you're seeing right through me anyway
"I'm the one that's acting like I'm so strong.
You're the one that's acting like nothing's wrong.
Can we skip the charades?"
Oh, my darling. Would that you knew just how terrified you make me.
I am, once again, awake at an ungodly hour and unable to do much else but plough through Game of Thrones. Only the fact that I've watched some of the show helps my mind keep all of the damned characters in order. I'm far too visual when it comes to putting a face to characters in books - they have always been blurry and faceless in my mind; human forms of vague description that nonetheless move and speak with the grace afforded them by the author. I have always visualized characters due to the shape of their names. Certain letters inspire certain imagery for me - so has it always been. I cannot learn much if I cannot see it written. I cannot learn to say something if I don't know how to spell it. Hence, why I have an awful time learning languages without a textbook.
My dreams are tending toward the catastrophic and destructive. Major events that devastate, yet are not of much consequence to me in my dream. Large objects are easily shifted. The very floor can move beneath me, or be blasted with holes big enough for cars to fall through. Everything is massive, yet tangible. Like if I so chose, I could move the Earth.
I woke up this morning thinking of Jeffrey. I'm sure there is a way to embrace this part of my past and love it as a part of me and fucking move on, but right now I just don't see it. It still burns icy hot at the bottom of my heart.
I don't have an addictive personality. I never got addicted to smoking, or TV shows, or whatever other vices we Americans cling to. Even as a self-proclaimed sex addict, I never noticed any sort of ardent need for sex itself. I don't need any sort of fix. I am adaptive and conformational. And yet... I am beginning to realize just how easy it is for me to become attached to a person. Like I've said several times, I fear personal rejection, but I'll be damned if I don't latch on with both claws and hope for the best. I invest a lot in people; I like to see the best in them. They tend to let me down, and it is no one's fault but my own.
As much as I expect, I am incapable of holding a grudge. I have recently found a certain artistry in rolling with the punches. What else can you do when everything you've built up comes crashing down about you? Some things you cannot control, so alter the things you can.
My vision is still blurry, unfocused, and obscure. I spend too much time outside my own head, and not enough time spilling the contents of my skull onto paper. If nothing else, I gain a page full of writing and an oh-so-precious glimpse of perspective.
You're the one that's acting like nothing's wrong.
Can we skip the charades?"
Oh, my darling. Would that you knew just how terrified you make me.
I am, once again, awake at an ungodly hour and unable to do much else but plough through Game of Thrones. Only the fact that I've watched some of the show helps my mind keep all of the damned characters in order. I'm far too visual when it comes to putting a face to characters in books - they have always been blurry and faceless in my mind; human forms of vague description that nonetheless move and speak with the grace afforded them by the author. I have always visualized characters due to the shape of their names. Certain letters inspire certain imagery for me - so has it always been. I cannot learn much if I cannot see it written. I cannot learn to say something if I don't know how to spell it. Hence, why I have an awful time learning languages without a textbook.
My dreams are tending toward the catastrophic and destructive. Major events that devastate, yet are not of much consequence to me in my dream. Large objects are easily shifted. The very floor can move beneath me, or be blasted with holes big enough for cars to fall through. Everything is massive, yet tangible. Like if I so chose, I could move the Earth.
I woke up this morning thinking of Jeffrey. I'm sure there is a way to embrace this part of my past and love it as a part of me and fucking move on, but right now I just don't see it. It still burns icy hot at the bottom of my heart.
I don't have an addictive personality. I never got addicted to smoking, or TV shows, or whatever other vices we Americans cling to. Even as a self-proclaimed sex addict, I never noticed any sort of ardent need for sex itself. I don't need any sort of fix. I am adaptive and conformational. And yet... I am beginning to realize just how easy it is for me to become attached to a person. Like I've said several times, I fear personal rejection, but I'll be damned if I don't latch on with both claws and hope for the best. I invest a lot in people; I like to see the best in them. They tend to let me down, and it is no one's fault but my own.
As much as I expect, I am incapable of holding a grudge. I have recently found a certain artistry in rolling with the punches. What else can you do when everything you've built up comes crashing down about you? Some things you cannot control, so alter the things you can.
My vision is still blurry, unfocused, and obscure. I spend too much time outside my own head, and not enough time spilling the contents of my skull onto paper. If nothing else, I gain a page full of writing and an oh-so-precious glimpse of perspective.