give me a chance to hold on
It's life. No one gets out alive.
The future has yet to be, and the past is bullshit. All we have is the now, and until we realize that, I'm pretty sure we're lost. The moment is the only truth we have.
So, I was at Grant's last night after work, and I'm not exactly sure what we talked about all night. All I know is we killed a bottle of Jack and he cooked some amazing food at 3 AM simply because he felt like it. It has seriously been a while since I've been quite that fucked up. I can usually be fine to drive after drinking for a bit, and last night I could not not NOT drive and crashed on the couch until sunrise. I woke up to Grant passed out on the floor. It was hilarious and I hope the night will come back to me sometime today.
I notice that after drinking whiskey, my body likes to pass out and my heart likes to wake it up 3 hours later. Woke up at 10:30 with my heart going a mile a minute. And I'm starving. Yay Saturday night drinking with friends! I love Grant so much. I imagine this is what it's like to have a brother.
I appreciate people more and more who make me think deeper. I hang out with Grant so much because he helps me think about things I wouldn't always think about on my own, and sometimes he makes me go places I am afraid to go in my head. Only by scouring these inner depths can I get to truly know my desires and begin accepting them. I used to hate getting introspective because it made me retreat into my own head and that was NOT a good place to be for extended periods of time. Being pensive meant depression.
This morning, during my brief sleep spell, I had an interesting dream. I was at a dinner party on my mother's deck, and everyone there was a Buddhist. They were of every ethnicity and age, and everyone was talkative and welcoming. It felt rather like a Christian feast gathering, except that everyone was being super genuine about their acceptance. There was no air of appropriation or judgment. Then someone said that it was time for the ritual before eating, which meant everyone pushed their own plate towards the middle of the table as a gesture of sharing whatever we have with everyone present. We shared all of our food, and I remember it was all delicious. I am not sure what it means, but I assume spending time with Eric has something to do with it.
It feels nice to not focus on my relationships so much. This full-time job is beneficial to someone like me, because my time has become that much more precious due to its scarcity. I need to be kept busy. And I need to be kept awake. It has been much easier to sleep the whole night through now that my days are full. Plus, if I think about the fact that Justin is engaged or how much I want to be happy like Annie and Marc or how nice it would be to be devoted to someone or how much Steven loves me, I might hit something and/or explode. Maybe I'll watch a romantic movie today, because I enjoy being a glutton for punishment.
Eric told me yesterday that he wasn't scared away by the fact that I have cheated on my exes simply because I admitted it to him. I realized my intention wasn't to test his reaction at all, but to be completely honest. Honestly. That was it. We talk about relationships so much, and that was a huge part of my relationship dynamic in the past. Feeling like there was something better than what I had. Good God, I hope I never experience that again. I think I want to feel secure in a relationship, but what is feeling secure? I don't think we can force falling in love, but when we do, feeling secure is a choice. I can't just wait around for someone to come along and make me feel safe. It is as much of a give as it is a take. I would have to give myself over to someones care to allow them to protect me. It would be unwrapping my heart and exposing it to the elements before tucking it into a new home. That thought scares the hell out of me... which is probably why I've never done it right.
I live my life by song lyrics. Is that wrong? It doesn't feel wrong.
If you loved me, you'd be here with me.
There is no future, there is no past, I live this moment as my last.
It's so clear now that you are all that I have.
It's hard to argue when you won't stop making sense.
With my hands open, and my eyes open, I just keep hopin' that your heart opens.
This is how we'll dance when they try to take us down.
Under your skin feels like home, electric shocks on aching bones.
Give me a chance to hold on.
The future has yet to be, and the past is bullshit. All we have is the now, and until we realize that, I'm pretty sure we're lost. The moment is the only truth we have.
So, I was at Grant's last night after work, and I'm not exactly sure what we talked about all night. All I know is we killed a bottle of Jack and he cooked some amazing food at 3 AM simply because he felt like it. It has seriously been a while since I've been quite that fucked up. I can usually be fine to drive after drinking for a bit, and last night I could not not NOT drive and crashed on the couch until sunrise. I woke up to Grant passed out on the floor. It was hilarious and I hope the night will come back to me sometime today.
I notice that after drinking whiskey, my body likes to pass out and my heart likes to wake it up 3 hours later. Woke up at 10:30 with my heart going a mile a minute. And I'm starving. Yay Saturday night drinking with friends! I love Grant so much. I imagine this is what it's like to have a brother.
I appreciate people more and more who make me think deeper. I hang out with Grant so much because he helps me think about things I wouldn't always think about on my own, and sometimes he makes me go places I am afraid to go in my head. Only by scouring these inner depths can I get to truly know my desires and begin accepting them. I used to hate getting introspective because it made me retreat into my own head and that was NOT a good place to be for extended periods of time. Being pensive meant depression.
This morning, during my brief sleep spell, I had an interesting dream. I was at a dinner party on my mother's deck, and everyone there was a Buddhist. They were of every ethnicity and age, and everyone was talkative and welcoming. It felt rather like a Christian feast gathering, except that everyone was being super genuine about their acceptance. There was no air of appropriation or judgment. Then someone said that it was time for the ritual before eating, which meant everyone pushed their own plate towards the middle of the table as a gesture of sharing whatever we have with everyone present. We shared all of our food, and I remember it was all delicious. I am not sure what it means, but I assume spending time with Eric has something to do with it.
It feels nice to not focus on my relationships so much. This full-time job is beneficial to someone like me, because my time has become that much more precious due to its scarcity. I need to be kept busy. And I need to be kept awake. It has been much easier to sleep the whole night through now that my days are full. Plus, if I think about the fact that Justin is engaged or how much I want to be happy like Annie and Marc or how nice it would be to be devoted to someone or how much Steven loves me, I might hit something and/or explode. Maybe I'll watch a romantic movie today, because I enjoy being a glutton for punishment.
Eric told me yesterday that he wasn't scared away by the fact that I have cheated on my exes simply because I admitted it to him. I realized my intention wasn't to test his reaction at all, but to be completely honest. Honestly. That was it. We talk about relationships so much, and that was a huge part of my relationship dynamic in the past. Feeling like there was something better than what I had. Good God, I hope I never experience that again. I think I want to feel secure in a relationship, but what is feeling secure? I don't think we can force falling in love, but when we do, feeling secure is a choice. I can't just wait around for someone to come along and make me feel safe. It is as much of a give as it is a take. I would have to give myself over to someones care to allow them to protect me. It would be unwrapping my heart and exposing it to the elements before tucking it into a new home. That thought scares the hell out of me... which is probably why I've never done it right.
I live my life by song lyrics. Is that wrong? It doesn't feel wrong.
If you loved me, you'd be here with me.
There is no future, there is no past, I live this moment as my last.
It's so clear now that you are all that I have.
It's hard to argue when you won't stop making sense.
With my hands open, and my eyes open, I just keep hopin' that your heart opens.
This is how we'll dance when they try to take us down.
Under your skin feels like home, electric shocks on aching bones.
Give me a chance to hold on.