muse_shuffle - 1.5.5 - You Am I Lyrics - Fall To Fly
Lean on me, lean on me
Give it a try, it won't hurt
~Doug Sahm, You Am I
"Sometimes you wake up. Sometimes the fall kills you. And sometimes, when you fall, you fly." -Neil Gaiman
It's been nearly two months since Johnathon Phelps was paroled for the murder of his nephew Nicky Samson. In that time, I've spent one day at my apartment in Greenwich Village. The rest I've spent staying with Don or Danny. I've received notes, a phone call, and recently - flowers and photographs were sent to Don's apartment. I'm (voluntarily) riding a desk, and there's a squad car posted outside Don's building 24/7. I spent the last five days hiding - cowering - in Don's apartment nursing vodka and crying, jumping when a bird would fly into the window.
I've been living in fear since this began. I've given him power over me. But not all of my power. I'm a survivor. Phelps knows he cannot win, so he's tried to rattle me by sending my brother flowers when he woke from his coma and photos to Don of me. He's tried to destroy me by destroying what keeps me strong.
But what he doesn't know - what he doesn't see - is that it's made us stronger. Yes, us. Me and Don. This has tested our relationship, ourselves, from the beginning. There was a two-week period where I honestly believed it was over for us. I saw no hope, and I waited in a painful limbo, waiting for the other shoe to drop. And, for quite some time, I've been waiting for that shoe.
But it was a little over a week ago that something amazing happened. Don's been growing so tired lately, and I asked him about it. I know quite a bit of it comes from being with me, and I figured it would be easier for him to let me go. I believe it was John Zabat-Zinn that said, "The little things? The little moments? They aren't little." I don't think he'll ever quite understand the impact of seemingly meaningless things, but they've changed everything. He said to me that it was okay that he was tired, because he wants to be with me so he'll work it out. It began to change in that moment. It was such a... perfect thing to say. Simple words. But they were what I needed, they were my reassurance that everything was going to be okay.
He's been using "us" lately. "Phelps is doing this to get to us." "We're in this together." It's a weird sentiment for me. I mean... I think partly it's because by saying us, Don's taking part of this onto himself. And I don't want that, because he's already so tired and he's done so much. I love him too much to put this on his shoulders. I'm learning to let him help carry my burden. Everytime he says "us" or "we" I give him this little look - like a confused child - and he'll sigh or give me this knowing look and I'll remember what he said about being in it together. I'm sure it frustrates him sometimes, but I am learning. Rely on yourself long enough and this type of thing takes a while to kick in. It's a matter of rewiring thought processes and behavior. Like rehabilitation, in a way.
I feel oddly at peace right now. I feel hope. I haven't felt hope in so long. It's such an amazingly warm feeling, that just settles deep within you. I feel like this is going to work out - at least for a while longer. I don't think of this as anything permanent, because I'm far too rational and I tend to live in the here-and-today, not the future. I can almost feel confident that my relationship with Don is secure. He's not going anywhere. He's the stability I've been desperately needing. This isn't killing our relationship. It's making us stronger.
Don is my boyfriend. He is my partner. He is my lover. He is my best friend. He is my strength.
Someone once told me, "Don't say I love you unless you mean it. But if you do, say it often, because people often forget." I never want him to forget.
I love you.
Detective Anna Morasca
Original Character
Law & Order
703 Words
(Flack mentioned is det_don_flack, and Danny mentioned is stillacrime.)
Give it a try, it won't hurt
~Doug Sahm, You Am I
"Sometimes you wake up. Sometimes the fall kills you. And sometimes, when you fall, you fly." -Neil Gaiman
It's been nearly two months since Johnathon Phelps was paroled for the murder of his nephew Nicky Samson. In that time, I've spent one day at my apartment in Greenwich Village. The rest I've spent staying with Don or Danny. I've received notes, a phone call, and recently - flowers and photographs were sent to Don's apartment. I'm (voluntarily) riding a desk, and there's a squad car posted outside Don's building 24/7. I spent the last five days hiding - cowering - in Don's apartment nursing vodka and crying, jumping when a bird would fly into the window.
I've been living in fear since this began. I've given him power over me. But not all of my power. I'm a survivor. Phelps knows he cannot win, so he's tried to rattle me by sending my brother flowers when he woke from his coma and photos to Don of me. He's tried to destroy me by destroying what keeps me strong.
But what he doesn't know - what he doesn't see - is that it's made us stronger. Yes, us. Me and Don. This has tested our relationship, ourselves, from the beginning. There was a two-week period where I honestly believed it was over for us. I saw no hope, and I waited in a painful limbo, waiting for the other shoe to drop. And, for quite some time, I've been waiting for that shoe.
But it was a little over a week ago that something amazing happened. Don's been growing so tired lately, and I asked him about it. I know quite a bit of it comes from being with me, and I figured it would be easier for him to let me go. I believe it was John Zabat-Zinn that said, "The little things? The little moments? They aren't little." I don't think he'll ever quite understand the impact of seemingly meaningless things, but they've changed everything. He said to me that it was okay that he was tired, because he wants to be with me so he'll work it out. It began to change in that moment. It was such a... perfect thing to say. Simple words. But they were what I needed, they were my reassurance that everything was going to be okay.
He's been using "us" lately. "Phelps is doing this to get to us." "We're in this together." It's a weird sentiment for me. I mean... I think partly it's because by saying us, Don's taking part of this onto himself. And I don't want that, because he's already so tired and he's done so much. I love him too much to put this on his shoulders. I'm learning to let him help carry my burden. Everytime he says "us" or "we" I give him this little look - like a confused child - and he'll sigh or give me this knowing look and I'll remember what he said about being in it together. I'm sure it frustrates him sometimes, but I am learning. Rely on yourself long enough and this type of thing takes a while to kick in. It's a matter of rewiring thought processes and behavior. Like rehabilitation, in a way.
I feel oddly at peace right now. I feel hope. I haven't felt hope in so long. It's such an amazingly warm feeling, that just settles deep within you. I feel like this is going to work out - at least for a while longer. I don't think of this as anything permanent, because I'm far too rational and I tend to live in the here-and-today, not the future. I can almost feel confident that my relationship with Don is secure. He's not going anywhere. He's the stability I've been desperately needing. This isn't killing our relationship. It's making us stronger.
Don is my boyfriend. He is my partner. He is my lover. He is my best friend. He is my strength.
Someone once told me, "Don't say I love you unless you mean it. But if you do, say it often, because people often forget." I never want him to forget.
I love you.
Detective Anna Morasca
Original Character
Law & Order
703 Words
(Flack mentioned is det_don_flack, and Danny mentioned is stillacrime.)