i'm not afraid of what you have done....BUT OF WHAT YOU HAVE JUST BECOME.....................
this downward spiral....i'm falling further and further..................this deterioration
is rapidly increasing....taking one step forward and two steps back.....i feel like crawling in a ditch and dying.....
...i hate feeling like a useless fuck...i've always said that people who are...are wastes of life who should've been swallowed...and should go kill themselves....this is really pathetic of me...this behavoir...how much longer can i go on like this...........................
suicide, well i have attempted it..several times..a few years ago....but i must say i somehow wanted to live despite everything...just to see how my life would all unfold....i used to think that people who succeeded in killing themselves where couragous...because they were brave enough to go to a place where they've never been before....to give it all up.... knowing that there would be no turning back.....but the truth is that they are cowards...suicide is for the weak...the weak in spirit....its an exscape...the easy way out...sure maybe not everyone is capable of pulling the trigger or overdosing but that is something that can be done rather quickly....and doesn't require much thought...........but sticking around....in this hell hole for years and years...a life time...without blowing your brains out...now that is fucking courage...so yes no suicide for me..i no longer consider that an option..my spirit isn't shot...i have the ambition...determination and self motivation to drive a horse...but wheres the fucking horse...i feel like a bull..charging in a small enclosed room...no doors...no windows....no space to move around..no light....just four bare walls...enclosing in on me.....but i'm still charging...i have the spirit of a warrior...i feel like life is a battle. i am a raging fire...i turn everything into a battle...if you are not with me than you are against me...thats the way i view things.... i feel like i must battle my way through life...for i have..all alone i have fought for everything i believe in...and i continue to fight...alone.......... i need challenge...opposition...i crave it...i feed off of it...but i also supply it........i'm always waging war...destroying...anger provides me with this great energy...the fuel to change and renew the things around me...i believe in survival of the fittest...social darwinism...the strong shall destroy the weak..but i'm constantly going after challenges..that i cannot handle...things that are greater than me...i do realize that i provoke all the things that happen to me...then i pull out altogether...but i drag things on for far too long and when i cut myself off altogether....its out of no where...so i wind up fucking things up either way...whether i stay in the game or withdraw...i'm always screwed...and if things are going somewhat okay and one thing is going wrong...i put all my focus...energy and effort into that one thing...and manage to destory everything else around me....i risk it all.........its either all or nothing....
whats really fucked up....is that usually that one things always ends up not being worth the price i paid for it.......all that sacrifice....and i'm lucky even if i do end up obtaining it....and when in i do...if rarely....it never ends of being the thing...i thought it was...it wasn't the thing i really wanted........
DAMNED IF YOU DO...AND DAMNED IF YOU DON'T.........
NOT EVERYTHING THAT SHIMMERS IS GOLD......................
would it be too much too ask...for some decent black metal playing in the background....a beer in hand.......a long haired black metaler at my side....a 3.0 GPA at hunter college...and a bonus from work.....and maybe a few pounds lighter if you will...................
i'm not asking for a house from mtv cribs.......a personal trainer....a porsh......an indoor pool....winning the lottory...or that hot gorgeous long haired calvin klein guy that models underwear....
no i didn't.....well not at the moment anyway...so would it be so hard....would it be tooo much.....well i don't happen to think so...i really don't....i'm not asking for the impossible....or maybe i am......
is rapidly increasing....taking one step forward and two steps back.....i feel like crawling in a ditch and dying.....
...i hate feeling like a useless fuck...i've always said that people who are...are wastes of life who should've been swallowed...and should go kill themselves....this is really pathetic of me...this behavoir...how much longer can i go on like this...........................
suicide, well i have attempted it..several times..a few years ago....but i must say i somehow wanted to live despite everything...just to see how my life would all unfold....i used to think that people who succeeded in killing themselves where couragous...because they were brave enough to go to a place where they've never been before....to give it all up.... knowing that there would be no turning back.....but the truth is that they are cowards...suicide is for the weak...the weak in spirit....its an exscape...the easy way out...sure maybe not everyone is capable of pulling the trigger or overdosing but that is something that can be done rather quickly....and doesn't require much thought...........but sticking around....in this hell hole for years and years...a life time...without blowing your brains out...now that is fucking courage...so yes no suicide for me..i no longer consider that an option..my spirit isn't shot...i have the ambition...determination and self motivation to drive a horse...but wheres the fucking horse...i feel like a bull..charging in a small enclosed room...no doors...no windows....no space to move around..no light....just four bare walls...enclosing in on me.....but i'm still charging...i have the spirit of a warrior...i feel like life is a battle. i am a raging fire...i turn everything into a battle...if you are not with me than you are against me...thats the way i view things.... i feel like i must battle my way through life...for i have..all alone i have fought for everything i believe in...and i continue to fight...alone.......... i need challenge...opposition...i crave it...i feed off of it...but i also supply it........i'm always waging war...destroying...anger provides me with this great energy...the fuel to change and renew the things around me...i believe in survival of the fittest...social darwinism...the strong shall destroy the weak..but i'm constantly going after challenges..that i cannot handle...things that are greater than me...i do realize that i provoke all the things that happen to me...then i pull out altogether...but i drag things on for far too long and when i cut myself off altogether....its out of no where...so i wind up fucking things up either way...whether i stay in the game or withdraw...i'm always screwed...and if things are going somewhat okay and one thing is going wrong...i put all my focus...energy and effort into that one thing...and manage to destory everything else around me....i risk it all.........its either all or nothing....
whats really fucked up....is that usually that one things always ends up not being worth the price i paid for it.......all that sacrifice....and i'm lucky even if i do end up obtaining it....and when in i do...if rarely....it never ends of being the thing...i thought it was...it wasn't the thing i really wanted........
DAMNED IF YOU DO...AND DAMNED IF YOU DON'T.........
NOT EVERYTHING THAT SHIMMERS IS GOLD......................
would it be too much too ask...for some decent black metal playing in the background....a beer in hand.......a long haired black metaler at my side....a 3.0 GPA at hunter college...and a bonus from work.....and maybe a few pounds lighter if you will...................
i'm not asking for a house from mtv cribs.......a personal trainer....a porsh......an indoor pool....winning the lottory...or that hot gorgeous long haired calvin klein guy that models underwear....
no i didn't.....well not at the moment anyway...so would it be so hard....would it be tooo much.....well i don't happen to think so...i really don't....i'm not asking for the impossible....or maybe i am......