they only bring back negative memories of this person I was very close to. Anyway...I hate fighting, of any kind. It is completely and utterly pointless. It never resolves anything, and it mostly just makes people more angry, and makes the relationship unfair and unequal.
I don't know much about spousal fighting in same sex relationships...I don't have many gay friends that are partnered. But I do know many straight families that fight often. Friends, family, or just people I see at Walmart or where I work. Whenever I see it happening or a friend tells me about a fight they had, it gives me a sick feeling in my stomach. Its 1000 times worse when it takes place in front of children or where kids can hear it happening. I want to say to these people WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?!?! Oh wait, they're not. They are only thinking about themselves. Fighting is a selfish act. One person wants things their way and the other person disagrees. Does anyone ever stop and think about what they are really doing AND how it affects those around them? Just stop! This reminds me of those little stop sign patches they sew on the backs of kids' hockey jerseys so that the kid who's planning on checking you into the boards and breaking your neck might see it before they do so and STOP. Adults need STOP FIGHTING patches. Easier said than done right? Some people just have fighting personalities. Nothing in life is ever good enough unless it goes exactly as they want it. Well, wake the fuck up! The earth revolves around the sun, not YOU. Stop for one fucking second, and think about what you are fighting about, how it might better be resolved, and if maybe you are being a little overreactive. Its simple, it really is. Nothing in life is so important that you need to hurt the ones you love over it. If you're hurting them, you are not loving them. And you don't deserve them.
I think I could write for hours on what it means to be in an equal partnership, but I'm so angry right now that I don't want to get into it too deep. All I can say is partners should treat each other how they wish to be treated. And equal means that both parties entered into the relationship, and therefor both parties take equal responsibility for ALL parts of the relationship..this includes the children you may have. This means that even if you don't like to do chores or you dont think its "your job" to clean the toilet (even though you shit in it too), or if you don't really relate to kids so you never spend time with them....YOU SIGNED UP FOR IT. It IS your responsibility to clean up your own shit once in a while, and it IS your responsibility to help raise YOUR kids. I guarantee your relationship will be 10 times better if you each did your share, and if you treat each other respectfully. Try it. You may like it.
All of this relates to personal happiness. I am a firm believer that each individual is in charge of his or her own happiness. There are people and other things that may add or take away from this happiness, but only you can truly change your level of happiness in life. I've even had a psychologist reassure me of this idea. Each person makes choices that affect his/her happiness, and only that individual can make choices to change that. If something in life makes you really happy, you need to find a way to keep it. If something in life makes you really unhappy, only you can to do something to change it. This sounds like a selfish ideology right? Except that if you are not happy with your own life, there is no way you can provide happiness for others. This idea is a struggle even for me. But I have recognized that its a struggle and I can step back and evaluate my life on a higher level now. It means take your life/happiness/well-being into your own hands. Be responsible for yourself, because its no one else's job to make sure you're happy.
I have so many other thoughts in my head, but I will end it with this: It genuinely hurts me to know (or witness) people I know and love fighting. It hurts me when my students talk about their parents fighting at home. Children raised in a home environment with fighting grow up and treat their own families the same way. It is so unnecessary. It hurts everyone. Please stop fighting, and find a different way. And THINK before you act. Always.