May 29, 1948 Some days are better than others
Today was truly bad. Except the end.
It didn't start out that way. The swelling had went down on my face. And i got most of the stuff on my face covered, like i always do. And my tooth was tight again, though my jaw hurt some. Linney still thought i was dumb. Mr Hammad still thought i was dumb. I thought taht was pretty funny since whenever i brought it up, somebody said i wasn't. I am dumb. And i prolly shouldn'ta done it. But i have to get him. I have to get him before he gets them.
The townfolk were nice. They gave me ice and stuff. Mrs Allen told me he wasn't worth it, i didn't bother trying to explain. I didn't know we were the holiness people, I had no way to explain, so i smiled and nodded. if that's all it was, i might agree. But it's not. The grandfather said i would learn to protect my sisters. I would learn to find these goddamn bodyhopping demons and I would be able to lead my friends to them.
I know Locks couldn't stand up to them. I don't now how long she'd been around or how much she knew. I know alone i won't be able to take them, but now i'm a tool and not a cracked wheel. Nothing i hate more than being useless.
Linney was still mad at me. So i went to pick strawberries. Lizzie says i should talk to her, but it's impossible right after she calls me names. So I went to get strawberries. That's where i was pretty damn dumb too. I picked with Betsy. She's real pretty. I'd pay for her hair, i thought her problems were so down to earth. and normal. Her fellow got mad cuz she got herself in a bad situation and had to use her body to get out of it. But if it's truly so common up here, he'll get over it right? Well he might've. If i'd been paying better attention. We didn't just talk about her fella. We talked about the other guy. She told me what happened, and what she had to do. And she tole me that the other boy gave her a bad feeling. But i re-arranged that in my head. We went balk to talking about why Burden was the right guy. He was, except he was jealous. And he might get over that. I tole her i'd be glad to help her do up her face if she'd help me do up my hair. She put on a red dress and she looked absolutely divine. I saw him, and he was kinda pouting, but i knew they'd made up.
Only she had the misfortun to dance with the other boy. So he got madder instead of less mad. But i'll get back to that. I think burden really loved her, and was afraid. But then, that's the softie in me. Could be he's just jealous, could be he's got the bad blood they keep talking about. Could be anything. I guess. I'll never know. i shoudla talked to him after the car race, but i didn't figure that being beat by two girls because he had car trouble not because he was bad at what he was doing made him feel any better about being beat by two girls. You don't want to talk to the girl that beat you about your own girl at that point.
We come back from berry picking and have lunch. i talk to Linney and we're ok. I think she understands why I done what I done. I can't make her love him, but i can convince her to accept that I done it, and not him. Right? Wrong.
He shows up and she lights into him. I'm not even there at the time. She hollered some, and she called the sherrif. And man by the time that was over she didn't even like the sherrif. but there's nothing he can do if me n kendall don't press charges. Won't even admit it happened. I'm sorry she got put down like that, but she don't listen to me. She said she'd back down. She said it to my face. And she's reall mad too.
It's like she ain't never made a mistake in her life. Like God ain't put us in this situation for a reason. Somehow it's all his fault. But you know what? No matter what she thinks, he's not the evil we need to fight. She's wasting her energy on him. But anyway, she's becoming insufrable again, so i run off and drive a car. I got so much on my mind i don't take any real risks, and that ain't no way to win a car race. The sherrif was impressed enough to ask me to help that night, so i tell him i'll talk to Wolf. Turns out, Archie needs me to be in his ritual thing. That's fine, i woudn't let them do anything without me anyway. I'm scared enough.
Doe was with us picking. She gave me and kendall these pulchises. They made my bruises go away. She even gave me one that would make my scar not red. If it works, i will owe her my soul. I espose that's better than owing it to Nick Black, but that's a story for later.
We sang great. that made me feel better, until Burden went after Betsy. Then i coudln't decide who to watch, Burden or Betsy. She run off with Eugene after her. I chose wrong. We watched Burden. I shoulda watched Betsy, or rather Eugene.
After the dance we found her. He'd cut her up bad. She fought like a demon. I wanted to cry. Cus if it was the monsters, it means it's our fault she died. So i sat with her mom, and helped Sid some. Took his notes. After he was done, he let her mom kiss her goodbye. I know from experience you got to have that. Cuz i never did. And look what it done to me.
We got back just as they figured out it warn't Burden, which is what both Alice and I was trying to say to Sherrif MacMillan, but she was his little girl, and couldn't anybody in the town think it was Eugene. It was Eugene. He wasn't right in the head. And he was a Goad. Which seems like a pretty cursed name to be. Given my druthers, i think i'd' rather be with a Marien than a Goad. But that's neither here nor there. When i got close Mr Goad was shouting at Eugene, then i made sure i told Sid what i knew. And beat myself soundly for not thinking to tell somebody before.... I went to the necessary and when i got back Mr Goad was shouting at Christine. But then Wolf come for the ritual. And he was scared as hell. I didn't want to leave him. I wanted to be there if he made a move for the skull.
You know?
When i could, i watched him like a hawk. When i couldn't Breed did. Kendall just did her best to stay between Wind and Wolf. It was odd. I couldn't figure why Jim was there. I couldn't figure why lizzie and Mrs Jones were there neither. The indians were there to either help or hinder, or maybe both. I kinda wish Linney wasn't. I don't know what the grandfather said to her, but it probly wasn't good. She's a cat person. Wind had gone somewhere at some point and put on feathers and paint and he looked like a movie star. Mr Tolliver came too. He and Archie and Wind went to the other place. I watched Wolf. He give me his gun. just in case. Not to say i didn't have mine, but that he definitley shouldn'ta had his. They had the skull out. He couldn't take his eyes off it. When they come back from the other place i saw archie do a double take on mister tolliver. And then Jim wanted to know why he had gone. They talked a bit, and I watched wolf a bit. Jim was shouting at the air in german. Then they did this weird thingy that made me think of catholic mass. First this, then this, then that, and don't get out of order. I wasn't cold, but i had about four coats on. When we was doing this push energy into the center thing Wolf almost fell down. like i had been doing everything else with one eye on him so i could grab his hand when it was leading him toward the skull, i was pushing with one hand. I caught him, but then he got up by himself. He wasn't himself, but that's different. The grandfather had come. He said the tie was broken. And he owed Archie. First he kinda sniffed everyone out. I heard a lot of what he said, but i didn't hear what he said to Linney. Wish i had. she didn't talk to me after. He seemed shocked to see Mr Shepherdson. Well i was too, kinda. I knew he was some kind of seer. but i couldn't figure what he had to do.
He gave wind a question, but when he asked, he answered himself too. It didn't make him happy. But, kendall is in. I might be sorry she went in blind, but i know she ain't leaving. Archie asked for help against the monsters. He said he'd show us (me n kendall) how to find them. I can't remember if anyone else asked. With the grandfather in him, i didn't need to watch him, so i stepped back. But when the grandfather left, there was no strength in him. Me n Breed got him to the truck. I tucked him in my blanket. I was pretty proud of him. It takes a kinda strenth to look hard at your mistakes and ask other people to help fix them for you. That's how i knew he was not evil, back in Jersey. He got help. Made a deal he didn't much like to get it. Because now he owes all those people, even Linney. He'll remember when he needs to, or maybe i'll remind him. But I'm not sure i'd be happy to owe a couple players and indians. In the end, maybe i will. But it'll probably bother me. Even if it's just Archie. He don't owe me, but thats cuz i got what i wanted. It was more work than it oughta be but it's true. If we learn how to sniff the monsters out, then we'll always know when they're around. That was the special bonus toy in the cracker jacks though.
We got back. Linney was leaning against OJ and OJ'd been avoiding me and Wolf needed me, so i made sure Sara knew what i knew about Wolf and where Linney was. And he had me take him to the fire. I think he was cold. I kep him wrapped up. But i couldn't convince him to go to sleep. he just stared at the fire and sometimes laughed at what he was listning to. Some folks was going up to talk to Nick Black, who'd been the great fiddler that got everybody dancing. Sounded like he was the devil himself. Maybe he was. They gone up. Me n Breed got Wolf into a tent. I got his shoes off before his lights were out, but that's about it. I put them, his hat, tie and belt on the floor. crawled into my bag and pulled you out, dear diary.
It's probably a record. I think it was 1937 the last time i had more 'n' one date before the inevitable. Granted that was something like six hundred dates before the inevitable, but still. Here i am somewhere between three and four now. Still no inevitable. There's four inches, two zips and both of ours clothes between us. It's weird. something's changing. I used to think they were pathetic when they were down or hurt. But even OJ and Wind somehow didn't seem so bad when they were down. And Daniel too...I am happy. I ain't worried anymore.It don't much matter what they think. To ask them, i been with the whole place. What I have or havn't done isn't their business. But that doesn't stop it from making me think about this. Anyway. I only stayed in here because of one thing. Otherise i'd have gone somewhere else.
He smells so good.
It didn't start out that way. The swelling had went down on my face. And i got most of the stuff on my face covered, like i always do. And my tooth was tight again, though my jaw hurt some. Linney still thought i was dumb. Mr Hammad still thought i was dumb. I thought taht was pretty funny since whenever i brought it up, somebody said i wasn't. I am dumb. And i prolly shouldn'ta done it. But i have to get him. I have to get him before he gets them.
The townfolk were nice. They gave me ice and stuff. Mrs Allen told me he wasn't worth it, i didn't bother trying to explain. I didn't know we were the holiness people, I had no way to explain, so i smiled and nodded. if that's all it was, i might agree. But it's not. The grandfather said i would learn to protect my sisters. I would learn to find these goddamn bodyhopping demons and I would be able to lead my friends to them.
I know Locks couldn't stand up to them. I don't now how long she'd been around or how much she knew. I know alone i won't be able to take them, but now i'm a tool and not a cracked wheel. Nothing i hate more than being useless.
Linney was still mad at me. So i went to pick strawberries. Lizzie says i should talk to her, but it's impossible right after she calls me names. So I went to get strawberries. That's where i was pretty damn dumb too. I picked with Betsy. She's real pretty. I'd pay for her hair, i thought her problems were so down to earth. and normal. Her fellow got mad cuz she got herself in a bad situation and had to use her body to get out of it. But if it's truly so common up here, he'll get over it right? Well he might've. If i'd been paying better attention. We didn't just talk about her fella. We talked about the other guy. She told me what happened, and what she had to do. And she tole me that the other boy gave her a bad feeling. But i re-arranged that in my head. We went balk to talking about why Burden was the right guy. He was, except he was jealous. And he might get over that. I tole her i'd be glad to help her do up her face if she'd help me do up my hair. She put on a red dress and she looked absolutely divine. I saw him, and he was kinda pouting, but i knew they'd made up.
Only she had the misfortun to dance with the other boy. So he got madder instead of less mad. But i'll get back to that. I think burden really loved her, and was afraid. But then, that's the softie in me. Could be he's just jealous, could be he's got the bad blood they keep talking about. Could be anything. I guess. I'll never know. i shoudla talked to him after the car race, but i didn't figure that being beat by two girls because he had car trouble not because he was bad at what he was doing made him feel any better about being beat by two girls. You don't want to talk to the girl that beat you about your own girl at that point.
We come back from berry picking and have lunch. i talk to Linney and we're ok. I think she understands why I done what I done. I can't make her love him, but i can convince her to accept that I done it, and not him. Right? Wrong.
He shows up and she lights into him. I'm not even there at the time. She hollered some, and she called the sherrif. And man by the time that was over she didn't even like the sherrif. but there's nothing he can do if me n kendall don't press charges. Won't even admit it happened. I'm sorry she got put down like that, but she don't listen to me. She said she'd back down. She said it to my face. And she's reall mad too.
It's like she ain't never made a mistake in her life. Like God ain't put us in this situation for a reason. Somehow it's all his fault. But you know what? No matter what she thinks, he's not the evil we need to fight. She's wasting her energy on him. But anyway, she's becoming insufrable again, so i run off and drive a car. I got so much on my mind i don't take any real risks, and that ain't no way to win a car race. The sherrif was impressed enough to ask me to help that night, so i tell him i'll talk to Wolf. Turns out, Archie needs me to be in his ritual thing. That's fine, i woudn't let them do anything without me anyway. I'm scared enough.
Doe was with us picking. She gave me and kendall these pulchises. They made my bruises go away. She even gave me one that would make my scar not red. If it works, i will owe her my soul. I espose that's better than owing it to Nick Black, but that's a story for later.
We sang great. that made me feel better, until Burden went after Betsy. Then i coudln't decide who to watch, Burden or Betsy. She run off with Eugene after her. I chose wrong. We watched Burden. I shoulda watched Betsy, or rather Eugene.
After the dance we found her. He'd cut her up bad. She fought like a demon. I wanted to cry. Cus if it was the monsters, it means it's our fault she died. So i sat with her mom, and helped Sid some. Took his notes. After he was done, he let her mom kiss her goodbye. I know from experience you got to have that. Cuz i never did. And look what it done to me.
We got back just as they figured out it warn't Burden, which is what both Alice and I was trying to say to Sherrif MacMillan, but she was his little girl, and couldn't anybody in the town think it was Eugene. It was Eugene. He wasn't right in the head. And he was a Goad. Which seems like a pretty cursed name to be. Given my druthers, i think i'd' rather be with a Marien than a Goad. But that's neither here nor there. When i got close Mr Goad was shouting at Eugene, then i made sure i told Sid what i knew. And beat myself soundly for not thinking to tell somebody before.... I went to the necessary and when i got back Mr Goad was shouting at Christine. But then Wolf come for the ritual. And he was scared as hell. I didn't want to leave him. I wanted to be there if he made a move for the skull.
You know?
When i could, i watched him like a hawk. When i couldn't Breed did. Kendall just did her best to stay between Wind and Wolf. It was odd. I couldn't figure why Jim was there. I couldn't figure why lizzie and Mrs Jones were there neither. The indians were there to either help or hinder, or maybe both. I kinda wish Linney wasn't. I don't know what the grandfather said to her, but it probly wasn't good. She's a cat person. Wind had gone somewhere at some point and put on feathers and paint and he looked like a movie star. Mr Tolliver came too. He and Archie and Wind went to the other place. I watched Wolf. He give me his gun. just in case. Not to say i didn't have mine, but that he definitley shouldn'ta had his. They had the skull out. He couldn't take his eyes off it. When they come back from the other place i saw archie do a double take on mister tolliver. And then Jim wanted to know why he had gone. They talked a bit, and I watched wolf a bit. Jim was shouting at the air in german. Then they did this weird thingy that made me think of catholic mass. First this, then this, then that, and don't get out of order. I wasn't cold, but i had about four coats on. When we was doing this push energy into the center thing Wolf almost fell down. like i had been doing everything else with one eye on him so i could grab his hand when it was leading him toward the skull, i was pushing with one hand. I caught him, but then he got up by himself. He wasn't himself, but that's different. The grandfather had come. He said the tie was broken. And he owed Archie. First he kinda sniffed everyone out. I heard a lot of what he said, but i didn't hear what he said to Linney. Wish i had. she didn't talk to me after. He seemed shocked to see Mr Shepherdson. Well i was too, kinda. I knew he was some kind of seer. but i couldn't figure what he had to do.
He gave wind a question, but when he asked, he answered himself too. It didn't make him happy. But, kendall is in. I might be sorry she went in blind, but i know she ain't leaving. Archie asked for help against the monsters. He said he'd show us (me n kendall) how to find them. I can't remember if anyone else asked. With the grandfather in him, i didn't need to watch him, so i stepped back. But when the grandfather left, there was no strength in him. Me n Breed got him to the truck. I tucked him in my blanket. I was pretty proud of him. It takes a kinda strenth to look hard at your mistakes and ask other people to help fix them for you. That's how i knew he was not evil, back in Jersey. He got help. Made a deal he didn't much like to get it. Because now he owes all those people, even Linney. He'll remember when he needs to, or maybe i'll remind him. But I'm not sure i'd be happy to owe a couple players and indians. In the end, maybe i will. But it'll probably bother me. Even if it's just Archie. He don't owe me, but thats cuz i got what i wanted. It was more work than it oughta be but it's true. If we learn how to sniff the monsters out, then we'll always know when they're around. That was the special bonus toy in the cracker jacks though.
We got back. Linney was leaning against OJ and OJ'd been avoiding me and Wolf needed me, so i made sure Sara knew what i knew about Wolf and where Linney was. And he had me take him to the fire. I think he was cold. I kep him wrapped up. But i couldn't convince him to go to sleep. he just stared at the fire and sometimes laughed at what he was listning to. Some folks was going up to talk to Nick Black, who'd been the great fiddler that got everybody dancing. Sounded like he was the devil himself. Maybe he was. They gone up. Me n Breed got Wolf into a tent. I got his shoes off before his lights were out, but that's about it. I put them, his hat, tie and belt on the floor. crawled into my bag and pulled you out, dear diary.
It's probably a record. I think it was 1937 the last time i had more 'n' one date before the inevitable. Granted that was something like six hundred dates before the inevitable, but still. Here i am somewhere between three and four now. Still no inevitable. There's four inches, two zips and both of ours clothes between us. It's weird. something's changing. I used to think they were pathetic when they were down or hurt. But even OJ and Wind somehow didn't seem so bad when they were down. And Daniel too...I am happy. I ain't worried anymore.It don't much matter what they think. To ask them, i been with the whole place. What I have or havn't done isn't their business. But that doesn't stop it from making me think about this. Anyway. I only stayed in here because of one thing. Otherise i'd have gone somewhere else.
He smells so good.