(no subject)
I'm not going to ask for forgiveness anymore, or say I'm sorry. I'm just going to ask if you can help me make it better. I realize a lot of my mistakes in perception and what my brain did because of what happened. I didn't listen to my real knowledge, which pretty much told me things would be okay, instead I overreacted to your actions and started believing that the surface was the reality and questioning my ability to correctly perceive... the fact of this person coming back meant nothing. You would have gotten over being mad at me. My perception was fine, the only problem was my immense fear and just being human... which I still am. You could have done something, I am sorry if my saying that annoys you, it's neither here nor there but it's true. Before this all happened. Doesn't change anything now, but still. If you can't forgive me, fine. I know how I've been, and you can keep on being whatever you wanna be. I'm not the only person to blame there. I learned a lesson. And yet, the initial cause of my self hatred still exists and haunts me... I vowed to myself that I would never and never wanted to give this person attention or let them in again, the main reason I'm where I am rests on that. I was human, I wanted to be protected and I felt I had earned that... and because that didn't happen, I felt like I as being punished for something, when I wasn't. That aside, this crap is still in my system... I would rather be dead than disabled or unable to function. I am afraid of it interfering with my thoughts and being in my system or corrupting my process, which it has done an awesome job of. I don't trust myself worth shit. I don't feel entitled to anything, but nor will I have anything but a major sense of relief if you respond, you're one of the few factors I am incredibly stressed out about. I have a long way to go before I can fix everything or even some minor things. And some have a lot to do with you... I really don't give a rat's ass about what you think about that. Despite whatever, I vastly prefer trusting you to the alternative and do... best decision I ever made. I should have stuck by it. But at that point, I really needed help. Energetically and spiritually. And my heart just closed when that didn't happen. Decipher hat however the fuck you want. It still bugs me that this could even happen. And it still bugs me that my system is so full of shit right now that I can't just feel. I enjoy some of my well earned biases, but I even have to work on naturally reacting to those and wiping conditioning/past 2 years. I just wanted you to help me instead of becoming one of my problems to fix. It takes a lot for me to contact you and even consider the possibility that you'll respond, I haven't let myself actually hope that in a while, or think it could be a possibilty. Thinking you hate me just makes me feel like I've regressed waaaay back to being a complete moron, so I don't. I'm just trying to fix it. Don't have the highest opinion of myself right now, so don't blame you for your's.
xoxo Cyn
xoxo Cyn